I guess I'm a mess, cursed and blessed. (:

The happiest you’ve ever been is not the happiest you’ll ever be.

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

It’s like I was perfectly fine on my own working on my business but now I’m on dating apps and keep getting triggered and I was crying all day because no one understands me and when no one is around. I believe “at the right time”but talking to all these WRONG people keeps reminding me of how far I am from having what I want. I don’t have any friends or family so I resent people who do. I hate them so much. I know it’s not them, it’s me. I just want friends to travel with me who are also kind and validating. Friends where we are close. Can send each other weird screenshots and say “I’m coming over” I feel so heartbroken without that and lost. I don’t know where I want to be and frankly I don’t even know if I want to be alive.

[houseofhayley]

[placeeee]

[dafancyuhinspiration]

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

I don’t know what I hate about Canada so much or even just Ontario but my biggest fear would be to date a guy from here and be trapped here. I’d rather live in Canada, than Australia because I’m used to everything and it’s easy to pick up side jobs and get rentals. I just felt so unsafe in Australia. But I don’t want to settle down in Canada, I’m just tired of guys who are small town homeowners who don’t want to travel and are still friends with the boys from kindergarten. The idea of that grosses me out. Eventually I wouldn’t mind getting married, but I want it to be to someone who has lived and we live around people who have also lived and continue to evolve. I just don’t know where that is? I don’t want to live with party animals and I don’t want to live around married with children people. I’m just a wellness girlie who loves to travel. So I have no idea what to do. Stay in Canada, accept a permanent position. Everything is safe. Go to Australia, likely still people who never left the country… small town and in the odd one out. Or go to Thailand, be around expats but likely they’re much younger. Or somewhere completely different? I just feel lost in life and feel like I’m running away to Thailand because I’m afraid to grow up…

[wildestlovers]

Itsbabystef

[javarisx-fightingthosedemons]

[unfxded]

⠀

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

Literally EVERYTHING is reminding me of Julian and I can’t take it. Hearing his name disgusts me. The warm weather. The month we met. Every Italian. Every Indian. It makes me want to be with him even though I was only obsessed with my fantasy of him. When I was sober I never enjoyed my time around him, except that last dinner. I just want to forget him so badly and I know saying that just makes the thought stickier. I keep trying to say “it’s okay you’re thinking about Julian” to a part but it’s not working. I feel tense whenever I think about him and want to give in so badly and run with the thoughts and imagined scenarios but I stop myself because I know if I start I won’t stop. I was so sad and Lost in Australia I attached myself to him. I feel like he flicked me off like a bug to be honest. It’s like he hated me so much he did whatever it took to get me to go back to Canada. He planned all of it. His phone never broke. I can’t believe he even wanted to be with me after the first set of abusive texts. And then I wondered, did he really like me or was he desperate? But that guy was also a creep. Like I said something was off in his face he only looked nice from the side. The fact that he had no friends was creepy and lived in a garage with a basement basically. No actual address. I don’t know what I find / found so fascinating about him? Because he let me talk and talk and asked so many interesting questions? Because of how similar we were (might also be why I hate him). He said I’m endearing yet also told me my mom was right to call me ungrateful. I wanted to die when he said that. I couldn’t take being so misunderstood, yet he held me all night while I cried. Got up to get me tissues. He was so sweet. But so mean to me through his words. That’s why texting broke us up and I’m glad. His communication skills were horrible and him being oddly calm was so creepy. He’d never be able to validate me or celebrate me or be excited around me. I miss him so much. I don’t want to be with him, he’s not the one. He hurt me so much. I want someone consistent, excited to talk to me, patient, tells me I’m not a burden (ugh this is why I feel like I love Eric. Maybe I do as a friend. He says it to me but I’m scared to text a married man I love him. But I’ve felt significantly better since he told me I’m not a burden. Truly saved my life more than dopey pills. I’d rather think about him. It feels so secure since we are just friends. But I also want to be IN love and I felt like I was so close with Julian. We had everything in common which is already so rare and the things about me I’m scared of he accepted for a while, but then said my mental health was too much (without ever directly saying it) all he said was we are not a match, I think you get what I mean, you get one reply then I’m not engaging makes me want to murder him.. at least it did. I’m high, but I recently sent a bad review about him AGAIN and I’m scared one day I’ll get in trouble. I wish I could stop. But I can’t. I even sent rage texts (not abusive though) but I sent and then immediately blocked. I’m so scared he’s going to be lurking around where I live ready to attack me for getting him banned off Instagram. Also why did Julian use a completely fake name on Facebook and the one I made of him still cracks me up! Ok this was a good brain dump. High.

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

Joe with his disgusting crooked teeth and incomplete beard. He should’ve been honoured I allowed him to touch my pussy.

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

And one more thing, I attempted suicide last night, failed badly. Literally nothing happens when you miss weed alcohol sleeping pills and Vraylar lol. It’s nice being high though, I don’t even think about Julian like I’m so OVER him. I just can’t stop thinking about him. When I’m high I feel good since I don’t think about him. I’d much rather think about Joe. About Joe. I hate Joe. That crater face. That short short man. With his blah personality and lack of travels. He’s too old to be a fuck boy. I hope he dies a slow painful death of aids. I better delete his number before I send him a rage text.

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

Oh did I mention I filed another report about Julian?! I can’t help myself, whenever I’m feeling sad he has to feel it too. I’m so crazy. I’d rather focus all my rage on this guy Joe. That crater face short man literally stormed out because he didn’t get sex LMAO it was quite a tantrum.

A part of me wishes I pushed him off the balcony.

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

Just feel a little weird. I cleaned my house head to toe and I never did because this man was coming over. He pleasured me and stormed out when I said I won’t do the same for him. We had a nice time all day together, but then that ruined it. The first line in my bio says no hook ups. I’m glad I didn’t have sex with him but he said I was selfish for allowing myself to get pleasured.

All I wanted was to get over Julian…

[inspirinq]

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

Oh and another thing, I am FINALLY going to California, a dream city of mine but I get NO likes on dating apps there. Do men not like black women there? Or is it just me?

[unreadable]

[therealifeofacomplicatedgirl]

I was doing so well. I was still thinking about Julian a lot, but I wasn't sad. I didn't need revenge. I didn't even think I wanted a boyfriend. Now, school is out, I have nothing to do, the sun is shining and I can't help but think about Australia. Think about how difficult and scary life was there. Think about how broken and lonely I felt there. How desperate I was for friends. How Julian was all I had and he completely destroyed me. Right now, all I want is to talk to someone else. Be held by someone else. Kiss someone else. I feel like crying.

[lecionar]