Caution

This is where I update my life and personal thoughts where no one I know follows me because I won't let them

[jennaraymond]

Wow it's been a whike

I have not been on this blog in a really long time but I had time and I wanted to write so I thought why not on here. The last time I wrote on here it was the end of January in pretty sure and now it’s late May. A lot has happened in the past 5 months; there was a guy who almost ruined my relationship with the man I love, luckily he didn’t. My boyfriend and I have been making a lot of big deductions with what we want to do in our future. School ended a few weeks ago and I got a job, which is nice but I do miss my man since I can’t see him as often as I’m used to but I kind of like it because it means getting to see him is all that more special. Anyway, he and I have been talking a lot recently on what we want to do when we get out of school and I’m only an upcoming sophomore so I don’t have to worry but he’ll be leaving before I will, and we want to start planning what we’ll do when we no longer need to go to school. We have been talking a lot about getting an apartment and making it our own, preferably we can’t wait to get a house but we know that will have to wait until later, but we might start looking around for what type of places we are interested in so we know when it comes time to get a place of our own. We’ve been talking a lot about marriage and how we’d like to get married in 5 years time. He told me the other day that he’s saving up for a ring, because no matter how many time he asks me to marry him ‘it won’t be real until I can do it with the ring.’ But actually tomorrow we’re going so I can try on some dresses, and I know it sounds crazy and it kind of is, but I’ve been talking about it with him because the idea seems fun to me and he likes to make me happy and it’s something he wants to see, so he’s coming over tomorrow to take me to get ice cream I think and then try on dresses or go house hunting and I feel like such an adult with all my shit together and I just can’t wait until these dreams become realities.

[thepeaceofprivacy]

Long time no post

I didn’t realize how long it had been since I had written on this blog, I’m assuming that my last post was somewhere in mid January, now it’s mid to late March and I think it’s time for an update. My boyfriend and I are still doing really well, better than I could have ever dreamed. There are still days when I think I might be too much to deal with and that he might finally see that, but I’m always reassured when he just looks at me and smiles and tells me he loves me. We’ve done a lot in the past two or so months; I’ve met his mother, we’ve maybe sort of hit the topic of marriage, which isn’t new because we kind of know we’re the ones for each other and that we want to get married when we’re older. Anyway we’ve been looking at rings because he likes to see me get all smiley and shy when he brings it up because he knows I like it, I’ve tried on a couple and I tried on the one I really want and I love it so much. He’s made me a ring, it’s just a simple silver band that he made in one of his engineering classes but I still love it and wear it because it’s like a promise to us. Anyway, we’ve also started our spring break this past week and we went up to see my sister and nephew and it was our first time staying somewhere over night without any of our family member being in the same vicinity (minus my sister for part of it, but she had my nephew to watch so that doesn’t count) and it was special because we like being able to be on our own because it makes us think of the future and we just like the thought of us together growing up. There’s probably more with him but I can’t remember right now because it’s half past midnight. But he’s still good, my family is still good for the most part and my friends and I are better than ever, we had a little of a rough patch earlier in the year because I was becoming that girl that only hung out with her boyfriend and I didn’t want to be that girl because I love my friend so much and I would never want to lose them, so I fixed that real quick and it’s really nice because we’re closer than ever! Also an old friend of mine just messaged me on Instagram today saying she misses me and that we should hang out when she comes back to Connecticut and that she would like to visit me at college and it’s exciting because I do miss her too but I wonder if it will actually happen because she’s one of those people you’re never really sure about with following through with plans. We’ll see how it goes but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I know a few posts ago I was having trouble with school and if I would be able to come back and I can proudly say that I am doing extremely well this semester and I haven’t missed a class yet which is a really big accomplishment for me because I missed like a month last semester, but I like my classes and I’m done by 1:30 pm the latest so I can’t complain, also my boyfriend has been a huge help because he won’t hang out with me unless my homework is done, which sucks for me but it’s great motivation haha and I like it because my family was worried he would bring me down in school but it has shown them that he is a really good guy who only has my best interest in mind. I think this post is long enough and I’m tired so I’m going to bed because I can’t remember anything else that has happened because I have the memory of a gold fish 🐟

