R e i g n

~ this account is very personal and random ~

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Sobra akong nati-trigger ngayon. Ang it's my future husband who pulled it. Hindi nya alam how I incorporate Ian to death. That everytime I hear his name, I think of suicide.

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As a woman who truly values essence and importance of having a job, sobrang nakaka frustrate kapag walang trabaho. It drives me crazy and anxious kapag hindi ako nakakapag-provide. Nalulungkot ako at nawawala agad sa mood. Konting bagay lang nagiging trigger na sa akin. I hope one day, I will achieve my greatest potential. Ayoko na maging enough lang, i want excess. I want greatness. I want more than enough.

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I thought of suicide tonight. Rage came out and gave me the courage to do so. I loved the idea. But I want my body to never be seen. I want to rot somewhere nobody would know.

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Mike,

Maraming salamat sa pagiging mabuting katuwang sa buhay. Pero gusto ko ding humingi ng tawad sa mga kapalpakan ko bilang kabiyak mo. Araw araw, sinosorpresa mo ako ng pagmamahal na hindi nababawasan sa kabila ng aking mga kakulangan. Palagi kong iniisip na paano na ako kung wala ka. Paano ka?, kung hindi kita maaalagaan?, at paano tayo kung sa dulo hindi tayo ang magkakatuluyan?.

Mabigat ang aking mga mata, sa pagpigil sa mga luha, sa pagkukunwaring kontrol ko ang buhay nating dalawa. Salamat sa pagpili mo sa akin kahit hindi ako perpektong girlfriend. Salamat sa pagmamahal, sa palaging paggawa ng paraan, sa pag-aalaga kahit pagod ka na, at sa pananatili kahit madalas nakakaubos ako ng pasensya.

Hindi ako madaling mahalin, matigas ang puso ko sa maraming bagay, at minsan mahirap pa akong pasayahin. Pero palagi kang nandyan para sa akin, kahit nahihirapan ka na andito ka pa din. Andito pa din tayo. At dahil sa patuloy mong pagkapit, ang layo na ng ating narating.

Love, mahal na mahal kita. Sana ibigay sa akin ng Diyos ang mga araw na susunod pa, para patuloy na magmahal sayo.

[thepurplefacade]

August 20.

Putangina.

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My biggest problem with Mike is he never trusts and never believes in me. I don't even know if he truly listens to me or he just tries to hear me out. It takes another person for him para maniwala sya sakin. Kung pwede lang magkabit ng CCTV sa katawan ko, ginawa ko na para makita nya mga ginagawa ko. Hayst.

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October 17, 2024 - Became girlfriend/boyfriend

July 21, 2025 - Engagement proposal

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A little bit frustrated today, but I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to talk with. I don't think even Mike could understand me.

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Shitty feelings. Sobrang masarap ngayon ang malutong na mura. Hindi ko alam kung galit ba ako sa mundo o baka kinakagalitan ko lang ang sarili ko. Tangina. Hindi ko 'to gusto, hindi ko gusto kung nasaan ako ngayon. Ang hirap pilitin ang sarili maging mabuting tao when you know exactly that you are not naturally a good person. Shit, bakit naman Lord? I know this ain't a trial. Gusto ko ngayon manakit ng damdamin ng ibang tao, gusto ko din iparamdam sa kanila 'to. And this is what I always do before, ni hindi nga ako nakakaramdam ng empathy sa kanila kung masaktan man sila eh.

Written by my other persona. Now, I feel dizzy reading this letter because I know this is not me. She might have come out earlier, and I didn't notice. I recognize her---furious, always agitated, and harmful. I'm afraid of her.

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Tonight I just cried...

Michael and I are very different. Whilst I am very carefree and outgoing, he is my opposite. He is reserved and introverted. I feel like he is pulling me to his own world and I sense that I'm drifting. I want to be with my friends, I want to go and hang out with my people, I want to explore (sometimes without the leash he has on my neck), I want to fly, I want to roam and jump on my own. But how could I make him understand?

I want to go home...

I gave him my all. My attention, all the damn assurance, my time regardless how busy I am or who I'm with or whatever I do. But those are still insufficient to make him at ease. I decided to not speak tonight, but I want to tell him how selfish I feel he is for cutting off my wings. I feel so alone and lonely, and I hate who I am right now. I refuse to recognize the woman he built in me.

I miss me.

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Today, the Lord reminded me through the people around me that the relationship I have with Michael is something worthy of being treasured. Of all the men, He showed me His grace by giving me this guy. I feel like He particularly picked this person so both of us could grow together and serve Him well. Through this little reminder, I feel the presence of the Lord in my life. His guidance and grace is divine and powerful. I will forever be thankful for the opportunity He has given me to be with someone worthy of all my prayers.

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8:08 PM

I just finished watching Ryan Bang's vlog when he proposed to Paola. Thirty-three minutes have passed and the smile i have on my face marked so hard that even my heart recognized the happiness and the love they have for each other.

How good it is, that a simple vlog could ignite and rekindle a sleeping writer in me? The very last poem I made out of all the heartbreaking lines, were born through pain. But isn't it mesmerizing to begin writing again out of love and not heartbreak?

During the outro of Paola, Ryan knelt behind her. Took a ring then a big deep breath after... along those scenes my heart is hoping that she would say 'Yes'.

She turned her back after her line, and she did say the word.

I bawled when Ryan said, "I wanna see my children look like you." , and i continued crying when my head played the scene on its own. I was hopeful that one day someone would also ask me the same question that Ryan and all the men in the world ask their girlfriends.

The vlog ends.

My head still plays the scene where no one would dare to ask me, "Will you..."...

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January 4, 2025

Barabbas was freed...

We are all Barabbas

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Dear Mike,

It's been a really long time since the last time I wrote here. Have I ever mentioned to you how big of a fan I am when it comes to writing? Guess I haven't. But if ever a time comes and you stumble on this letter addressed to you, I hope you don't feel bad about any of the previous posts here in my account.

You see, all I thought before was that I already had what I needed. All I knew was that I found the right love or the right person... But i was wrong. So if you would ever come on this account and decide to read any of my previous notes, just feel free to read and then let go.

Moving on, I'm certain that you won't be reading another break-up story. I'm sure you won't break my heart, would you?

Yours,

Waku

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Hindi na kita iiyakan ulit Vidal.

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It's good to know...

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Gusto ko ding dumating sa akin ang pagmamahal na mananatili.

Mananatiling akin kahit ilang bagyo ang humamon sa amin. Gusto ko ng pag-ibig na hindi ako pakakawalan lalo kung nakakaramdam kami ng kalungkutan. Gusto ko ng pag-ibig na hindi ko na muli pang iiyakan at magmamakaawang huwag akong iwan.

Sana mapasa-akin din, ang pag-ibig na kahit hindi ko turuan ay mamahalin ako ng wagas, payapa, at palaging may sambit ng respeto at pagpapakumbaba. Gusto ko ng pag-ibig na akin lang, at mananatiling akin hanggang wakas.