Of Nightmares and Delusions

[thepassed-blog]

Curled up under my blankets

I never pull my blankets over my head. Claustrophobic. I've gone a few days without taking any 5HTP, which helps regulate my mood and control my anxiety. Bout to have a panic attack. Posting here because I don't have an appointment with my therapist this week. This week is gonna be hard

[thepassed-blog]

Had to cancel my therapy session

And also ran out of the supplement I take for my anxiety... A great night is ahead...

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I hate myself

I truly do. I'm worthless.

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So, today, my therapist and I were talking and something was brought up that kind of upset me. Not like she made me mad, or anything like that; I just realized things about myself and my issues --- like low self-esteem and depression and stuff --- that just bummed me out. She asked what I was feeling and, quite honestly I couldn't tell her because I couldn't put it into words. So, she suggested I draw my feelings. I'm a little bit of an artist, though I don't do near as much as I'd like to, but I'll get to that in a moment. She gave me a piece of sketch paper and my choice of markers or oil pastels. I really like oil pastels, so I took those. I actually perked up when she said she had pastels, hoping they were oil and not those stupid chalk ones from elementary school.* So, I started with a pair of soulless eyes --- a personal favorite of mine --- then moved to the symbolic "X" mouth, and then the Orange "rage" lines, all softened and blended with a tissue. Rubbing the tissue over the Orange lines actually left me winded; Guess I was getting frustration out or something. Anyway, this is the result. The black "X" represents my inability to express myself the way I'd like to and my fear to say and do things I want to. The red bordering the "X" represents the pain of not being able to say and do things. The Orange represents my anger and frustration stemming from those things. After finishing it and talking about it to my therapist, I... I dunno what happened. I got angry. Not the loud screaming kind, and not toward my therapist, but at myself. This picture represents the part of me that keeps me from doing the things I want to do and from reaching my potential. I hate this part of me. My therapist wants me the accept this part of me. I won't. I'll acknowledge it, but I will also do my best to destroy it. This is what is keeping me from success and what is keeping me in this state of depression. I want it gone. My dark side, I'll embrace, obviously... But not this.

[thepassed-blog]

A short video I made, starring myself. It's part of a series of videos in which I just try to be as creepy as possible through editing on my iPhone 6.

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This is an example of what I do in my spare time. It is a self-shot short horror video of me being creepy. Please share if you so desire

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I had a night terror last night

I dream a lot, though I may not always remember the dreams.  Sometimes they’re good, sometimes... not so much.  And then there are the Night Terrors, or Night Tremors, or Old Hags, or Pavor Nocturnus...es?  Nocturni?*  Sorry.

Back on track, I get night terrors, from time to time.  These are instances, at least from my experience, where you are stuck in between sleep and wakefulness.  You’re awake enough to be aware of your surroundings, but not awake enough to move.  Also, you’re asleep enough to trip the fuck out.  Let me see if I can explain it better, though it isn't likely.  Imagine you’re asleep, and then you’re not.  You’re laying in bed, and you are aware that you are laying in bed.  Now imagine that you begin hearing things --- for me, it is usually a really unnerving feet-shuffling-on-carpet sound.  Sounds like someone is friggin coming for you, so you move.  Except you can’t because part of your brain is stuck in REM mode and prevents you from moving, sort of a survival tactic to keep you from getting out of bed and hurting yourself... or accidentally slapping your significant other in the face in a fit of dream rage.  

This is sleep paralysis, and it is scary as fuck. A tingling sensation takes over your body --- either slowly or quickly --- and prevents you from moving much.  I say ‘much’ because I can move my head sometimes, to scream for help.  Oh yeah, except I/you can’t do that, either.  I usually hear myself making really pathetic whispers when I'm trying to either wake myself up or wake my wife up.  

There is also the visual hallucinations, though I usually only get the auditory ones.  A lot of people report seeing really scary figures, the kind you would expect in such a situation.  Usually, however, when I “see something” It’s usually, like, just a dude.  One time I literally laid “awake”, paralyzed in bed, and I swear I saw a dude just walk into my master bathroom.  yeah.  terrifying.

Well, last night, I had a night terror.  YAY! HE FINALLY GOT TO THE POINT! Except it was more of a nightmare, but not?  It started out as a dream, like, a normal dream.  Then, I was suddenly walking to my bedroom from the guest bathroom, when I heard someone knocking at my door.  So, with a constantly increasing feeling dread --- or whatever --- I tried to hurry to the door to see who was there, except the closer I got to the door, the slower I moved; this happens to me in dreams, sometimes. And before I could get to the door, a dude just barges in and walks past me, toward the guest bathroom.  I guess he really had to go and couldn't wait until the Shell station?  Anyway, right at the end of that dream is when I started to feel the sleep paralysis start to set it.  That actually happens a lot, with dreams turning into night terrors.  I guess I started moving around right before the paralysis kicked in because my wife woke me up.

I woke up breathing real heavy and feeling freaked out.  While comforting me, my wife asked me if it was a night terror.  Yeah, she’s dealt with this before with me.  At first I said no because it was just like a normal dream, just in my house, but then I remembered the very end before I woke up and, yeah, I guess it was a night terror.

After checking to make sure the front door was locked, I went back to bed, and got back to sleep fairly quickly actually, all things considered.

I apologize for the long entry, but I’m just trying to take my therapist’s advice and get my feelings and stuff off my chest and express myself or whatever.  If anyone reads this, thank you for reading and I apologize for any grammatical errors.  If nobody reads this, then I still have my dignity.

*what is the proper plural for ‘Pavor Nocturnus’?

[thepassed-blog]

New blog! let us just see how long this one lasts

ok, so I’m finally taking my therapist’s advice and starting a blog or journal or whatever to try to document my feelings and vent my frustrations.  I suppose I can also use it as a platform to share my art, which is typically either of a very dark nature, or a very silly nature... like me.

I should probably find a theme I like