[jennaraymond]

So far so good

I used to be worried that my boyfriend and I wouldn’t make it and that people wouldn’t support us, I used to be afraid that we weren’t right for each other and that we might break up, I’ve been worried for the past couple of weeks that with school stress for the new semester that he wouldn’t want me anymore because I’m a lot of work and that I wouldn’t be worth it, I’ve had a lot of worries floating around inside my head for the past few weeks or so but it was only until recently that I realized I’ve literally thrown the worst of me at him; I’ve been terribly sick, incredibly stressed, on my period, crying, angry, depressed, scared, if I’m going to be honest a not really there pregnancy scare, etc. but he’s been so good with me through it all, it was our first week together when I fell sick and he took care of me through it the whole time making sure I was okay and if I needed anything, he would give me water and Advil, food if I could keep it down, he would run my back and smooth me to distract me from it, school stressed me the fuck out, it still does but if I have any concerns or problems he helped me through it and would go with me to make sure I knew what I needed and got it done, I’ve been on my period a few times now with him and he just thinks I’m the cutest thing when I’m on it, he doesn’t think I’m crazy or dramatic, he likes to hear about my stories about how one time I dropped a spoon and I started to cry, he thinks it’s amusing when I can eat a piece of cake in two bites because I was rally craving it, he doesn’t judge me, only helps me through it of I’m not being an asshole and actually admit to needing it, as for the scare, we had sex one night and the condom got stuck in me and we didn’t realize it and kept going, when we realized we didn’t know if anything has happened or how long it had been like that but we didn’t want to risk anything. I fell asleep quickly after that terrified that I could get pregnant, because as much as I love kids and want them, I don’t want them at 19, he woke me up the next morning with plan b, he had woken up early to go out and get it without waking me up, he just came back and have it to me with water, made sure I was okay and let me fall back asleep; he’s been amazing with me for the short while we’ve been together and it makes me ever wonder why I thought anything might not he good there, why our relationship wouldn’t last, when we’ve been doing a pretty good job so far.

[thepeaceofprivacy]

Too afraid to speak the words aloud

My spring semester of college starts in a few weeks and I still have holds in my account when I should have had my classes picked out nearly a month and a half ago, I have no clear idea of what my holds are on and I don't really know how to fix them because I have no idea what I'm doing and nobody is helping me, I'm afraid that it's already too late and I won't be able to attend this semester and if that's not terrifying enough I'm afraid that if I do I will lose all my friends and possibly my boyfriend because they're all up at school while I'm stuck at home because I'm not smart enough to have figured this shut out when I needed to and they'll all just forget about me and I'm so scared that I will lose them because that's the last thing I want.

[thepeaceofprivacy]

I don't even know anymore

I held Rachel in my arms tonight and I really loved it. We weren't doing anything but she just came up to me and sat basically on top of me trying to get comfortable so I put my arm around her and that's how we stayed for a while and it just felt right to hold her like that, I wanted to rub my hand down her arm or her side but I knew that would be pushing it and I just wanted to let it happen and enjoy it while it lasted. She was just so cute, she was literally snuggling into my side and it felt as though we did it all the time and that was what was normal for us and everyone around us acted as if it was too and that it just seemed right and god I don't know, I've liked her before but her and Joann are confusing and I don't know if I want to or should get involved with that because they seem like they're something and I'm trying to not get hurt but it's hard when I love doing little things like this Update: Joann and her don't like each other like that and Joann is happy with her girlfriend Carly but Rachel is still confusing me because she gives me these little looks and says songs remind her of me and I'm dating a guy now and I just don't want to hurt anyone

[jennaraymond]

