PM: I wanna come see you. Either right now or when we’re done with this, whatever works for you. I ain’t alright with not lookin’ you in the eye after that. I’ll give you the long version. We’ll talk. I know I don’t act like I wanna, but I do, and if I do talk… it’s gonna be with you. Hands down. I wanna hear about you too. I’ll be better when I say shit, I know I hold it in and then I snap. I ain’t perfect. I don’t wanna hurt you with what I say. The identity thing as goin’ on from the moment I got here. It was like Dom drop, but stardom drop. People don’t even know who I am here, for whatever reason. To go from touring the world as an infamous member of an infamous family that had an infamous family band that now has an infamous band with an equally infamous brother to people not lookin’ twice and askin’ who I was. I thought that was bad, but then that stopped and I had nothin’. Just takin’ care of the rest of us. I was tryna reach out to Reg back then, he said more shit to me before, maybe we just.. both think the same shit I’m thinkin’ about it all. I stopped checkin’ up like I was because it didn’t seem like he needed me anymore. Maybe that’s a me thing. We’re different people than we were when we literally spent every single waking hour together, and sometimes even fell asleep drunk in a dog pile on top of each other. It ain’t like that anymore, when he shacks up he shacks up with his boy. Which is good, I want that for him. But it just feels like it’s time for me to let him do his thing there, he ain’t even talkin’ about it yet and it’s been years. We all know what’s goin’ on and he still likes to pretend that he thinks we don’t know. I should push more, but like… I’m Vic Sterling, not Dr. Phil. Clearly I do a bang-up job at problem solvin’ and emotional convos. I didn’t and I don’t wanna fuck up what he’s got goin’ by stickin’ my nose in– the same nose that can’t keep his own love life settled, so it has no business actin’ like an expert. It’s like my days as a Bowers are over, my days as a rockstar are on pause because apparently ain’t none’a the shit I done matters here, and every time I let my walls down enough to be myself it goes badly. Real ironic that I’m stick in this in-between and not-quite territory, like back when I couldn’t figure out why I hated gendered shit. I can’t figure out why I don’t like where I’m at as me. Personally. I can’t figure out why I’m not perceived the way that I wanna be. And I keep gettin’ mad and explodin’. Maybe that’s why Emile is gone. We ended shit real slow. I ain’t said shit about it yet. To anyone. I just kinda moved on. But he’s gone. Didn’t really say much about it. There was a connection and a spark, there was somethin’ to hold onto. Then there just wasn’t. All he wanted to talk about on my birthday was Gigi. No gift. No happy birthday. Reg embarrassed the shit outta me by callin’ me out and told me to get my shit together, to grab my nuts and talk it out or whatever. So I did. I told him it was cool if he fell out, that he could go if he wanted and it would be alright. So one day, he did. I woke up and his shit was gone. I ain’t been up to much since, really. I don’t wanna be a mope about a boy, I sure ain’t gonna let him drag me into makin’ other people worry about me or doin’ anythin’ stupid. I dragged myself outta bed at the first sign of someone else in distress though, I guess that is my thing now. Couldn’t resist. Used to not bother me, but now I can’t stand watchin’ people– Subs especially– miss out or not get the help they need. I did the same for the next few times people were in need and it led to Roderick. He wanted to go to the pet fair but wasn’t gonna go alone. He’s shy, like I said. We even sat in the hallway before we went to the pet fair so he could get used to me a bit before he relied on me to help him through a crowd. It went well, he got a dog. We kept checkin’ in on each other, we hung out a few times. He’s sweet. Also a virgin and real easy to tease, which you know me so again… also kinda hard to resist. We messed around but like.. not messed around. Like I know it was a big deal for him. So it’s a big deal to me too. He would’a let me fuck him then and there, but I made him wait even. To make a bigger deal outta it than just a one night and boom, everythin’s gone situation. His first time is gonna take the whole weekend to finish, and even then I might decide to make him wait until Monday after class just so I can tease him all day. Off topic. Anyway. I do care about him. I do like him. I don’t wanna hurt him, and he’s a shy virgin so… chances are, I’m gonna. I don’t wanna, but rough and soft don’t go well together. …I don’t want to let myself end up lookin’ like a fool again. I had been startin’ to lean back into the bully persona before I met Emile, and he was so anxious it squashed that immediately. Aside from the unintentional shit, ‘cause I’m… me. I was gonna lean Sterling rockstar this time. Maybe a bit of bully too, when I had the energy to put in the effort. Rockstar vibes are a lotta energy too but it’s like a drug. I’ve just been havin’ trouble with shit outside of family affairs, and family affairs are… well, you know. Shit too. Sometimes I just wanna walk outta my room and strangle the first person I see. Sometimes I can’t give a single fuck. This place is a wacko show.
