a journal.

i type down what's on my mind or how i feel. on again, off again. i have a love-hate relationship with writing. i mostly write for myself. it can get pretty real. that sometimes mean depressing. or grammatically incorrect. maybe both.

[thepatboi]

hny.

I wake up late and my mind is already racing. It's telling me that I didn't wake up as early as I should’ve, as early as I said I would. Sigh. Old habits die hard. 

I’ve been holding space for my thoughts and observing from an impersonal perspective. It’s interesting to find out that I take a lot of criticism all the time. My thoughts aren’t particularly brutal but pretty nitpicky, telling me how I don't apply myself better and basing this observation on it’s perception of what my full potential is. What’s more interesting is that this criticism is echoed in the way I also criticize other people in my thoughts. I have a hunch my thoughts are partly my mind’s way of pushing me to be the best person I could be (trying being the operative word) but mostly they’re telling me I’m not good enough. It’s amusing how the more I observe my thoughts dispassionately, the more I feel sorry for that part of my mind where they came from. At some point, I’ll have to come up with a name for this naggy (?) thing. So when I hear it speak to me, I’d look at it as coming from this other person who isn’t me. So when I hear it speak to me, I can be compassionate towards it. Say perhaps, hey (name) - I hear what you’re saying and I choose to listen to kinder thoughts instead. If you think I came up with this kooky/great idea, you’re wrong. I read How To Do The Work and I’m trying to apply some of the action items I’ve learned. 

Will it work? I hope so. I’m willing to try because in my 10 year plan, I want to see a more healed person, growing after life trauma. 

I hope 2022 will see us all grow in ways that will surprise us. 

Cheers,

Patrick 

[thepatboi]

first hike on the first day of the new year. 

Big Dalton Trail, Jan. 1, 2022.

[thepatboi]

my superpower/kryptonite

it’s not very hard for me to cut people out of my life. i’ve never really given it much thought but i can decide that a person is dead to me and i just slowly and effectively let him go, to only be thought of seldomly if ever. i sometimes thought my ability to make that decision can be alarming. quite frankly, it’s scary. to say to yourself, i don’t want to have a relationship with my sister anymore and just like that never think of her or imagine a life where she is part of it. 

i usually do this with people who hurt me, justified or otherwise. growing up, my defense mechanism to not get hurt involved suppressing my feelings and just not feel anything at all. i can talk about the times as a teenager i would cut myself because i would be in situations where i would think to myself, “right, this is a sad experience but why am i not? this is a time of feeling sadness or longing but why do i not?” and so to generate that sensation, i would cut myself with scissors or a knife and pour alcohol on my bleeding arm. but that is a story for another day.

i don’t think i ever planned to just think of cutting people out of my life. on a certain level, it was done consciously but the change happened on autopilot for the most part. i guess my mind realized how convenient it was to just pretend the person i despise, the person who hurt me is no more, never to hurt me again or be given any thought thereafter. it’s pretty convenient isn’t it? for the longest time, i thought of it as my superpower. and it was. i will always be grateful for the times it saved me from myself or from other people. 

but i am no longer in that situation; my experiences with people that i interact with are different. no one is shouting at me every day. there is no criticism or ridicule. there is no anxiety that at any point, my day will be at the mercy of someone else’s bad day. that i will be subjected to emotional, mental and sometimes physical torment. i am now healing slowly: understanding what boundaries are, realizing the environment i had growing up was not what other people experienced, learning to love myself, trying to forgive myself. in all this, i realize that my superpower has become my kryptonite. 

the kind of relationships i want to cultivate and grow in my life will not happen unless i stop finding faults in people so i can come up with a reason to cut them out of my life. isn’t that amazing? years of being away from a life that is toxic and problematic and my eyes open to this level of awareness. of who i was, who i am and who i want to become. 

in the past month, i stumbled upon this gem of a realization. the reason i cut people and play it off as my way of removing negative people from my life is because i didn’t have the tools or the agency to address it in a healthy manner. and this is a whole different ballgame because now i have to reassess which relationships really required my drastic action and which ones i can revisit and see if i can now act on it in a more positive, more understanding state of thinking. 

since this is a new way of thinking, i cannot fully explain quite yet how it has affected me or how it will affect how i will deal with negative experiences moving forward. but i will think about it some more and talk about it once i have a better grasp of this golden aha moment. 