I'll be there for you

The guy I’m dating was under a lot of stress today because he has a lot of work to get done in the next few days and he was getting really frustrated because he was overwhelmed and don’t know where to start or what he should do. I was with him almost the whole day so I got to see him under stress and how it affects him. He couldn’t eat, he couldn’t focus, he wasn’t as happy as usual, he was just not himself. We parted a bit later in the day because I had a program to go to, we met back up about an hour or so later to draw. I assumed he wasn’t going to draw tonight because he was too stressed but he said he needed to, we draw everyday and he needed that little bit of free distraction. But when I got there and for the whole time we were there he wasn’t even more off, more unfocused, more unhappy, he was trying to act if nothing was wrong, but believe me, I know when someone is faking happiness or trying to act like themselves when they don’t know who they are in the moment, I’ve perfected those moves, so I didn’t want to give up on it and let it slide as if I didn’t care and eventually he was just like it’s one of those days I guess and I just knew what he was talking about so clearly that I knew what needed, he didn’t need me asking him what was wrong or trying to take care of him like a baby, he needed someone he could just cuddle into in silence, just hold their hand have someone there for him and know that if he needed or wanted it they would help. This was kind of the moment I think I needed, everything so far has been smooth for the most part and I needed to see him in a state that wasn’t happy or content so I could see that he was human and that he wasn’t perfect. I think I like him more because of it, because he’ll let me be there for him, because he wants ME to be there. I’m hoping though that he is okay after these next few days have passed because I have worried about some of the things he’s said today but I know he’ll be able to breathe a little easier by the end of the week and hope fully everything will be smooth again. But of not that’s okay too and I’ll be there for him willingly no matter what.

[jennaraymond]

Oh well

So I have this friend from back home and while I’m home we decided we would hang out, she canceled on me the first time and then when we hung out the second time it was for about 45 minutes maybe and then she left to go hang out with one of her guy friend and told me she’d be back in a few hours, then she texted me saying she’d be back at 11:30 and even though I wanted to hang out with her I didn’t want to be pushed back onto the back burner and I just told her we could hang out earlier the next day and now the only reason I said that is because she was wearing my shirt when she left and I want it back before I go back to college.

[jennaraymond]

So excited!!

I’m so excited for this Saturday! I have my very first date with a guy I really like and I’m really excited ☺️ he’s taking me out to dinner and a movie and he wants to meet my family when he picks me up and I’m nervous to show him around and everything and see what he thinks but I’m really excited because I know he really cares about me and it doesn’t matter if I don’t have a lot of money or if I’m not as thin or pretty as other girls he likes me for me and is excited to get to know me more and see what’s important to me and I’m just really happy and excited!

[jennaraymond]

You see but I see more

I think the saddest thing I’ll ever see is two people you know care about each other on another level and love each other so passionately but knowing that they shouldn’t be together because it might be the best and worst thing they could do with one another. Seeing that as an outside party is heartbreaking, you can see it in the ways they look at each other as if no one was there around them and how they don’t need words to know what the other wants to say, they’re completely engulfed in each other.

[jennaraymond]

Don't know what I'm doing

There’s this guy that I’ve been talking to for about a week and he’s really nice and the sex is great but we’ve been moving really really fast and even though I’m a relationship kind of girl it’s been a lot to handle. We’ve been together everyday for the past week and he says things like ‘I don’t know what my life was like without you and I don’t want to find out’ and 'you’re the best thing to ever happen to me’ and I think it’s sweet but it’s only been a week and I think I still like this girl but I like hanging out with him and his friends and I just don’t know, I feel like he might ask me to be his girlfriend soon or tell me he loves me and I’m just trying to think things through because I’m trying to figure out if this is what I want.

[mildlyunusuall]

ayyyyyyy

[jennaraymond]

I'm fine

I’m starting to get in that mood again where I don’t want to be around anyone and I just want to cry forever, where I don’t get enough sleep but everyone tells me I sleep too much, it’s going to be a broken record of ‘I’m fine’ even when they can clearly see I’m not. I’m starting to get in that mood of not wanting to explain what I’m feeling because I know if I open my mouth I’ll shake my head and start to cry. I’m getting into that mood that 17 year old me knows all too well and where she did things she promised herself she wouldn’t do again, I’m getting into that mood for no reason and I don’t know how to stop it, and I’m scared.

