Fuck It

[theredbedroomwall]

Day 61 of Quarantine: COVID-19

Right now, it is day 61 of Quarantine. Sounds strange, right? “Quarantine,” like we’re in some type of post apocalyptic novel and things are about to get VERY interesting. However, it is May 16th 2020, and I’m just feeling a bit caged-in and defeated.

The pandemic is called COVID-19 or Corona Virus. It attacks your lungs and puts you on a respirator, or just makes you feel like you have a really bad flu. Daily deaths have been in the hundreds just in New Jersey alone. I wonder how much of the population we are losing world wide. 

Some people are taking it very seriously, while others are not. We are supposed to be “social distancing” and all “non-essential” business have been closed. However, it seems that certain places around the world and the US have started opening again. The “President” is instigating his fans into protesting Quarantines and stirring up animosity. It’s truly crazy what is seen on the news. People around here, including my own friends, do not take social distancing seriously either. It makes me jealous of them, because they get to see their friends...but at least, I know that my family is safe...although, Papa started working at Walmart only a week or so before Quarantine was put into effect. And that’s considered “essential”. 

Right now, I am fully feeling the effects of Quarantine. I feel caged-in. This is the time of year when I get to come out of hibernation and socialize. I’ve actually been doing so well with my mental health since last summer. I started applying to the masters program I that would give me direction in life, started taking online pre-requisite classes, traveled a lot, have a boyfriend, work out fairly consistently....everything seemed to be going my way...until this. 

I’m still fairly okay. But the longer this lasts the harder it feels to keep myself and all my thoughts from drifting to a place I’d rather not go. 

One of these, is about my boyfriend; Andres Gomez Fernandez. He lives in Spain (believe me I know) and has a lot of great qualities about him. Many that I needed when we met. I was in the process of healing over many things and he was stable, kind, responsible, wanted to travel and have fun, treated me like a princess. But as Quarantine goes on, I feel like I’m never going to see him again...travel bans, restrictions, COVID-19... And our future together seems hopeless. He has been through so much and feels lonely, he can be emotionally immature due to it. His grandmother died about a month or so ago, and living on his own has be very difficult for him. I wouldn’t wish his situation upon anyone. I’m scared that I’m holding onto him...because I want to help him and not because I still love him. I haven’t actually said that out loud to anyone or written it down, but I think it might be true. At the same time, every time I think about breaking up with him I get extremely upset. I wonder if I would be feeling the same way if I was still going to be seeing him all summer...if quarantine hadn’t happened...I’m tearing up writing this.

Another, thing is I’m jealous of all my friends who are ignoring social distancing rules. I don’t want to put my family in danger but I am itching to go out and socialize properly. I’ve found activities to keep me occupied, but I miss seeing my friends; their energy and presence. Alex had friends over today...that group with Mo, Melissa, Dilan, Julian, Naomi etc. I still feel weird when I’m not invited to those things. I don’t invite Alex to everything I host...but its such a strange feeling because I used to know those people. And I’ve only ever disliked one or two of them. Granted, Alex had added me to a GroupMe with them and I didn’t “like” the heart button to stay in the chat when Mo were cleaning it up...but I also didn’t feel wanted. It’s not so much the group that it’s at Alex’s house and I think I’m still pretty salty about Tommy’s girlfriend Victoria. (It’s rounding two years and the girl has finally not been a straight up bitch to me. Probably because I have a boyfriend now. Who knows.).

I keep re-living everything I’ve ever done wrong, especially drunk. And I’m truly not enjoying my brain for giving my those hazy experiences back. 

On the bright side: 

I’ve replaced my carpet floors with lament that looks like wood floors. Painted over that strong dandelion yellow in white so that my closet looks cleaned. And I’ve gone through my clothes and organized my room completely. I got rid of a lot of things that I just do not need. It was a nice, cleansing experience. 

My family is here and safe; including Elena who hasn’t gone back to Florida since her spring break.

I’m officially enrolled at Montclair State University in the Masters in Teaching Social Studies with Teacher for Students with Disabilities program and I have a Graduate Assistantship that will pay for my first 24 credits for the 2020-2021 school year. 

I am half way through my Teaching English as a Foreign Language certificate (I have to start that up again soon). 

It has been so sunny and wonderful the last few days that I am re-reading the Harry Potter series out on the deck, getting color and feeling beautiful. 

