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i want to know what bears think sometimes

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[therealnattyk]

Why I’ll never apologize for anything I write

I mirror actions, so it’s really up to others how we are going to act. If you treat me badly, I will react accordingly. I will never throw the first punch verbally but I will knock you out.

A lot of people ask why I’d discuss such hurtful topics. It gives me such relief to speak the truth. Yes I wrote about my friend basically killing my other friends (good job girl) and another one I thought was funny but was motivated by hurt. Hurt that someone would threaten me with pictures they have because of someone who died. Hurt beyond belief.

I will never be one of those hippy dippy love and light people. If you hit me I’ll knock you the fuck out. Life was rough for a solid two years and after what I lived through I’m different, for better or worse. It’s just the person I’ve always been but stronger mentally. Evan showed me my strength. He is still with me and reminds me of who I am and who I became surviving his death. Try me, you won’t hurt me more than the world already has. Even if you get to me emotionally for a second I will be fine at the end of the day. The question is when I use the truth to hurt you back, will you be fine? Do you have a support system that will do anything for you? Just make sure you do. You’ll need it.

[therealnattyk]

I wrote a post on another blog about how no one is ever going to save you. A large part of me still stands by that. You have to save and support yourself through it all. The thing I didn’t realize when I angrily jotted down how alone we all are is support is a real and important thing. Humans are social creatures and we seem to get along better with some. This is my person. He always saves me and it’s time to give him credit. He knows I COULD take care of myself and you know what? He probably loves me more because of it. Men love a woman who wants them but isn’t needy. I hope everyone finds what I’ve found. Even if it doesn’t last forever, like I’m sure my relationship will. We exchange vows in May. This is my best friend in the world. Vastly superior to anyone dead or alive.

When you find your soulmate don’t ever, ever let them go.

[therealnattyk]

The Evan files.... the last times I ever saw him 💚💙💚💙

[therealnattyk]

Chetta No Dick

Growing up in a small town, everyone knows everything. About everyone. There is no hiding from your most embarrassing childhood traumas, and it’s best to just embrace it. In this case, that must be extra hard. Maybe it explains a lifetime of questionable behavior, acting out, and drug use. In my opinion it doesn’t, but I’m sure some men who read this will feel horrible for what happened.

This was my best inside joke with Evan because we found out about it together. And never told anyone what we heard for years. I honestly forgot it even happened. I think Evan sent me the memory because this kid was an asshole to me about Evan. He would be so angry and disgusted. Probably how Chetta no Dick will feel when someone sends him this link.

The four of us were at my Connecticut house. The girl and were 16 or so, meaning Evan and the person this is about were 18. The girl and the kid went into my guest room to have sex. Being 16 I wanted to spy on them because I was super immature. Evan was down so we headed into the little hallway to listen to what we thought would be funny, awkward sex. Oh hell no. It was an argument. Evan literally had to cover my mouth so I wouldn’t laugh! The girl was screaming “is that a dildo?!?” “What the fuck are you doing?!?”

Ok so later I confront her and she won’t tell me shit. Basically denied all of it. The story traveled around my friend group and eventually we got to the bottom of what we think happened, more or less. Mostly through talking to girls he had pissed off, we came to the conclusion he has a deformed and unusable penis. I even made two of my friends try and go down on him. He always refused. Basically from then on he was known as Chetta no Dick.

His current girlfriend is a trashy Italian who is a little young for him and does hair. Perfect. She is convinced literally every woman on earth wants her man. Even without knowing about the deformed Dick I doubt many people want a fat Xanax addict with anger issues.

I’m not sure if Evan had my back here but I’m not about to let Chetta no Dick make me sad. I know I didn’t kill you Evan. I know you wish you here to tell him to fuck off. I told him for both of us. 💖

[darkermoonnow]

[therealnattyk]

Glass art from Japan by

[therealnattyk]

Oranges 🍊

I never believed in signs or anything like that until someone I cared about pretty much above all else including my self died. Now I constantly ask the universe different questions that didn’t used to concern me. Call me insane but I swear there is something going on here. Here are some recent examples.

We just did my engagement photos on Wednesday. They came out amazing, although it was supposed to rain we had amazing light. It was perfect and so fun. Before, I was nervous and took a walk to calm my nerves on the beach. Whenever I don’t have my phone I talk to Evan in my head. I was saying please somehow show me you approve. Please show me you’re happy I’m so happy. I said show me orange. Orange is how his family likes to remember him. They think it was his favorite color. It was definitely blue. Or green depending on the day but I’ll play along with the orange thing. So I was like show me orange.