PM: Don’t matter, either way. Whatever works. You’ve got some shit goin’, so...It’s up to you. I know. It just makes it hard sometimes. You say you don’t wanna talk, you act like you don’t wanna, then when I give you the space I thought you wanted...I ain’t sayin’ this is your fault. I should’ve paid more attention. I just get lost in my own head sometimes. Forget who I am. Who everyone else is too. I’ve noticed the identity thing, you ain’t alone. People here don’t read shit, they act like they don’t know shit, and then when someone calls them out on it, they act all righteous and high and mighty like ain’t nobody have the right to tell them they’re talkin’ out of their asses. I wish I had a better piece of advice to give you there. I don’t have the cure for that one. Other than to say don’t put too much stock into it. This place has the worst of the worst and the best of the best, we all know who’s who and they just keep makin’ it real obvious. You know what it’s like out there. Outside of this place. People know who you are and people love you. So just focus on that. I know it’s hard. But don’t let the idiots in this place bring you down like that. Maybe it’s supposed to be some kinda universe lesson. Growth shit. That’s your own personal journey to take, and like I said I’m runnin’ into the same shit so...I don’t know that I can really be a guiding light here. Wish that was different, I wish I could be. But I can’t make people make sense and I can’t make people use their brains. Other than to tell you they ain’t shit.
As far as the Reg stuff...That ain’t my business, overall. But from an outsider’s perspective, maybe try more with him. I know you feel like it hasn’t been equal, but from what you’re describin’ that ain’t either of your faults. Life happens sometimes and this place does shit to the best of people. I know it seems like he’s been hidin’, you’re right he’s been real quiet, other than what happened the other night. But...Maybe you’re right. Maybe this place is doin’ the same shit to him that it is to you. And they’ve got his ass locked up in prison over there. Maybe he don’t wanna have you around because he feels some type of way about it. I don’t know for sure. I’m just guessin’. Maybe he’s tryin’ to come to terms with who he is just like you are. Tryin’ to figure this shit out. Think about how you feel, and you’ve got free reign of the place. He breathes wrong and they’ll keep him held up over there for that much longer. And you two were so fuckin’ close, but maybe he’s feelin’ some of that same shit. It’s clear he’s not totally cool with who he is, he thinks he’s gotta hide out with Ginger. And...I don’t know. I just think you should talk to him. Just don’t put your feelings onto him. I don’t say that to dismiss your feelings or anything. I just want to make sure. I just think maybe he’s hurting the same way you are. I love you man, but he went to war the other night standin’ up for what he believes in. I’ll be the first to say I don’t think he was wrong either. I ain’t tryin’ to bring up old shit. But what I’m sayin’ is...It looked to me like the only people who had his back were the people locked up over there with them. And again, I ain’t sayin’ you needed to go stickin’ your nose in it. But we both know that ain’t how shit has ever been between you two before. And...Being locked up like that does shit to you. Thinkin’ the only people who have your back are people like Malakai Abrams...It’ll do something to you. Just be understanding, that’s all I’m sayin’. Because I don’t think that one is exactly what it might look like it is.
I don’t think that’s why Emile is gone. You did everything for him. I’m not sayin’ it’s terrible or berating you, but I do stand by what I said. Heads were shoved in asses. I just mean, I think there was way too much lovey-dovey goin’ on for you to snap on him like that. I’m sorry he didn’t do what you needed. I’m sorry he ignored you, and your birthday. I’m sorry things didn’t end well or the way you wanted. I know that’s hard. Especially since you don’t open yourself up to shit like that. I just don’t want you to let it destroy any possibilities for the future. It’s dumb as shit, but just...Look at it like the universe is tellin’ you that he wasn’t the one. Maybe you needed him for some kind of experience, to learn to be soft, to know that there was another way. And maybe even though it didn’t go how you wanted, the universe is tellin’ you that it’s okay to learn to be that way, even when shit doesn’t go right. You’re a great guy, and you always have been no matter how much you try and hide it. I think you’re comin’ into your own more than you think you are.
As far as that new boy you’ve got in your suite...Hey, you do you man. Do what you wanna, and what you’ve gotta. I don’t want you hurt, or to feel like you have to be a certain way because of how shit has already gone. I don’t want you doin’ that to yourself. And I ain’t tryin’ to care more about him than you, but we both know the Meeks family. They’re good people, and they’ve always been on the right side of things. It’s no secret Ross is the tougher of the two. I just mean...Be careful. For both of your sakes. You’re talkin’ about takin’ this man’s virginity, that’s a big leap for someone. Especially someone we both know wouldn’t say boo to a ghost, and who is kind of afraid of his own shadow. You’re a good guy. Do what you feel. Just...Pay attention, yeah? Take it for a grain of salt, but I somehow doubt Roderick Meeks is ever gonna make you look like a fool. I could be wrong, I have been before. But something just tells me that ain’t gonna be what shit looks like at the end of the day. So you like him, so you wanna take time with him, so you wanna make it special. That’s all good shit. But for you, is that for this weekend? This month? Do you think that’s what he’s expectin’? Just...Make sure you’re both on the same page, alright?
I think you need to put energy into being you. Rockstar, bully, Dominant, fuckin’ pole dancer for all I care. But whatever you do, just be yourself. And make sure you’re happy with and can live with what you choose. Yeah, I know. I know they are. I know how you feel. It’s alright. It’ll be alright. I know it is, you’ll get no argument from me. But we’ll get through it. If it’s the last thing I do we’ll get through it.