I AM trying to socialize as much as possible via Zoom, FaceTime, etc. Jenn, Reese, and Mylo plus various people a few times. Facetimed Koda. I might do a snapchat call with Jordan, Tommy, and Alex. Talking to Rob again in general (we drifted, we’re still not close but it’s nice to talk to him). Might social-distance meet up with Kathryn soon. 

My emotions seem a little wild right now, and I’m trying to hang on to that absence of extreme depression and anxiety that I’ve managed to maintain for about a year now. 

[poems-and-word]

[timetoslay-blog]

I just watched "Beneath You" again.

“They put the spark in me, and now all it does is burn.”

“Can we rest now,Buffy? Can we rest?

[theredbedroomwall]

Yeah, that happened.

I fell in love this summer.

Maybe everything happens for a reason. Now it sucks that Rob probably lost his virginity to Veronica. He won't say it but when they ended he hooked up with a decent amount of girls because he was upset. He apparently did it wrong though, was too nice and stuff so it confused the girls. I was like "Have you learned nothing from me?" Now he's dating a girl named Abby. I'm told she's nice but I never met her. Idk what it is but I feel like Rob doesn't want me meeting his other friends or anything like that. It's frustrating because I want to stay close with him but half the time it feels like we're strangers. Recently, he's been more of a friend. I was going to write him off last Tuesday (October) if he didn't text me when I missed our writing class. He didn't text me when Manuel left to see if I was okay. That really hurt. I talked to him about it and he was like "I'm sorry" but nothing was reassuring. I felt worse after he left. But recently he texted me after that class and we also went to the drag show together. It was fun. And it was weird walking him to Bill of Rights to Abby, but I did. And instead of being upset with him, this time I was happy for him. For the first time he was acting like my friend but he's also with someone who seems really nice. Or at least not cheating on him with his friend. Lol

Anyway, so a lot developed for Rob and that might've been a good thing for me.

I fell in love with a guy named Manuel Pastrana. Yeah, leave it to me to fall for someone who lives in Spain. It seems as though I'm good at making them fall for me (Edu).

We met at the beginning of the summer because he came with the rest of my ISP friends, Paula, Marta, Abde, Victor, and Mario. He was in room 3 with the boys and we ended up seeing a lot of each other. He tells me now he thought it was funny that I thought I was hot shit. Which makes me laugh because he was still interested and did it anyway. He told me that when we hooked up for the first time, he almost left. I remember vaguely it was when a bunch of people were out front of Rachel Stote's swinging on the swing. I don't remember my intentions exactly. But I don't remember going outside originally to hook up with Manuel. I think he thinks that was the plan. But it turns out he stayed anyway, even if he was about to leave and we kissed. It was hysterical to hear his side of the story months later. But honestly I dont remember most of that night.

I hadn't planned on liking him. After we hooked up he kept coming up to me and even to Paul at work. To say hi or talk for a minute. It was great and people were like "Damn Marina you're gonna crush him" and stuff like that.

I fucked Victor about a week before me and Manuel first kissed. He brought that up too. I tried to explain to him that that's how I was before I met him. Sex meant fun with hotties not like allegence to anyone. He mentioned it in the same conversation about Stote's party. How I was "bad." He said something about me making it seem like me and him were going to hookup that night but how I fucked Victor instead...and maybe that did happen. But that was before I knew Manuel so I didn't really give two thoughts towards him. I guess that's rude of me...but it worked out anyway. Haha

So Manuel and I started hanging out more. And every time I was hanging at the ISPs he was there too. We had sex for the first time on his birthday. He wanted me to look into his eyes and I remember feeling so uncomfortable. I had never done that before. It was intimate, on a level I hadn't experienced. But it was still good sex (after we were interrupted by Fraser, took a night time excursion and came back to the bed).

We continued to hang out all summer. We went on dates. We hung out at the housing. Everyone knew we were an item, which was kind of fun because people were calling him mine before I was. The batillos would joke that he was going to get a Green Card and stay here married to me. I loved that people would say things like that, because that meant that others saw how much we cared about each other. It wasn't another hookup or a continuous hookup. And then we went to the Jets game, and as we're tailgating in the parking lot, hours before the game started, he told me he loved me. I got mad at him initially. He made something fun suddenly serious with those three words. It sucked. Because "I love you" implied a future that we wouldn't have.

But I did love him.

After that I pretty much stayed over at the ISPs every day. I felt like Athena from last year haha. Abde was promoted so I became his personal alarm clock. I showered upstairs in Paula's room most nights though.