i’m grateful to know that there is hope for healing and growth for me. that it’s not too late to put in the self work and be better. if anyone is reading this, i want you to know that our situations may be different but we can all take the time to do this important work of healing ourselves like our lives depend on it. 

because they do. our lives depend on it.

i love you,

patrick

[thepatboi]

and so it goes.

there was always shouting. every day, it was either the background music of your life or you’re the target of this angry outburst. i hated it. i can say it now. oh how i hated it. i would live my life with this constant dread that it will start at any time. i think, as a sensitive child, i had to learn early on to disengage from my emotions. i would start feeling afraid or sad or even angry at my situation and i would consciously numb myself. that was my main defense mechanism and it has served me well. i survived my childhood, didn’t i? 

i remember my father to be a very angry man. every night when he’s about to arrive home from work, i would ask myself whether it would be a good evening or a bad one for everyone. you see, when my father was in a bad mood, no one would enjoy themselves at the dinner table or afterwards. he would lash at us for the littlest things and we would have to bear it. i would remember looking at him and silently praying that god take him as i take another bite of food and listen to him tell me that i’m stupid and will never amount to anything. what kind of child would ask that? what kind of father would do that? i sometimes wonder what neighbors thought of all this, of us, if they heard what was going on inside our house. 

one of the reasons i hesitated to continue writing on here for so long is because i feel compelled to write about my life as a way to process my experiences but to do so would mean talking about a lot of negative and traumatic events and letting people in on those secrets. it seems dirty and airing dirty laundry is the exact opposite of saving face which is inherently practiced in my culture. 

another reason is that i’ve always been afraid to remember the bad parts of my childhood. i’ve made a big effort to bury everything from my past. and so i moved far away from home because to be physically far away meant to not keep on enduring the things that independence brings. 

one of the questions that my journal asks me to answer everyday is: what is that one action or step that you will take today to show a little bit of courage, of stepping outside your comfort zone and live in uncertainty? and i almost always answer: to write again. to post my thoughts on my blog again. well, here we are.

at times when i hear someone shout, i flinch inwardly. old habits die hard. sometimes i remember how loving i was when i was little. i would always smile and laugh and just be happy to give a hug. i grieve for that child. i grieve for that precious, sensitive child who only wants to love and be loved. if only i could hold him now, i would tell him: i am your future self and i love you. you are brave and strong and all these beautiful things inside. i’m asking that you please hold on to these precious things for me because i will need them, i will need to hear them again and believe that i am these beautiful things still. 

patrick

[thepatboi]

to exhale.

i’ve been thinking about this idea for a while now. it involves remembering parts of my childhood and writing them down. there are a lot of memories and emotions in my past that i haven’t really come to terms with or heal from and i was thinking how now would be a good time to process them, considering i’m an adult with more insight and better coping skills (we shall see if this assessment is correct). i think i’ve mostly never entertained memories from my past because i needed to forget. but i feel like i’m at this point in my life where i’m less resistant to the idea of introspection, to better understand why i think or act the way i do. i still don’t know how my writing style will look like but i think it will be a “little dark and depressing” (what my mom would tell me after i read a few lines from my diary to her). i will try to keep it honest, even if i can’t help but shade it with my feelings. i don’t know what i will feel, when i read what i’ll be writing down. will i feel exposed? will i be ashamed? i’m sure a part of me will wince and protest but i think i can take it. i just really want to exhale. have you ever felt that, wanted that? to be holding your breath for so long in front of everyone, to seem put together and to slowly suffocate. i just want to be able to look people in the eye and exhale. to be me, at my worst. to show my scars and not think i’m asking for pity. to remember and not flinch. to forgive and mean it. to understand and be at peace. to look at myself in the mirror and love myself still. do i know what i’m doing? do i know where this is headed? no. but fuck it, i’m giving it a go.

patrick

[thepatboi]

don’t forget, you’re going to die.

There’s an app on the Apple Store called WeCroak. Basically, it sends notifications at different times of the day to let you know that life will end at one point. Pretty morbid, perhaps. But doesn’t it also make you think how finite your days are, make you think about your mortality? I think of death sometimes, in a run-and-turn-on-the-switch kind of way. Hoping that with the lights on, my fear of the darkness would dissipate. I think of death as a blackness that doesn’t go away. No sound, no light, no feeling, nothing. Just a blackness that is so daunting in its finality. It’s a journey where you’re not allowed to go back. 

