john mulaney starters. ( from various interviews & clips )
❛ it was the best time. it was an innocent time. ❜
❛ are we doing it correctly ? ❜
❛ who am i talking about ? you ? ❜
❛ my neighbour was arrested by the fbi for being a cannibal. ❜
❛ the fbi was swarming our lobby and arrested this guy at a six am raid. ❜
❛ no, he never said to me in the elevator ‘ guess what : i might be a cannibal. ’ ❜
❛ he was quiet but he was so hungry. ❜
❛ we’ve all been there. ❜
❛ i really want that to be a lie. ❜
❛ florida is the costco of upsetting people. ❜
❛ it was like comic con but alcoholic. ❜
❛ so, i put it in the refrigerator. i took the hat and i put it in the fridge. ❜
❛ that is an interesting way to look at it. ❜
❛ this guy touched my car and i’m gonna nail him. ❜
❛ the mud on the carpet ? oh, that’s mine ? alright. ❜
❛ we’re a little different as people. ❜
❛ there’s always like five of his friends that he calls ‘ the homies ’ sleeping on the floor. ❜
❛ these are like XXXL shirt and jacket with spongebob squarepants pajama bottoms. ❜
❛ i must be the best person you know. ❜
❛ you’re amongst weird company. ❜
❛ at best, prom is like a wedding. ❜
❛ i’ve never met anyone who had a good prom. ❜
❛ i’ve been nervous for 35 years. ❜
❛ they have a room for giraffes. ❜
❛ no ! camels, not giraffes ! ❜
❛ i’m just gonna sit here and eat popcorn. ❜
❛ this is your day to stroke each other off ! ❜
❛ warren, warren, warren. that’s a weird name. ❜
❛ we got high in my room. ❜
❛ i would much rather eat potato chips on the sidewalk. ❜
❛ i get scared at outdoor concerts. ❜
❛ i eat the mushrooms. i eat them all and i start hallucinating, as one does. ❜
❛ i watched a woman eat a hot dog over a garbage can and i stared at her like she was the mona lisa. ❜
❛ why don’t you have a seat ? everything’s gonna be fine. ❜
❛ i discard people when i don’t need them. ❜
❛ much like tantric sex, it’s the same mess at the end. ❜
❛ give me a vial of your urin and i’ll do it. ❜
❛ oh, look. we actually did it. ❜
❛ the penis is triangle shaped. ❜
❛ do not do that. because you could get hurt or worse. ❜
❛ it’s called ‘ violins against violence. ’ ❜
❛ but didn’t you listen to our whole philosophy thing ? ❜
❛ i know but it’s bullshit. ❜
❛ oh, no. that was so long ago. who knows what happened in that dark tunnel. ❜
❛ nope, there is no right way to say this. ❜
❛ if you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father you are an insane person. ❜
❛ listen to me. we’re going to win. this is going to be fantastic. ❜
❛ i’m not mad at you about the marker. i’m not mad about the marker. ❜
❛ if i’m mad at anyone, it’s the dog. ❜
❛ oh, that spider is so turned on. ❜