One day I was really upset and Abde kinda threw me at Manuel. And I was crying and he didn't know why. It was almost comical the language barrier. It's hard to try to speak in another language when you're upset. But he held me anyway. It's amazing how great that feels, for someone who LOVES you to hold you when you're upset. I never thought about how that would feel differently than other hugs. But it did.

And one of my last nights at Creek we stayed at an airb&b together. And we didn't see each other for a few weeks while I was at school but then he came to stay with me at school. Missed his flight haha. And was with me for a week.

It was amazing. And I love him still.

It's October

[theredbedroomwall]

By the way, Spain was amazing and I still need to post the photos.

[theredbedroomwall]

Rob Motherfucking English

Rob is dating Scoutt. I was too mad for awhile to talk about it or write about it. Maybe not even mad. 

He told me about a week or so after I got back from Spain. I knew there was something different about him. He was more confident in some way. He came to my room around 2am and we were talking about the group and he mentioned Scoutt. He said how her “gay” friend actually liked her and I was like “What does she do shit rainbows? Everyone is in love with her. I bet you are too,” and that’s when he told me he liked her. We were holding hands on my bed, not cuddling in a spooning way but still sort of holding each other. He said that he liked her too and I instantly felt sweaty. My palms, my armpits, the back of my neck was on fire and I felt like vomitting. I wanted to leave but he was still there and I couldn’t leave my own room. He instantly told me that nothing would change between us, the way Gavin stopped  talking to me when he was dating her. But it didn’t matter. I felt gross...disgusted. It let go of his hand and acted like everything was fine and I just changed position because I wanted to ask him questions or whatever. Not because I wanted to vomit on his face lol. 

He’s still with her I think. And she posts snapchats all the time about how Gavin does things for her and she calls him “bae” in the stories. LIKE WHAT?! It honestly makes me so mad for Rob. He’s my best friend and I know this is the worst for him. He even told me about a time when he thought Gavin and her were fucking but they were just “watching 50 shades of grey” like I believe that. I want to choose to because I don't want Rob to get hurt but I literally wanted to throw shit when Rob gave me that update. Rob pretty much said that he knows she’s crazy in a relationship, he knows she used to like Gaivn, he knows all of it and he’s doing it anyway. And I was like but why? And he said that there were qualities about her that he liked but he also mentioned something along the lines of the fact that he was lonely and she was there. So I’m kind of clingy to that. 

The thing is, its understandable for me to be upset but not in the way that I was. It honestly disgusts me when I see them together or when they post anything about each other on social media. It actually makes me physically sick. Reese thinks it could be some type of feelings for him. And she’s not wrong because I do love him but I never really felt any sexual feelings towards him. Except for the dream that I had one time after getting back from Spain. The thing is that, I always seem to have the worst timing. I could see myself trying out a date with him, but naturally I can’t ruin his first “relationship” ever with me saying that I could possibly have some type of feelings for him. When in reality, I don’t even know if that’s true. At least not in the romantic way. 

So long story short-I hate her. And Reese and Mylo are very helpful in being my friend in that way haha. They’ll send things she posts or says in a group chat we have and it always makes me laugh and feel good to know I have my friends by my side. Even if its not really nice, but they’re trying to make me feel better, not trying to be mean to her. But whenever anyone finds out they are always like NOOOO POOOR ROB. And honestly, he’s a big boy and he made his decision. 

Darcy was talking about it to me and Peighton one time. There was one thing that stuck out to me: she asked Rob why he liked me for a year and a half and never said or did anything but he started liking Scoutt for a month and made a move. His answer was that I never wanted him to make a move but Scoutt did. And that frustrates me. Because it’s not fair to assume I want or don’t want anything. He should just act based on how he feels, maybe if he ever said something it would change things. But he never did. And that’s on him, I guess.

He’s still one of my best friends. I go to him for everything. He’s my lifeline. He’s the person I can count on. He and Reese are my number one’s at school and at this point...in life. We talk about everything. Its harder long distance but we still talk almost every day. I miss him a lot. I’m so scared that he will still be dating Scoutt when school starts up again. And that is not how I want to spend my Senior year. I keep watching these romantic movies about not seeing what’s right in front of you and I think maybe I’m doing that? I don’t know. But I do know is that, like Tommy and Reese, I never want him to leave my life.  