I assumed the perfect light at the shoot was the orange but oh no. A bikini arrived that was supposed to be red. It’s bright orange. Someone put orange flags everywhere to mark something. Ok maybe that’s all a just me looking for things in the universe. Today I walked down to the beach and an orange washed up in the waves. Like the fruit, an orange. I laughed. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe he can hear me and is still watching over me. I think it’s both.

[therealnattyk]

Written on 8/15/18

Why ambition?

I honestly can’t believe I’m even sitting here writing this in 2018. I can’t believe how beautiful my life is now, and how in touch I am with myself and everything I want. Today is the 3 year anniversary of your death, and I’m still alive. I somehow have gotten out of bed for over 1000 days without you on this planet. I’ve done more than get out of bed, frankly more than I ever accomplished when you were here. Although every day has been hard in different ways, I’ve made it. I’m ok.

After you died I didn’t know what to do and I just drifted for months. I’m so lucky I had my love and my family. They literally made me keep going. I don’t remember much of that time and I don’t want to remember it. I will never be in a place like that again, but it built extreme character and I can only see that now.

My first crystal clear memory after your funeral was a trip to manhattan. Somehow I drifted into the big Apple and then the lush spa. And by somehow I mean my mom arranged it. I only went because you used to buy me lush and it made me feel connected to you. I still remember how raw and different that level of pain was. I was like a child who hadn’t learned to self soothe, screaming for an answer or anything I could grasp at.

I was asked to pick a “feeling” or “mood” I wanted to take away from this experience. Looking back I feel like I should have picked something chill like “peace” or “relaxation” but that just isn’t me. Peace and relaxation are awesome but for some reason I was called to the scent of ambition. It smelled a little like roses and licorice. It wasn’t comforting. I was challenging. 3 years later I realize that this was the perfect pick because it’s what I needed. I needed all the ambition in the world to get this far and farther. Living in the world without you inspired me to give this life everything I fucking have for you as well as me. Everything I do and experience I somehow feel is for both of us because you inspired me in life and continue to inspire me. I will always live life to the fullest for you as my loudest, happiest, and most ambitious self. Hope you enjoy watching my amazing life- hope you’re proud.

[therealnattyk]

How could you not wake up!?

At Evans funeral, the most beautiful service and saddest of my life, I thought everyone would finally wake up. Especially you Chris. How could carrying the dead weight of someone we both loved so much not drive the point home that that could be you if you ever did heroin again? His coffin was so heavy. The room was so heavy. My heart was so heavy. You watched me sob until my face was raw. You watched me lay my hand on his coffin and fall down crying. How was this not in any way a wake up call for you? That’s the first question I would ask if I could talk to you still. If you were alive.

I had hope for you. I really did and now I feel so dumb because I was missing a major detail about all this until today. Your girlfriend has been carefully controlling and manipulating your memory, as she did to you when you were alive. Maybe that’s why you made a second Facebook to talk to another girl. A girl who I can understand why you would love. A smart girl. Maybe a girl who could have saved you.

But the girl you were with isolated you from your friends. We barley spoke, I could have used your support about Evan and I damn sure know you could have used mine. You were one of the only people who really cared. I just didn’t think you’d follow him. Part of me is so happy you’re together. The larger part is pissed I’m not with you guys and can’t talk to you.

A little after 7:00 AM your dad called the cops and they found you in the back bedroom with foam around your head. You were already dead when they checked you.

The girl was on the ground screaming for them to give you narcan. They said they asked her why and she just kept screaming it and never elaborated as to why. I always thought she suspected what happened. I now know she knew.

The girl and your father, who’s now in jail, knew you did heroin that night. Your father literally supplied it to you. I always assumed it was because the girl didn’t know that she didn’t call anyone. I assumed she woke up next to you. I got the real story today. Your father and the girl decided to let you “sleep it off”. She slept in a different room. I never understood why she didn’t wake up when you choked to death on your vomit, it was because she knew you’d used and left you all alone.

Not knowing this I comforted the girl for almost two years. Considered her a friend. Thought of her as a good person. Now I couldn’t be more confused and horrified. I love you Chris and I know Evan will take care of you. CPL and EPR I love how you guys share a middle name.