TheReplaceMatts

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we’ve finished investigations, and our terrible bits and headcanons are HERE!

BITS BE UPON YE

some miscellaneous side character stuff:

- lotta hart was lost in the chess dimension for three days

- gregory edgeworth exclaims in japanese

- excelsius winner’s voice accidentally frighteningly close to homer simpson

- judy bound is scottish

- samson is ringo (from the beatles) and also is incapable of showing any emotion because i can’t emote as ringo

- tabby loid sounds 100% identical to lotta hart

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I feel like it’s important to mention that every unhinged decision I made, particular about the way Miles says words, is the result of being fucking exhausted after playing hours of ace attorney doing a bunch of cartoon voices

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Klavier Gavin dressed in a blatantly transparent and ill-fitting costume of a woman trying to seduce Apollo likes Bugs Bunny does to Elmer Fudd

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built this Big Justice (4’ 7”) with @thereplacematts. fiona for scale

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I mostly just made the stand and colored part of his pants and didn’t work

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I did some quick math and I’m pretty sure Ace Attorney has an identical or almost identical number of defense attorneys and magicians.

Magicians: Trucy, Zak, Valant, Thalassa, Magnifi, Mr. Reus, Manov Mistree, Betty & Bonnie, Max Galactica

That’s 10

Defense Attorneys: Phoenix, Mia, Apollo, Athena, Marvin Grossberg, Diego Armando, Callisto Yew, Eddie Fender, Kristoph, Gregory Edgeworth, Robert Hammond, that victim from the fourth case of Investigations 2

That’s 12

Why does Japanifornia have a nearly identical ratio of magicians to attorneys?

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I’m high as balls rn and I’ve been trying for about twenty minutes to express the thought that I simultaneously think Athena is a lesbian, Apollo is gay, and yet I still think Justicykes is great and they should date

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We know Apollo loves to shout “I’M FINE” when he’s so clearly, very not fine. So it’s got me wondering what else he yells that he doesn’t actually believe to make himself believe it.

“I’M APOLLO JUSTICE AND I AM NOT GAY!”

“I’M APOLLO JUSTICE AND I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH KLAVIER GAVIN!”

“I’M APOLLO JUSTICE AND I DON’T SEE MR WRIGHT AS ANY SORT OF FATHER FIGURE I NEED APPROVAL FROM!”

Etc.

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Me and my sibling will never be able to play the original Ace Attorney games ever again. There’s too many bits now, we’d suffer from bit pileup and never get anything done.

Like how do you possibly progress through the first game at more than one text block an hour when you have jokes about how Mia died drunk and is a drunk ghost and how she’s complaining about her coma boyfriend, and how Gumshoe is god’s special boy and can see the future through prophesy because he’s the only good catholic left on earth, and how do you walk back from Franziska being terrified of scat singing and being unable to function she’s so gay?

How do you play a game and not have the entire cast of prosecutors in the gallery making snide comments about the trial? How do you not have Apollo and Trucy hiding under the defense’s bench drinking juice boxes and coloring while Phoenix and Athena, who is also not there, are trying to save an orca from the death penalty? I simply cannot go back.

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I was talking about Ace Attorney with my sibling, specifically about if any of the prosecutors would take the blame for a murder if someone they cared about was accused, and I said the following sentence which caused about two minutes of laughter:

“Gaspen Payne would throw a baby in front of a train to get a bagel.”

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terrible ace attorney headcanons from my playthrough with my brother part 2 because we just finished dual destinies

you may be thinking why the fuck is romein letouse here he was on screen for like 2 minutes? the answer is we hated turnabout serenade and needed to do a million bits to keep it enjoyable

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Let’s be clear, I don’t say “oh ja, untz untz look at mien penis” EVERY time, just a lot during Turnabout Serenade because it’s the worst case in the entire series and I hate it. And then it just became a thing that Klavier said because I said it like seventy times during that case

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my favorite thing that happened while playing dual destinies w my brother

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I have done nothing but critique this comic. The console on the couch is missing, I don’t wear zip up hoodies, my glasses are aviators, I have a glorious mustache, but the dialogue is very much accurate, it did happen exactly like that

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Very long running joke in me and my sibling's playthrough of Ace Attorney for Phoenix to say "[name of current assistant] get my gun" whenever he gets particularly annoyed at either a witness or that fucking bird chirping noise they love to put in the outdoor sections shows up (he does not own a gun).

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Everytime this quote shows up, I do this bit with my sibling where we do the “[name of character] told me that”, and then one day I ended it with “I read it on a fortune cookie!”

Then we played Investigations 2 and we had to incorporate Gregory into the bit, so we’ve decided he advertised by partnering with a Chinese takeout place near the office.

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Yesterday I made the horrible realization that my Manfred von Karma voice is like half a serious deep voice and half “Succulent Chinese Meal” guy impression

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"The Defense will please stop doing silly bullshit in my court."

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Picture if you will, breakfast at the Wright Anything Agency. Phoenix is in a frilly apron. He is making pancakes. Apollo and Trucy are being civil but Apollo is glaring at her because he knows she’s going to steal food off his plate the second he turns his head. Athena is using enough syrup to drown a small dog.

Now, please imagine the same scenario inexplicably happening at the Prosecutor’s Office.

Franziska is brandishing a whip because Blackquill is about to take the last waffle. There is a bird in Franziska’s hair ready to retaliate. Godot has seven empty mugs of coffee in front of him with two full pots and a French press. Winston Payne has set a waffle maker on fire. Klavier is trying to put out the fire with his jacket. Eustace Winner is crying because there is a pancake on his head. Nahyuta is eating a full English breakfast’s worth of bullshit, eyes wide with terror at the chaos while munching on a sausage. Miles Edgeworth has his eyes closed and is sipping tea, because if he can’t see the chaos it’s not happening. Kay Faraday is possibly repelling down from the ceiling to steal their butter.

Ema Skye and Dick Gumshoe are sitting in a squad car outside a Dunkin’ Donuts eating an entire dozen donuts. Ema is drinking a frappuccino spiked with vodka. Gumshoe is eating a pup-cup. Missile has a donut. Gumshoe has not realized the mistake and Ema is too hungover to give a shit.

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Working on some more of these, because it’s a great time killer while watching YouTube on my other monitor. Unfortunately the Pokédex is very incomplete, although it really didn’t matter much in this case because I think these are all pretty Trucy shaped Pokemon.

Yes, she should probably have a Hatenna, but guess what, I like Spoink. And I wasn’t not going to give her a unicorn pony. And she has to have a Pichu because Phoenix has to have a Pikachu. And Pidgey is like a dove, so that tracks. And I just like Ralts and Togetic.

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“IS THAT WEED?!”

“Jesus Christ Apollo, it’s a cigarette.”

Apollo is a good boy and took his D.A.R.E. Contract very seriously.

It’s probably a good thing he doesn’t know how the rest of the Wright Anything office spends Friday nights.