[theredbedroomwall]

I will always be a fighter

I feel lost in every sense of the word. I don’t want to be apart of my sorority anymore but I don’t want to leave either. Change is scary. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. What makes me happy? 

Parties? I thrive at places where they serve free alcohol. Places where they dance but there’s been a lot less of that lately. Less fun. People are growing boring and I think its the location. Long Island. Place of fuckboys and standing around. 

Matt. For a second I thought I was going to have a boyfriend. Someone smart and fun. He was certainly book smarts. Not exactly emotionally intelligent. Psychopath? You would think anyone who promises you so much and then just stops speaking to you couldn’t possibly have emotions. But people do what they do and stick to their lies. I probably won’t ever know the real reason. Sex? He didn’t need to lie to get it. Maybe he craves the attention of someone who is into you? Regardless, lesson learned. I was upset for about three days. But it was an experience, telling me what I want but learning to trust my gut. Because really my gut told me it wasn’t real. Thought it was just my classic depression telling me not to believe in something good. How do you know when to trust yourself or when its the doubt speaking? 

I don’t know what I want now. But the last of my best friends are graduating. So many people did those three year program things. I should’ve graduated early too. But early and unsatisfied? I don’t know. 

I never expected Tris to be president of AOB. Her negativity and unforgiving anger seeped into the rest of the sorority. I almost feel bad for her, that most people don’t like her. But she dug the grave and keeps digging. She thinks she’s doing what’s best but a president is supposed to make decisions that reflect how the organization feels. She’s not doing that. I don’t think that people understand that she only has as much power as you give her. Everyone’s so afraid. No one should be afraid of their president of their social sorority. This shouldn’t actually be like the TV show Greek. That’s supposed to be exaggerated entertainment, not reality. 

But I’m the only one to fight back and I’m only one person. I don’t want to live like that. The depression is seeping back and I need to do what makes me feel better. Its not like cheerleading where I had people on my side and felt even more bonded. I’m angry. Angry at the people who don’t speak up but feel some type of way. 

Silence from all of you is worse than the monster that poisons my safe place with unforgiving anger. 

Its the ones who say nothing that really kill us. 

[theredbedroomwall]

Edu

There are people and nights that change your life. I’m so happy that I’ve had that experience. I’m grateful for it. It came in the place I least expected it. 

But without Edu I know this semester wouldn’t have been like it’s been. I’m tired of hooking up and not in a “i can’t get any, so I’m saying I’m tired of it” but I really don’t have the urge most of the time. He’s the last person I’ve had sex with and I’m not hung up on him...I’m appreciative of the experience. Because now I know what I want. What type of person I want in my life, to talk to me that way, to hold me and kiss me like that. I know what I’m searching for and it’s time. 

I don’t know if he knows that I’ve hung his graffiti drawing of my name up in my dorm. Or that I think about his words and I feel stronger and better every day. When I’m sad or questioning if I’m worth anything I just remember his “I don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks attitude” and how he gave a fuck about me. He doesn’t care enough to be nice so honesty flows freely and why would he lie? 

And I’m grateful for this summer. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made and my promotion. I’m incredibly grateful for his words. 

And the feeling he gave me.

[theredbedroomwall]

“Netflix and Chill” is Code

So a few weeks ago I made out with Celvia and she was like ready to take off my pants and the proceeds to tell me she has a sort-of girlfriend back in Spain so I’m like “...okay, I’m gonna go now...” And I kind of ignored her the few days I saw her after that because that’s just not fair at all. You can’t say that as you're taking off my pants lmao. 

This past Thursday Cupi asked me to “Netflix and Chill” with him and I was like dying laughing because I taught them that means sex. And the bearded Alvaro was there and goes “I don’t think he’s kidding” and I said “Well, I’m going to take it as a joke anyway” haha. It was funny. But I felt bad later because I used Curro’s bathroom and when I came out he pulls me towards him and starts kissing me. Which lead to my shirt coming off and then Cupi walked in hahaha. OOPS. Its just unfortunate timing because I had rejected him earlier. 

I haven't been to work since Thursday because I went to Jenn Russo’s house for her graduation party and I just got back today (sunday). I drank so much in the past four days I feel like I’m going to die haha. 

ITS FINE.

I wonder if everyone at work knows now. I feel like they would talk about it because we were walked in on twice... I wonder if Celvia knows and if it bothers her. If it does, too bad because honestly if you have someone back home and you bring it up then clearly they mean something to you enough and you shouldn’t be trying with anyone else. 

