a band of fools

possible DID system. trying to figure everything out.

[thepyritesociety]

We've been experiencing some rapid switching recently, which is making it hard for me to deny what is happening. I feel like I'm constantly dissociating and it feels fucking awful. Rn it feels like theres two of us fronting and it is physically hurting my head. Dysphoria levels have been all over the place. Lila (I think thats her name but I could be wrong) dressed us up in makeup and cute clothes the other day only for Keenan to come to and feel gross as hell. I think its Keenan thats near the front, Idk tho. I feel like I'm losing time a lot, which makes sense, we're in the middle of a mental health crisis. Did you know if you call the suicide hotline they might request a follow up phone call? I didn't know that and my socially awkward ass was like "Uhhhhh sure???" And so I had to have an uncomfortable morning phone call with them today, that was delightful. I am barely hanging on to the body rn this fucking sucks. Don't dissociate kids, it feels awful.

[thepyritesociety]

Hi

We honestly convinced ourselves for a while that this wasn't happening and that we were just having a silly moment at the time. But the past few days we've been experiencing some weird rapid switching and some kinda mixed fronting moments that has not been pleasant. I was honestly having to fight to stay in the body on my way home today, and I know I wasn't the one fronting when I left the house today cause I was all sorts of disoriented when I came home. Whoever the female alter is did her makeup this morning and was fronting most of the day and I was very confused when her makeup bag was on the bed (it is a VERY large bag). I switched in maybe an hour (?) before we got driven home. Thank god our friend was driving, I was highly dissociated and FIGHTING to stay in the body. I'm still a little out of it but not too bad.

Idk why I'm the only one of us that seems to 1) notice switching and 2) acknowledge it???? Like Kris definitely doesn't notice and pretends it isn't happening, and whoever had the body this morning (I know there is a female alter but I'm not sure she is aware that she is not, infact, Kris) also did not notice, probably cause she woke up with it.

If I had to guess, I probably got the body just due to how today went. We as a system are sober (ie never did anything in the first place due to Trauma) and we were hanging with a friend who does pot (which is fine, she smokes responsibly) and we also had to go to a dispensary to pick up some gummies for a family member (non addict family member who uses it for actual medicinal purposes) I remember getting the body somewhere around there, and given I dealt with a lot of the drug related trauma back in the day thats probably what dragged me out. None of it was toxic or anything, but I do grasp why for whoever was out it was triggering, I was struggling with it too. Its weird having the body rn, usually when I'm toward the front its with Kris still present and they are n o t present.

We still have the boyfriend. One of the alters has discovered they are a lesbian however (couldn't tell you who, just that it wasn't me). Luckily I think whoever it was must've had some subconscious awareness that the rest of us like men (at least romantically) so we did not breakup thank GOD. If the others could just become self aware so we could all figure out our personal shit instead of flip flopping between "oh I'm bi" "oh i'm a lesbian" "oh i'm ace" "oh i'm a man" that would be great.

Oh, also, incase another alter becomes self aware and comes to this blog: Idk which one of you insane bitches is trying to convince us to go back to church but P L E A S E stop it. I already have enough dysphoria when I'm in the body, if I come to in a pew with a dress on in the middle of mass I will cause problems. Also I'm pretty sure whichever one of you wants to go back to church is also the one who just discovered your a lesbian, so they won't let you in the door anyway.

- Keenan

[thepyritesociety]

I'VE BEEN SPOTTED FUCK

So we, or at least 3 of us, have a boyfriend right? Great guy, hot as fuck, takes good care of us.

Idk when he figured out we're a system but he did. No matter what we do he refers to us seperately. He doesn't know our names yet but he understands we are seperate people. Kris (the host) got into a fight with him about it yesterday because denial and all. He said "listen I get you wanna be in denial and all but I know you, I know who you are, and there are at least 3 of you".

Ironically, what gave us away is our gender. As a whole we identify as genderfluid because it makes sense. I'm a guy, one of the other alters is a woman, and Kris is nonbinary. So he'd ask for our pronouns for the day and noticed that he/him days were very different than she/her days. And both were different than they/them days. He wasn't sure what was going on with the little, so he didn't think they were one of us.

But more importantly, he mentioned he's like this too. He's wayy more covert than we are tho. Granted he's the first one to spot us Ever and we've been in therapy for fuck 10 years. It might be because he's also apparently a system but he spotted us. Granted he was pretty vague about it so I might be misinterpretting it.

He says when we're ready we can talk to him. I'm sorta just waiting on Kris to be ready. They are in no way ready lol, they'd rather pretend these altered states are just them faking for attention even tho they tell no one ever. I'm ready, and if I'm fronting next time we see him I'll ask him the questions I need to ask. For now tho I just gotta wait.

[thepyritesociety]

Is this what being co-conscious feels like. Its like there is a child just screaming in my ear. Either way feeling fuzzy as hell so if theres a toddler on this blog in like 10 minutes its not my fault

[thepyritesociety]

Was anyone gonna tell me we self-harmed recently or?? Seriously man??

[thepyritesociety]

Ok so: for now we're gonna go with the assumption that we are a system. The way that we think and the way that we act is always pretty different, and so are our interests. I'm gonna discuss this (maybe idk might chicken out) with my therapist during our next appointment. If I'm still fronting. Shit thats scary. For now I only know about myself and the host, so I guess I'm leaving this blog for them. Awkward.

For now, assuming I'm not having some weird psychosis: I'm Keenan. Idk how old I am. I know the body is 23. I was host during middle school and most of high school. I tapped out after a psych hospital visit that I truthfully can't remember for shit. Since then I'm assuming the new host took over. I'm a man, my interests haven't been relevant since 2015, and I'm not sure what I'm doing.

[thepyritesociety]

Hi hello update: my boyfriend (our boyfriend??) noticed a difference in behavior during our last dissociative episode. He's not exactly giving me much to work with but he said that it was a fairly noticable shift in behavior. For context: I honestly do not remember much from the past like 2 weeks.

[thepyritesociety]

Intro Post

Hi. I'm not gonna name any names cause I don't know whats going on right now. I'm possibly part of a DID system. I know that I tend to forget pretty much everything. Weeks at a time. Major events. Whole conversations. Things I've apparently done or said. I also know my opinions and feelings on things change back and forth a lot, with me having very little memory of why I had the previous opinion and only vaguely remember having it at all. Most of my childhood memories just aren't there. Much of who I am is just extremely inconsistent all of the time.

If I am part of a system, I don't know where I fit in it. I don't know if I'm the host, a regular alter, or what. I don't know what my role is. I've heard that many systems have problems differentiating who is who in the early stages, so maybe thats whats happening. But maybe I'm just a singleton, who knows. Sure as hell not me. The goal is that I'm just a severely inconsistent singleton but who knows.

I can tell you certain things will change drastically on occasion. Beliefs, personality, whatever memories I have. Whole years will end up just being gaps. Things like gender and sexuality are also subject to change. Even names. And thats part of why I suspect I may be part of a system. I don't really know why this changes. It just does. I see so many of my memories through 3rd person. Like I'm not the one doing them. Little scary tbh.

I'm just gonna write here on occasion to see if I can piece things together. Any advice is appreciated.