I sometimes wonder what I would feel if my loved ones died. Then I would shiver and shake my head at the horror of that possibility. Like with a lot of the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that I have, I push it away and act like I didn’t think about it in the first place. But at the back of my mind, I know I will have to sit in the struggle that is my fear of death. Of the concept of death. 

Sometimes, I’d like to think that my grandparents and everyone else who died are in another plane of existence. Heaven. That catholic concept of the afterlife is an inherent belief ingrained in me since I was young. At other times, I think that death is an off switch from everything, where you are gone forever. Lost in the thick, numbing black hole. I find myself flip flopping between these two ideas. One is a promise that you will see them again; the other is a certainty that you will feel no pain or sadness or happiness anymore. 

[thepatboi]

2017

2017 was a tough year for me. it threw things my way that i didn’t expect and if i’m being honest with myself, i didn’t know how to handle. i used to be so proud of what i thought i was - strong, patient, positive, mature, logical - only to be knocked down when i realized i’m not really all of these things. well, maybe not all the time, maybe not yet.

i spent most of the year struggling to stay afloat and that in itself was a tiring effort. most of the time i felt like i was in a fog of heavy sadness, this thick blanket that i can’t quite shrug off. i used to think people can just snap out of a funk if they really, really want to. not happening. i was lucky if i could stay awake long enough to have dinner because i usually fall asleep as soon as i get home, only to wake up at midnight wondering if i should eat or just go back to sleep. i didn’t want to talk to anyone and yet have this strong urge to go out and meet people. i would have phone calls with my mom where she would just listen to me cry. i would constantly come up with these game plans which never take off and i’d get more and more frustrated with myself. i would contradict myself, trying to tackle my problems one way and another the next. i would ask for advice and not listen to them. i would get into unhealthy relationships with people as a way to feel good but they all leave me wanting. the best thing i did was continue with my health goals - eat healthy and go to the gym. i can’t ignore the irony of my situation: i look my healthiest on the outside while feel the worst on the inside. i’ve long understood that i can’t outrun, outspin, outsquat, out benchpress, outhike, outdrink, outeat and outcry my negative emotions. last year made me more compassionate of people suffering from mental health issues.

for the better part of last year, i would wonder what i did wrong, where i failed and why i didn’t get to where i want to be. i took account of the stable job that i strived toward achieving for close to 10 years, of how i was in a long distance relationship with a partner that i lived with for 2 years back home that ended after a year of me being here, leaving me struggling to meet someone i can connect with and maybe grow together with, of how i left friends that i've known and have known me all my life and now i find it hard to meet new ones and grow roots with in the US, of how i brought all my savings with me so i can start a new life and how i now find myself living paycheck to paycheck and dissatisfied with my financial situation. i’m tempted to go down the road of regret but i dare not. i wanted this too much to reevaluate my decision to build a new life here.

my mom would remind me that home is always ready to welcome me back. she would tell me i don’t know how to explain it but despite my hardship, i still want to live here. it’s not the living here that is hard, its the struggle towards my goals here that is.

a close friend told me that i’ve stopped talking to everyone back home for far too long that no one knew if they can still reach out to me. no one knew whether i just needed a breather or if i closed myself off from everyone completely and indefinitely. and here i was, asking myself why everyone turned their backs on me. this is how messed up i was. i felt so alone and misunderstood.

no matter how long i’ve suffered, the year still ended. it’s not that this new year has erased every negative thing in my life. that is impossible. everything is the same but i’m feeling hopeful that this new year will be kinder to me. i wish for better days ahead.

[thepatboi]

love letter to no one # 13

if there’s this much people in the world, how come it’s so hard to find you? 

i deleted the dating apps again. i know, i know. i said that before; several times in fact. and each time i have, i had a person or two to talk to, complacent in the fact that i didn’t leave empty handed and forever promising myself that if these connections don’t work out, i’d take them as a sign to stop dating entirely. 

i’m not gonna lie, when i deleted these apps, i have been seeing someone. but i didn’t do it because i already met someone. to be more clear, i deleted the apps because in spite of seeing someone, i feel so far from finding you.

don’t get me wrong. he makes me laugh, he listens to my problems, he’s a big fan of cuddling and he even reassures me that my snoring doesn’t bother him at all. i just feel like he’s not you. 

i don’t even know what that means. i mean i do but i can’t quite explain it. i know deep inside he doesn’t love me and it’s time to let him go. even when you haven’t arrived yet. even when that means being on my own again.

you know, i did it before the year ended. thinking about it still makes me sad but it has to be done. he wasn’t ready to settle down and i didn’t want to waste my time wondering if he even wants to settle down with me. 

i’ll stop looking for you in everyone i meet. i’ll even stop wondering if you were the one who got away. don’t hurry on my account but don’t take too long either. just get here when you’re ready. when it’s time, come up and say hi. see you, you.

