The Pale Fever

[thepalefever]

I don't know how much longer I can do this...

I will endure, and continue but I will always want to stop.

I will always feel out of time and past my expiration date.

But how do I keep going, and not hate everything I stay here for?

[thepalefever]

You ask for love and hate at the same time

Why are you surprised when you receive both?

[thepalefever]

Your kin too

Buried

Back of the mind,

Back of the eyes,

Back of the throat,

Memories held like funerals

And funerals held all around

[thepalefever]

Fill my lungs with smoke,

Try to erase my mind for a moment.

Coughing up my latest injury,

Soul wound - heartbreak

Cloud my vision, but sharpen my sight

Teeth clenched behind pallard lips

[thepalefever]

Is it really happening again?

Did time twist too much and break space?

The space between before and what will be.

Is that why I can't sit still and be present?

Because for me it doesn't exist.

My head a spiraled mess of everything that has been and is yet to be.

Been watching it all on repeat all week.

My eyes too dry from the last 5 years to weep.

[thepalefever]

Am I starting to wake?

Slipping out of the spell cast over my mind 5 years ago.

[thepalefever]

[thepalefever]

What the fuck are you doing to yourself?

Why do you stay and bleed in silence?

Why do you wear this mask?

What has it gotten you?

Do better for yourself, you deserve everything good and delicious and strange and wonderful and rare.

You are so much more glorious than this perceived disaster that you are.

And fuck, if you are a disaster, do you not see how stunning you are, dark hair, red lips, fair skin, touched by dark angels.

So blinded by self hatred that you don't see how others wish for your form, how they long to be as tall, and striking and ethereal.

Quicker than a whip and more beautiful than the stars.

Dazzling, charming, with everything ahead of you.

Wipe your fucking tears, bite your lip, stand up, and fucking fight for yourself.

You have a long way to go, don't you at least want to enjoy yourself?

Prove those fuckers wrong, you're so much more glorious than all of this.

[thepalefever]

I am trying so hard to find myself

But I am afraid it will take too long

I don't know if the girl I was is even alive inside of me

But from time to time I hear a faint heart beat

[dappermouth]

You glimpsed a building through the trees, as day slipped into night — darkened windows glistening beneath the neon lights.

[thepalefever]

I wanted to be the hero so bad

Too bad

But I was always doomed to be the opposite

[thepalefever]

[thepalefever]

Emerging for a minute

Was wondering if you were finally gonna let him go?

Step away like you said

Are you gonna peel off that bandaid and give the wound some fresh air?

Or are you planning to let it fester forever?

I'm not hanging around after this,

Just wanted to ask if you still love him until your sick?

And wanted to tell you

You will survive

Regardless.

[dualvoidanima]

‘unlost’

[thepalefever]

I think I'll go now

Time for a graceful exit into oblivion

But no tears

And certainly no formal goodbyes.

[thepalefever]

I need

A deep

Massage

Bruised body

And

Bite marks

[thepalefever]

My thoughts have turned to mud

No concept to contemplate

No graves to exhume

No matches left in the matchbox

My world is muddled

I hear what I say

And I say what I mean

But I cannot connect with this place

Myself

The Fates hold my thread and give it length

But they took away the color

The reds

The purples

My tapestry is a flat woven mess

Brown like earth after a heavy rain

Barren without grass or flowers.