Curro is very bite-yyy which is normally okay but holy shit it was a bit too much. His teeth a fucking sharp. My neck had scratches on it and my right breast is like bruised/scratched as well. Which is more concerning because that looks pretty bad haha. 

[theredbedroomwall]

I am fucking killing it at Creek and its pretty awesome.

Like most of the Spanish guys are into me and one of the girls. I love the attention. I feel like a celebrity at work and definitely forbidden fruit because everyone keeps asking me if I’m Paul’s sister.

Speaking of that. Last thursday I had a conversation with Jon about him bend dumb with girls and how he needs to use his powers for good. He was like “I had no idea that everyone liked me” and I was like “bullshit” but then told him how I never knew I was pretty or like a hot commodity. That’s when he tells me I’m beautiful and says that the only reason he never hit on me was because he’s friends with Paul. He joked about that before but like he straight up said it this time and thats just kind of like wow. Because Jon is that guy that everyone has a crush on at work and he would’ve tried with me.

Which isn’t saying much because he tries with a lot of girls but I also try with a lot of guys ...or don’t try but allow the attention of a lot of them?? 

I don’t know, I’m just flattered. 

[theredbedroomwall]

Rizzos song speaks to me

[theredbedroomwall]

Its silly but I’m actually insulted that there are all these posts on tumblr about Action Park being the most dangerous waterpark ever. There’s also a lot of inaccurate posts about it not being open any more. I guess people don’t know that it’s called Mountain Creek Water Park. 

I saved 28 lives my first summer working there. How’s that for shitty lifeguards?

[theredbedroomwall]

As I was reposting everything from my previous blog to this one, I saw this photo again. I love this photo so much. It was the screen of my old phone before I did a cartwheel at Sammy Clause and broke it. I lost so many great photos that night. Including some really awesome elf ones. Some of me and Jay in the bathroom as she drops her phone into the toilet. Some of me and Waldo wearing matching hats. Some of me wearing Nemo’s suspenders haha.

Anyway, when I first lost my phone in that “hurricane,” aka just four days of rain, a guy from the TEP house named Jack Sewell found it. Lisa saw that he posted about finding a phone and gave me his name so I could message him on Facebook. He asked me what my screensaver was so I described it. Which I think was really cool of him because if someone messaged him and didn’t know the screensaver, he wouldn’t give it to them. I never really met him though because every time I tried to get it back one of us was busy. Then he finally left it outside his room for me to pick up whenever I was around. I got it back and thanked him over Facebook. I never met him though. Spring semester 2016 was the first time I formally met him. It was a day drinker at one of the dance works houses, Beer Olympics themed that me Nemo, Reese, Fetty, and Lisa went to. We were winning until the last game which sucked but oh well. That was when I made out with Waldo. It was also the day that I actually met Jack. We was nice and friendly which made for good company. I was standing out front with a few TEPs because it was chilly that day and we were trying to find the sun. Jack took my sunglasses and wore them for a little bit. I like it when people do things like that because it’s like saying, hey, we’re gonna be friends now. After that, I would see him around campus and stuff and he would always say hi and make small talk. That’s something that a lot of people don’t do...maybe because they’re too afraid to make sober conversation? I don’t really know. But either way he was friendly and wasn’t afraid.

The last night that I was out last semester was a really good one. I had a great time pre-gaming with Lisa, Jenn, Reese, Fetty, Mylo, and I think that was it. I can’t remember exactly because I was pretty drunk lol. We went to Happy Hour and it was a great time. That’s when this baby Phi Delt named Max tried to hit on me again. He is that type of person who is fake cocky, as in he doesn’t actually believe half the shit he says. He’s definitely not sure of himself or knows himself yet. But he’s not a bad person and I believe he will find himself one day. He was so entertaining. He kept trying, so I finally told him he could take me out on a date. At one point he was talking me up and we happened to be next to the girl Waldo took to formal and she was so fucking cool. She was so nice she over heard the conversation and was like “yeah you better show that girl a good time, treat her right, etc” and I was just like dying of laughter for most of this. But like nodding in agreement because she was on my side, having my back, power to the girls sort of thing. We were both clearly older and more experienced that Max and like united under that fact. It was so funny. I never was upset that Waldo took someone else to formal and especially after meeting her, I would take her to formal too. Plus she’s kind of like me, so he certainly has a type. And that type is strong, independent, outgoing, hot women hahaha. So Max and I hung out for a few hours. It was a lot of fun being constantly pursued while I kept shooting him down. The bullshit spewing from his mouth was hilarious. I had a great time. We also just had a lot of innocent talking. So after our walk to the phi delt house and back we went back to the bar and danced with my sorority again. I went to the bathroom and he apparently told Carol that he was leaving and that “that girl is going to break my heart,” talking about me. I wonder if he was just saying more stupid shit or if he was serious.

