Deep breaths as the sun shines on my face, it’s coming up on two months since George passed away and I’ve spent my summer traveling away from the thought.. George was very important to my life and up bringing, he was my grandfather and more of a dad to me than my actual dad. He thought me so much and always showed up to everything my dad couldn’t when I was growing up. I’m the only one of my siblings on my moms side with a good relationship with his dads side of the family so it made it even more special having my grandma and George to run to when my mom didn’t understand me or when the weekend or summer/winter break came and I could get away from my mom and go sit with George and my grandma for some time. I used to dread going to church with them on Sunday’s cause I’d be up all night watching tv and enjoying having a room to myself cause my brother and I shared a room my whole life but when Sunday morning came and you smelled George brewing that coffee with the gospel music playing you already knew what time it was whether you had slept or not lol. Then when I dropped out of college and fell out with my mom it was my grandma and George to my rescue as I was walking down the street with a suitcase and a dream. When I first started working after that George was up every morning to take me to work and pick me up in his white pickup truck that he damn near had for 20 years but never had no problems out of it cause he loved that truck and took good care of it. He actually taught me how to drive in that same truck that summer after college and every car I’ve ever had George made sure he came outside and looked under the hood and checked everything to give his approval. Reminiscing on all this makes me so sad cause I got a chance to thank him for everything and he told me how proud he was over the years and he got to see me succeed after so much failure & depression but I wish I got to say goodbye.. that’s what hurts the most when I think about. When it came down to it and everyone was there but me I know he probably smiled thinking of where I was in the world but the fact that I wasn’t there makes me sad cause my life’s calling and lesson is.. I’m never there, even before my career.
I heard a very important question yesterday that went “How do you emotionally regulate pain” and I’ve been pondering ever since.. I think I acknowledge my pain in dosages of sun after being the type to sink in it in my youth. When my cousin Antonious died in summer of 2019 I took his death with a beach retreat and immediately started working towards getting into my career & as I’ve gotten older I understand that sitting with it is the way thru but how you sit and who you allow to sit with you during that time is most important. My fast life and working on a project is my way of coping while processing my feelings of lost & grief cause it allows me to think remember & reflect with a rope around my waist so once I go too far in the depths I can just tug on that rope and return to the surface. That rope is my work and a project of my choosing.. work requires me to stay present and attentive and I chose upgrades on my car as the project. I’ve been gone the whole two months since the funeral and when my family ask I truthfully tell them I’ve been just keeping my mind busy. My grandma checks in on me every week.. I knew she knew what I was doing before I acknowledged it when she told me to just make sure I come back but it gets harder over the years when home doesn’t feel like home anymore. The people who anchor my heart to a place are leaving or aging and it’s no way for me to fight time as just a mortal man.. Then I’ve wasted almost two years building my heart a home in a woman that can’t even hold up her own heart so it was stupid to think she could hold mine but that’s on me knowing better but still choosing. So when the tears silently roll down my face I ask myself what is the point of going home and then I see the faces of my family and my homie in my head and tell myself it’ll be good rest.. much needed rest and it’s no honor in running away. When this chapter is over idk how long I’ll stay but I’m on my last string on calling Atlanta home.. since a kid I’ve always been away and went away to college and as an adult my job pulls me away to still reflect that same calling but when the cards added up 3 yrs ago I declined.. I wasn’t ready yet to be honest. I had dreamed of moving to Portland and been there a few times and even met girl from there, I’m not one to long on regret but I should’ve took that chance cause even if the relationship didn’t work out I still would of did me ya know. Back to letting the past be the past and preparing to see everyone’s face.. it’s hard to admit but I know ima cry when I see my grandma again, I’ll have to get flowers and go sit with George and Antonious cause it’s been a while since I sat with him as well. I know I have to keep going and being strong cause all my angels truly cheered me on in life and I know they want to continue to do so. As long as I’m crying with a bankroll and nice things and a nice life I’ll fine
Hope you resting in paradise George, a great man who deserves every lasting peace beyond this world
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