[thepatboi]

ricky and liezel

my friends ricky and liezel got married friday, the 22nd of september 2017. they’ve been together for 6 odd years and have finally decided to tie the knot. their love story started when they were still in singapore which continued long distance when ricky moved to the states until liezel followed suit two years ago and they have together again since.

prior the courthouse wedding, i understood that proper identification needs to be presented to be a witness who signs on the marriage certificate. i was touched when i found out they picked me out of every friend and family they have. it was a privilege to be invited to their wedding and i know i am their friend but i didn’t know they think of me intimately that way. even though it was their special day, this particular action made me feel special too.

ricky and i met when we became classmates at one of the local schools here. since we were the only filipinos in one of the classes, we bonded right away. when i stopped smoking and started jogging downtown to get fit, he would be on his bike riding alongside me at night to keep me company. we even signed up for the gym at the same time and would attend spin classes together. when liezel got here, he stopped going to the gym and transferred schools so they could be together. we didn’t stop communicating but we don’t meet as often as we used to. sometimes when i’m feeling particularly lonely on odd nights, i would ask them to take me on a date and we’d hang out over donuts and coffee, watch a movie, eat dinner or visit my happy place ikea.

i remember when ricky and i were still in school and we would talk about our lives and how it would play out. he said one day, he would be married and we would go to different places and go on adventures. i commented how i don’t want to be a third wheel and he told me how we would go on couple dates of course as i would also be with my partner on these adventures. we talked about where we would be in this time of our lives and what else our future holds for us. i still smile remembering them. good times.

ricky and liezel’s marriage has come to pass. the things he said he saw in his future are already happening for him. as a friend, i’m very happy for them both. ricky has a good heart and he deserves the good things coming his way. 

congratulations, lovebirds. to more good times together.

[thepatboi]

a letter for katrina

dear siobe,

i’ve written you a few letters over the years; letters that i may have read to you, posted online or threw away. most of those letters were sad, angry ones as you can possibly imagine. you held us all in your hands and you chose to break our hearts over and over again. you didn’t know how you changed our home but i feel like you’re starting to see them now. i know it makes you sad, wanting the love you had from papa back. i cannot promise you that it will be the same way it used to. maybe you’re starting to realize that people start guarding their hearts when they’ve been hurt too many times. i’m not sure what kind of relationship you want back with mom. growing up, i’ve always envied the endless devotion she had for you. you know that because i’ve always been vocal about my resentment. you were her everything and i was just there, a constant. i’ve since accepted the status quo. don’t worry. if anything, i can now say i’m willing to give everything for you to have that same relationship with her. i’m sorry, kat. we make mistakes and some of them are just too much for fragile hearts to handle.

for as long as i can remember, every wish i could ever get my hands on were all for you to change, to stop breaking our hearts. my birthdays, christmas, shooting stars, 11:11 even. i was that desperate. you know my relationship with religion and i even completed simbang gabi as a devotion to pray for you. after so many years, my heart has given up too. i stopped thinking of you. i don’t think you know how much that cost me. i hope you never will.

this past year, we’ve all seen how you did a complete 360. you are now the responsible adult while i left to go after unclear dreams and leaving you with the task of holding fort and learning to take care of papa and mom’s needs. i cannot say how proud i am of you now. i want you to know that i always thought you were the better child. i followed the rules and tried not to be a headache but you have the heart. you always have. that is why papa loved you very much, why mom showered you with love and attention. i don’t have the same depth of care as you have always shown to everyone. i don’t think i have it in me. you are our miracle come true after all these years of praying. after everything is said and done, you are the best person to stay by their side. 

now here we are - older and scarred, nursing hidden wounds and battling ghosts. today you turn 30 years old. man, that’s old. since i’m turning 35 next month, i’ll say getting older ain’t that bad. i pray you continue down this path. we cannot turn back the clock and so we must live with what is. i pray that you find peace and healing, that the ghosts after all these years will be put to rest. i pray that you will have the strength to deal with your emotional scars. you have been the strong one and i know you will find the strength in you to continue down this path.

welcome back, baby sister. happy birthday. i love you.