Me, Jenn, and Reese ended up going with Captain to the Sammy house. We drank even more while we were there. Which was dangerous because I had been drinking all night. Lisa had left the bar with Fetty earlier so she wasn’t with us. Then I left the Sammy house, I’m not sure why, that part is fuzzy now that I think about it. Maybe I wanted to hang out outside? That’s when I ran into Jack and he started teaching me how to skateboard. It was hilarious. I was so drunk I could barely stand on the board and he was holding me up the whole time. He let go for two seconds and I thought I was going to die lmao. We road up and down meadowbrook which was actually really fun. Plus he was holding me up the whole time so it made it cute. At one point we were down the street away from Sammy and TEP and I was falling off of the skateboard, he tried to catch me and we both fell onto the grass laughing. We pretty much fell on top of each other and we started to kiss. It was like one of those movie moments. The whole night was so much fun. I ended up not doing anything with him because I just didn’t want to ruin any future hookups with Waldo. Which might be silly but if that’s how I feel I wasn’t going to screw myself over like that. But we did make out a fair amount. Then Jenn came looking for me so that we could go back to my room so I put my shirt back on (oops). As I was leaving Jack was like “Are you going to be on the island this summer?” And I was like no. He goes “If you are let me know” I was like “okay.” I just kind of agreed because I was drunk but to be honest I’m not going to hook up with him. He LIVES with Waldo. I think I might have said that out loud that night but I don’t really know. I hope he doesn’t remember but I couldn’t tell how drunk he was because I was GONE. ...its fine. Jenn, Reese, and I went back to Enterprise where they slept over. This was when we found Jenn’s clothes on the 13th floor somehow. I don’t know how long those clothes were there but they were definitely her clothes. We stole the padded tarp from the wall of the elevator so Jenn could use it as a bed that night as she slept on the floor. We were dying of laughter and woke up Joanna which was an added bonus. Reese is so nice and stuff but it was funny because it was her idea to be loud and that coming from Reese just like re-affirmed that she is one of my best friends because she would never be mean to anyone but she would in like defending my honor or whatever. Like she would because since I can’t be rude to Willow, she will be. That sort of thing. And it made me feel good that she cares so much because she is a really level headed and nice human being. So that was icing on the cake of a really awesome night. We woke up drunk the next morning and got breakfast together. We couldn’t stop laughing as we tried to put the tarp back on the elevator wall and failed. I just really love my drunk adventures with Jenn. I can't believe her an Lisa have graduated.

[theredbedroomwall]

Next Time?

Upon reading past posts there are so many thoughts in my head. One thing that stuck out to me was my interactions with Waldo, mainly because I forgot about them. I remembered that we had made out a few times but no details really. I had almost completely forgotten about Lisa obnoxiously shouting that I was in love with him all over the student center after she caught us making out on the back porch of PIKE. 

I was wondering if something like that would happen again. After laying off guys at the beginning of the semester. I ended up forgetting that was my plan after Dave from Phi Kapp. I regret making out with him...kind of, but also not really because that mixer was awesome and we ended up hooking up on a roof so that was pretty cool. After that 90s mixer, I sort of got my mojo back I guess. Chalupa was one of it but thats the only one I really regret. Still paying for it and I guess rightfully so. 

I ended up making out with Waldo a few more times. One of them being on 4/20. It was Tuesday the night before and AOB went out for Greek Night. Spencer texted me inviting me over to the Sammy house, which was kind of weird because Sammy and AOB haven’t been good since we (ugh, i still don’t think it was the right decision) stripped Cosmo of his “Sweetheart” title. I think shit was piling up before that but I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. So I say goodbye to Carter, Tris, and Kayla at Popeye’s and go to the Sammy house. I saw Jackson on the front porch and asked about Spencer and he tells me that he’s at the TEP house. FUNNY. I go up to Waldo’s room and I was like “WTF Spencer” and as I’m saying that he tells me that he just texted me to tell me he was there. Which I got the text so he wasn’t lying. Aaron was like “You have to admit that’s hilarious!” I was fake mad at Spencer but Aaron saying that annoyed me. He hugged me and said that a few more times and I eventually laughed. Idk Aaron is just so fake that I guess I’m over it. I sat in a chair surrounded by guys...who I hookedup with at one point or another. Dutchess, Mandark, Aaron, Waldo...there might have been another there I can’t remember anymore. It got to be past midnight and eventually everyone left. Waldo, Spencer, Kevin, Jack (housemate not in TEP) and one of the new brothers were still there. Spencer said he was going to go smoke more in Kevin’s room and I didn’t know if that was informative or if he was trying to bring me with him. So he leaves and I was too drunk and stoned to go with him but he promised to walk me home later. 

