S U F F E R T H E J O Y @theowes - Tumblr Blog

And in that very moment, everything was eternal although my thoughts were finite and my emotions chemical, she was as I imagined, so vulnerable and set like the seasons, she was everything that I could have ever hoped for.

Christopher Heinrich

#prose #poetry #free verse #creative writing #writing #love lost #quotes

Young mountains, endless oceans

It's been almost 6 months since I saw you last, and will probably be another year before I get to see you again. We both knew what we were getting into; we didn't care or even give it a second thought.

In the impending situation of such an event that would unfold before us, it's safe to say that we we’re completely unprepared, but if you want the truth, I wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way. Because you know as well as I do, it couldn't have been any other way.

I still keep the flight ticket stubs as a reminder; they live in the bottom of my drawer, a treasure chest made of cedar, made to accommodate my unmentionables and other things I like to keep in sentiment. I have a special place for yours. I don’t mean for this to sound creepy but I sometimes like to run my finger tips over the perforated edges. I do this to remind myself that you once held them so tightly in anticipation when you would hand them to the usher, and if that is the closest I can get to holding your hand; then fuck... I’ll take it.

I'm not going to lie, it can get bad at times, but sometimes I feel that I'm okay. I can bare it. Notions of things I can remember you by make it a little easier. (Sometimes)

It's weird to think about, but as I'm writing this I can't help but to remember that one night when you surprised me by coming a day earlier.

I remember having a really tough week at work; it almost seemed as if a black cloud would hang over my shoulder, peering over every once in a while to remind me I was in some sort of struggle, to remind me that sometimes it can be difficult to just exist. I wanted out and to get home as fast as I could that night, just to lay down and forget about it all.

Hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone.

But, there I was... finally through the front door, so unsuspecting. Lethargy sets in and walking up my staircase suddenly felt like a chore. Sixteen steps to the door. I can feel the cold brushed steel against my bare hands ready to turn the handle and walk into my bedroom, my sanctuary, expecting what I’m accustomed to every evening, being welcomed by the warmth of an empty space, so cold yet so inviting at the same time.

And there you were. I catch your luggage still unpacked in the corner of my eye, neatly stacked, resting onto yet ascending my dresser. And there you were, you caught my gaze immediately with such intent and rose to your knees on my bed and beckoned me to come a little closer.

You wore my favourite MNWKA T-shirt; “Death Adders for life” you said out loud whilst laughing. I winked at you and smiled, you pinched my face and smiled back, you told me I was a naughty boy.

I almost barely noticed that you had my favourite playlist on random. All I Need by Radiohead was playing softly in the background.

The timing was flawless, it was like if everything was moving in slow motion but with your heart racing uncontrollably at the very same time. You shook me then, and you still do now. I don’t think I remember ever clutching onto something, someone so tight, ever in my life. I remember it all so well. Your hair disheveled, free flowing from your crown in a cascade of ash brunette and bedroom tinge, the shadows of your features, chiaroscuro. I could barely suppress my elation.

I could still remember the wick of your perfume. Costume National 21. The dry down was ever so sickly sweet, licking at my memory like hunger for something which appetite had no end. It was so inoculating, I was yours.

It was getting late and the lights grew dim, but only ever so much that I would still be able to make out every line and nuance in your face.

You were so tired baby, trying your hardest to not fall asleep, even giving my hand a little squeeze once in a while to let me know you were trying your best to be brave. I told you that you had nothing to worry about and that I could be brave enough for the both of us. I nuzzled you and whispered “I got you”. You looked at me and smiled, you didn't say much, a mumble or two audible enough to make out the words “No.. I got you”. You knew as well as I did to never cheat ourselves of the moment.

You held me so close to you that night, so did I.

We both knew that time was never on our side.

Remember that one line from the song Transatlantisicm by Death Cab?

“I need you so much closer.” That times a fucking million I swear.

It's been 22 months, and almost 16 days since the last time I saw you. I know it will probably be a long time before I get to see you again. We both knew what we were getting into; we didn't care or even give it a second thought.

And I don't think we ever will.