always,

ahia

[thepatboi]

pop

my dad messaged me out of the blue. we’ve only exchanged text messages twice since i got here four years ago and the randomness of it knocked me out of my state of drunkenness at two in the morning. i can’t explain my yearning to reach out and let him know how much i’m struggling right now. i wanted to let him know that i’m trying so hard but it seems that i’m endlessly swimming against the current, that i’m frustrated because i feel stuck and unable to pursue more of my dreams, that it’s much harder than i thought it would be.

i won’t lie, i wanted to tell him these things because i wanted him to help me, to fix this problem for me, to make it go away. but then i remind myself that this is the life i wanted for myself, that i’m an adult who needs to stick to the decision i’ve made no matter how hard it is. and so i tell him i miss him and everyone back home. that i’m struggling but i’m surviving. 

he tells me how proud he is of me, how he wants to still be there when i have my breakthrough and when i’m finally in a position to better myself and reach for bigger dreams. i tell him i love him and he tells me he loves me back. i don’t think i’ll ever stop having father issues but this moment helped me heal a little bit. i cried for the first time in a long time. i forgot how that felt.  it felt real good.

[thepatboi]

love fool

i think i’ve fallen without even trying. she tells me i’m crazy. i feel like i am. i catch myself whispering in the dark how much i love you. he tells me to forget you. doesn’t he think i try? you’re the first and last thing i think of. now i’m contradicting myself. so much for self restraint.

i see signs where there’s none. i’m high up there and i’m low like i’ve never been. damn this sucks. i like when i don’t see you because i forget. i hate it when i don’t see you because i feel the day is hollow. she tells me she won’t listen to me anymore because i only talk about you. she’s right.  

 i want to go far away where i can forget you. i don’t think i can. i’ve only thought of you fifty times today. that’s an improvement, let me tell you. let me go. no, i changed my mind. never, ever let me go. he tells me i’m crazy. i tell him i’m only crazy about you. he mentions nonchalantly how hopes i never fall out of love with you so i won’t ever fall in love with him. i don’t know how to feel about that.

[thepatboi]

i will try harder.

i’ve always thought of myself as a warrior, a survivor. i won’t say i’ve lead the hardest life but i’ve taken my share of punches. at almost every struggle, i’ve pulled through because i would use my pain, my anger, my hurt as fuel to drive me closer towards my goals and dreams. every time i fall i would give a mental fuck you to whatever or whoever caused it, bear it and stand up again. heart of a lion, heart of a champion. that’s what i always tell myself. 

i’ve also been known to be irritatingly, unrealistically positive in facing life’s challenges. pragmatic maybe, but still unwavering in my assumption that things will turn out fine in the end. i’d like to think this belief has allowed me to pull through the dark parts of my life. 

a wise person once told me that to really know that you are who you say you are, you have to find yourself in opposite ends of certain situations and come out the same. to explain, its easy to consider myself a warrior, a survivor, irritatingly and unrealistically positive and strong during the happy times, the easy times. but when tested with trials i can’t bear, can i still consider myself the same?

i’d like to think that right now it may seem to be like a wild roaring in my ear, a confusing swirl of decisions and non-decisions, blinding flashes of light, burning of bridges, building new ones, leaps of faith, conscious choices and actions done on autopilot - which in the end will piece together to form a story of overcoming odds, of triumph and joy and love and trust and faith.

friends from home keep telling me that i’m strong. to be honest, i don’t feel so strong right now. i haven’t in a while. i haven’t been the warrior that i thought myself to be. i’m struggling to keep myself upbeat and positive. i’ve long forgotten to remind myself to have the heart of a lion, of a champion. and i miss being that person.

i will try harder. 

[thepatboi]

random musings # 13

i'm at an age where most of my peers are in a relationship, engaged, married or already have kids of their own. i've realized that the great thing about heterosexual relationships is that you have a standard, a model to follow. it's easy to mimic what you see from your parents, your friends or even in mainstream media. you see how it is to go on dates or court someone or propose or get married or other such mundane everyday straight events.

for homosexual relationships on the other hand, there isn't an adequate selection of models to follow, whether in your close knit environment -- family, friends and the like, or even mainstream media unless it involves canned laughter in the background and gay guys making fun of themselves or relegated to being best friends with the girl who goes on dates and gets courted and blah blah blah. or that gay porn video which only makes you feel insecure after seeing the chiseled bodies on the actors. that only teaches you how to give a great.. performance.

i think it's sad how i do not know of any gay couple that embodies the heterosexual model in terms of starting or building a family, something permanent or lasting. i understand that to be successful in that regard, it would take hard work, much effort, perseverance and commitment. and I don't think that's a mindset we have embraced. it's like we're waiting for the next best thing and in the end, when we've spent the summers of our lives chasing right nows, we end up with nothing. and that is what scares me.

i want the whole shebang. i want dates and proposals and marriage and kids. 