That’s when Waldo asks me to stay over. I’m not sure if he’s interested in me because I happen to be the only female at his house sometimes or if there’s a real interest there. I said I didn’t know but he kicked Jack and newbie out and instead of letting me leave he started kissing me, aggressively. Guess I wasn’t leaving. I ended up staying over and it was fun. We didn’t have sex. Had to respond to Spencer letting him know he was walking home alone.

We made out a few times after that. Don’t remember all of it but there was one at a day drink Beer Olympics were he slapped my ass and I was all about that. Later, I took his sunglasses and he followed me to the side of the house where we made out. We were interrupted by someone getting us to participate in more drinking games. Its fine. lol. 

Before the last week of school he texted me around 1:30-2am asking me to come over. I kept saying “nah” and “not really” which was hilarious to me. Colbi and I were reading the msgs and dying. I mentioned that I would want to go if TEP had more respect for AOB and shit like that. I was like “cancel another mixer with us.” and he kept apologizing. It was hilarious. I finally gave in but when I called the night shuttle it wasn’t running so Colbi said that was a sign to not sleep with him. I was like tru. So I get to my dorm room and i write “shit happens” about me no longer coming because the drunk bus wasn’t running. And so he CALLS ME. I was like wtf. I explained again that the drunk bus wasn’t running and that I was in my dorm about to go to bed. I said something like “if you want to walk all the way to campus to pick me up to walk all the way back to your house, maybe I’ll consider it. but waldo, i’m going to bed” and he goes “okay, I’ll come.” And it felt like that one scene from Gilmore Girls when Rory was telling Logan that she couldn’t do the just friends thing so she had to end it, and he made it seem like she was giving him an ultimatum so he agrees to be her boyfriend. It felt like that. I was ready to go to bed and then he said he was on his way. That boy must’ve really wanted sex that night. I ended up meeting him at the Netherlands. He even sent me snapchats as proof that he was walking. He tried to kiss me when he saw me but I pulled away. I don’t know why I always do that. If anything, I secretly want something real with a guy. Where I don’t have to sneak in or out of the house. Where he can kiss me in public. But I’m always shying away from him in public. I don’t know why. Defense mechanism? Maybe. Literally no one was around by then it was probably close to 2:30am or so. So we walk back and to his room. I use the bathroom and when I walk upstairs to his room he’s laying on his bed, ready. lol. I walked along the edge of his bed still giving him shit for canceling our mixer. I was still upset because he could’ve fucked me that night and it would’ve been a whole hell of a lot easier than this ordeal. He apologized and was like “are you just gonna walk back and forth all night” and I shrugged, “maybe.” That’s when he pulled me down on top of him and I LOVED it. That stuff always makes me giggle. I like physically feeling how much he wants me. We had sex but not to completion which idk maybe it’s a curse that we have. Maybe it’s a curse on me, but I have not yet like fully enjoyed all that sex could be because with Aaron it hurt because he was huge. Everyone else I’ve been either interrupted or Chalupa came so early he was barely inside me (awkward but true). Anyway, Waldo had to pee and when he came back he realized he didn’t have any more condoms and I was like “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME AFTER ALL THAT WORK TO GET ME HERE” but it was kind of hilarious. We agreed that we shouldn’t have sex without a condom but when we were going to sleep he would NOT let me fall asleep. We like half had sex maybe four times before I fell asleep. At one point we were both so tired, it must have been 5am, that he was inside me but we were barely moving but we were both half a sleep but very horny. Talk about lazy young adults. I asked about his pull out game and he sort of just shrugged so I assumed its dismal. A few things stuck out to me that night. He called me “sexy” or “hot” and I was like “great thanks....” without thinking and he goes “what, do you want a different complement?” And I thought about it and said “Well i guess i can’t expect anything real. We don’t know each other that well.” he agreed but told me i was “out there.” I was like “out there? what am i on the fucking moon?” and he goes “no. i like that you're social and confident. You know how to have fun.” and I realized he meant “outgoing.” LOL two different things. The other thing that stuck out to me was he said something, I can’t remember what it was, but I said, then maybe you need something real not hookups. But I don’t remember what he said. I was half asleep and idk why I remember what I said. At one point during the night he said “next time...” and I was like “next time?” with my eyebrows raised. He was like “well whatever...blah blah” and I was like “I’m just kidding and started kissing him all over. Idk why my initial reactions are to be mean. Once again, defense mechanism? But I think he’s similar so we’re probably never getting anywhere on that whole feelings front.