[jennaraymond]

I'm a slut for affection

I’ve got a girl I like but I know it’s going to go nowhere and so instead of telling her or trying to get over her I fuck around with numerous guys in hopes to find the affection she gives me in them and it never works, I always feel disappointed or disgusted with myself eventually because I don’t want to be such a slut I just want to make her happy even if we’re not in a relationship, I don’t want to feel like a whore when we talk about who were talking to and she’s doesn’t know which one to guess because there’s too many to keep up with, I just want to be the innocent virgin I was when I came to college but I’ve fucked it all up for myself and I’m trying to fix it but I don’t know how to because I love the sweet affection of what a relationship would feel like but I’ve never been in one so I take the affection the guys do give me and turn it into something more and end up hurting only myself because of my own stupidity

[jennaraymond]

An epiphany

I’ve been fucking around with a guy the past few days and I started to really like him until I realized that he’s a huge player and his own friend confirmed it. I’ve been hanging out with my friends a lot lately and it’s been really nice, we talk more than before and we joke around and it’s really refreshing. I’ve realized I need to focus on my relationships with my friends than the relationships of a boy who probably doesn’t feel anything for me. I’m glad I’ve realized this before it was too late and now I can first about fuck boys and focus on me individually and my friends.

[jennaraymond]

A weird night

There’s this guy that I really hate, or at least I thought I hated, we met a few weeks ago and every time we would talk my ending thought would be ‘he’s an asshole’, this one day he asked if he could buy me coffee to apologize so I said sure, he asks if I want to hang out with one of our common friends who lives on my floor, I said okay, we get to my floor and he starts heading down towards my room, so I ask him where are you going, he says 'your room’ and I had told him previously we couldn’t so when I tell this to him again he just looks at me and says 'okay then I’m leaving’ and then he leaves, so you could imagine why I thought he was an asshole. I told him that too when I saw him next, I said ’ I can’t decide if I really hate you or like you’ and he went ’ I can’t decide if I hate you or if I really like you and am attracted to you’. Anyway last night we got to talking again and he wanted to talk and what not so we got into his car and he drove us to a place that has a really nice view. We talk and we get out or the car to appreciate it but at the same time he’s appreciating another 'view’, that being my legs and ass. He started to get really touchy but I already knew he was that type because he had done it previously, I didn’t mind though, he would squeeze my ass or slap it or run his hand down my legs, this went on for a while but it was fun and then he turned me around and kissed me and by this point I knew that we didn’t hate each other as much as we thought. Anyway he kissed me a lot and he really likes to have his hands on my ass I learned because that’s where they were a lot that night. He stopped kissing me though and was like, let’s go sit down, and leaves to sit in his car and I’m like are you fucking kidding me you’re such a tease, I didn’t say that out loud though, but I got back in the car and he likes to put his hand on my thighs and grip them and feel them because apparently he really likes them. We got to talking again and he started feeling me up and I started feeling him up and long story short, I gave him head and it was really good and then we talked some more, he felt me up a little more but it was getting late so he drive me back to my dorm but with a promise of doing it again Thursday hahaha

[jennaraymond]

A story scarier than the holiday

It’s Halloween and I’ve had a long night, it started off really well until my fwb asked if he could call me and at the time it wasn’t a great time because I was busy so I asked if there was a problem and he responded with that he had a girlfriend, the night lead to a phone cal full of tears and confusion because he actually really liked me but we never made our feelings noticeable so communication want that great but now he has a girlfriend he says he doesn’t love and he hopes we can still be friends and I just don’t know what to do because obviously I want to talk to him but my brain knows better and took over my heart and told him that it wouldn’t be smart and maybe next semester we can give being friends a try but right now it isn’t a good idea and I just want to scream into a pillow and cry some more but I need to be strong for myself because I know I deserve the best and I don’t want to let myself get hurt just for a short bit of happiness and then more heart break

[jennaraymond]

I’m kind of drunk again hehe but I spent the night with her again and I don’t regret it because she held my hand and sang to me and made sure I was okay and I love her and ibwantvher to be safe because she’s going through tough times and I don’t want her to put herself in danger because I care about her, and don’t want anything bad to happen to her, I thought I would update because I don’t even know what’s happening anymore