[thepatboi]

hey danny boi pt. 1

i have made peace with what we lost. 

i never thought i’d be able to say that out loud without fooling myself. but here i go again, possibly hurting you with my honesty. i have accepted that we will never get back together and understanding that statement in its finality brings a calmness that i have not felt in a long time. there’s been too many a nights these past years that i not drink at all for fear of passing out in someone’s bathroom again. compartmentalization has been a friend but alcohol almost always made me unravel. that’s how messed up i was in trying to suppress and avoid any form of discussion with myself when it comes to us. now that i’m moving forward with my life, do you know how freeing it is to finally let go? 

i used to feel guilty that i left; left you. i thought to myself how if i loved you, why did i choose not to be with you? did you think this too? did you hate me for it?  have you forgiven me? do you remember how i always made you cry every time we got into an argument? have i ever expressed how grateful i am that you came into my life at the time that you did? i can only imagine the pain i put you through when i decided to go. our story is one where a person left and another got left behind. i find it ironic how when you decided to end our relationship, i felt that our roles switched. was this how your heartbreak felt like? i’m so sorry, dan.

[thepatboi]

a letter to charisse

dear isse,

i miss you. sometimes. please forgive me. we’ve grown apart and i’ve moved on with my life. for the longest time, you were my world. i hope you know that. i always thought that as long as i have you, my world will be alright. in a sea of friends, i always chose you, gravitated towards you. joined at the hip as they would say, when did i let you go? 

on nights like this, when i feel so alone, i think of you. how many nights did you feel lonely and thought of me too? who was there to hold your hand, listen to you, comfort you? did you call my name? i’m sorry. i moved halfway across the world and i don’t even remember if i said goodbye. did i?

in this new life of mine, i struggle to find another one like you. there is no one to talk to about my fears, doubts, hopes and dreams. was i ever this hard to love, to understand and accept? do you have someone who drops everything to be there for you when you were looking for me? i miss you. sometimes.

where are you now? what have you become? did you grow up, grow weary of the life you live, live the life you always wanted? please forgive me. i’m not as tough as i thought i was. i want to say i’m living the life i always wanted but i’m starting to grow weary of the life i live when i finally decided to grow up. 

did i leave you? did you leave me? time has been somewhat kind, blurring the lines. sometimes i miss you. sometimes i feel guilty. sometimes i don’t remember you. i’m sorry. we’ve grown apart and i’ve moved on with my life. 

[thepatboi]

happy new year

i wasn't awake to ring in the new year. i have been trying to fight off sleep since 10 pm last night and i lost, waking up at 5 am this morning. it looks like my body clock hasn't failed me, shutting off and turning back on just in time for my gym workout. if only the gym was open today. oh well.

well meaning friends have asked me to spend my holidays with them but i felt this holiday in particular was best spent alone. i’m experiencing a hiccup in my work papers and since i started dealing with it, i can't seem to shake off this heaviness (for lack of a better word). i try, i really do. sometimes when i’m with people i forget and i have fun but then something reminds me of my situation and i turn somber again. i feel like when i’m on my own, i don't have to impose my gloom on other people and i don't have to pretend that i’m happy when i’m not. 

i was told to have faith, pray and believe that it will turn out alright in the end. will it, though? i feel helpless and that’s one of the worst feelings in the world. coming from someone who wholeheartedly believes that my actions directly shape the outcome of my goal, this situation feels like my hands are tied and my future is left to someone else. it’s torture. 

do you know what it’s like to keep telling yourself that this will turn out alright in the end but then a part of you doesn’t believe it? that you’re just lying to yourself? i catch myself constantly needing to make myself believe this, that if i say it to myself enough then maybe i will really believe it. i don't know, man. maybe i’m just letting myself be swayed by my emotions again. i really hope i’m making too much of a big deal about it. that i’m just overthinking like i always do. 

i’m about to finish this bottle of wine and it’s 10 pm again. the gym is open tomorrow so i’m looking forward to that. 

happy new year, sweethearts. xoxo