The next morning I got on all my clothes and he’s like “fuck it” and starts undressing me but I was like fighting him, not really because if I really wanted him to stop he does. And I was like, “we decided to be responsible adults. lets keep it that way. i finally have all my clothes on.” So we didn't. 

So I planned on texting him but never did it. I was going to write something along the lines of “ready for attempt number 5″ because he had even mentioned how many times we’ve tried to have sex but it hadn’t worked out. I think he said four. I might still write that, sometime over the summer. He’s in Israel right now though. Kind of too far for a hookup, ya know? But if I’m going to be on the island I’m most likely texting him. I think he stays in Hempstead over the summer but I’m not sure so I’ll have to figure that out. I can always just ask him. But he also might not respond and I absolutely HATE that. 

We shall see. 

I just enjoy him. I want to continue to enjoy him, but I also hate rejection. Even if he doesn't mean more to me than sex...I still like knowing that I’m the one in control. I’m the one with the ability to turn him down. I guess I made that clear that one night, but he’s also not responded to me in the past so that makes me mad. I have to remind myself that he’s just a human. Guys are easy. Women are the ones in control and I just have to not care if he doesn’t respond because I have my own summer fun at Creek. I’ve got the power (lol) I should use it to my advantage. 

(I did have a dream in which he told me he loved me and I told him “No you don’t. You just think I’m cool.” Then I woke up. So yeah. Idk what that means.)

[theredbedroomwall]

New Blog. Positive Vibes.

So I haven’t updated because I had to switch everything over from my old private blog to this new one. It took awhile. I kind of enjoyed reading all my old posts though. They were very informative of things I have since forgotten. That’s why its so important to me to keep a private blog. Something for my thoughts for when I forget how something happened. 

It’s also a reminder of how far I have come. It was almost an ego boost to read everything I’ve written down about guys. Last summer was interesting. Genuinely had fun. 

School is different but I wish I could carry over that same sense of “fuck it” to my mentality when it comes to school. Honestly to keep myself sane I’m going to have to. I can’t feel so seriously about everything that happens during school. 

I’m cooler than I think I am. In every instance of insecurity I find out later that it was about the other person or I didn’t come across how I thought I did. I need to keep that in mind. 

[theredbedroomwall]

Erin still soulmate. We good.

May have slightly over reacted. Lol things are okay. Reminder that communication is the key to every healthy relationship.

[theredbedroomwall]

Best Friend? Guess not.

I’m devastated. I can’t handle a lot of things and Erin thinks I’m a shitty person. She’s says I’ve changed but for the worst. I don’t think I have so much though and thats what bothers me probably more so than anything else happening in my life right now.

People grow apart but I never thought it would be us.

I’ve cried so much and to be honest it feels like she’s already given up on me without telling me. That’s hurts so much. I texted her back a few things and she just was kinda like “you do you but you’re gonna have less friends” and I’m like okay solid.

Never thought she would judge me so harshly. And maybe it isn’t like that but it just feels like she doesn’t care and has peaced out of our friendship.

Her opinion means more to me than probably anyone except my Mom and I just can’t handle this on top of every thing else. Hofstra sucks. My sorority besides Reese, Jenn, and Lisa and maybe a few others SUCK. And so does the social hierarchy that is greek life.

Erin thinks I’ve changed? I think that I had to adjust to the assholes here. I think I’m the same person, I just pretend to be happy more than usual. I talk the same way about people that I did in high school except she just doesn’t know who I’m taking about this time around. I’m not really sure what it is. But I have been feeling like shit for so long and to not have my best friend care or be there for me really hurts.

Maybe she does care but she isn’t showing it and I just can’t really handle life right now