RIP

[therisingwitch-blog]

I know how much you always wanted flowers, so I finally got you some

You poor thing. You suffered so much only to die more than a couple of times. You were so stubborn that you just refused to stay dead, and as a result you caused a lot of trouble for me.

But that doesn’t mean that I hate you

You lived your life and fought bravely, and you handeled things the only way you knew how. What a person you were! You had so many dreams, fears, and secrets…some of which I might never really understand. There was so much that you still wanted to have and do…but the truth of the matter is that you did die, so now I have to say goodbye to you. I can’t let you haunt me with memories that aren’t my own. You understand why don’t you? I’ve been fighting for control for so long just so that I could win for the both of us. It’s about time that I did.

I finally laid you to rest… so rest well my darling. I’ll take care of everything else, that’s a promise.

[therisingwitch-blog]

Tomorrow I’ll know if I’ve been accepted

If not I can appeal like crazy, I’ll keep trying. Maybe I’d be less anxious if I had more than one person supporting me on this. My dad doesn’t even seem to care that I wanna try and go back to school. Whenever I do anything related to SCC I feel like I’m always doing it alone. PJ is in my corner of course, but he feels so far away…probably now more than ever. Soon he’ll be doing his own thing and I know I can’t keep running to him like some kid who just scraped her knee. I feel like such a clingy friend sometimes.

Everyday is a struggle for comfort

I can’t get a moment of peace in what’s suppose to be my own home. If I need some time to myself I have to leave the house, which sucks because I hate leaving Kona alone with my mother. I know cant keep living like this. I think the only time where I’ve been truly happy since coming back here was whenever I would visit the Brentwood campus. I feel like such a horrible daughter for admitting it too… I should be happy to be around my family but all I can do is sit here with my emotional outbursts. My depression is flaring up again and I don’t think it’s hormones. Ever since I got here I’ve been trying to keep a positive attitude, but this weekend I just broke.

It’s hard to bounce back from a depressive episode, especially when you left proof of it on your body. I used to be so much stronger than this when I was younger, it’d be so easy to see colors when the world appeared black and white. Now everything hurts me and just keeps hurting. I’m feeling sorry for myself, I know that. I’m in such a shitty situation and all I can do is think negatively about the outcome. Maybe this is good practice though, to become the person that I’m meant to be. No matter how bad things get or how sick I feel, I need to keep smiling like it’s nothing. I need to seriously believe that I’m going to get out of this place.

Maybe I’ll try watching some distorted bass meme videos or twenty of those goalcast clips. Those always cheer me up. It’s hard to remember what makes you feel joy when everything around you sucks… it’s not impossible though.

6|25|18

[therisingwitch-blog]

I forgot how much of a rush it was to run away from this house

All the tears, All the cuts, All the anger, All the sadness, All the hopelessness, All the hatred, All the scars, All the blood, All the whimpers, All the screams, All the thoughts, Each and every nightmare... is his now.

Those things no longer belong to me

I gave it back to you. Not as a curse, but as something that I simply could not hold onto anymore.

[therisingwitch-blog]

“You could have just left me alone”

I found a sentence that sums up everything and now I can’t get it out of my head. Just seven short words, but the meaning behind them makes me wanna either puke or cry. Maybe I’m putting too much importance on this whole thing or I’m crazy… but to me It’s tragically ironic. I never sought him out, I never chased him down to be a part of my life, and even in the very beginning I hesitated to let him in. I can’t help but think that maybe if I hadn’t been so trusting or lovestruck… it’s possible that I wouldn’t have this distorted image of myself now. He wouldn’t have ruined me the way he did.

He’s like an actual disease

One that I’ve been fighting since last year, one that almost killed me and put me in the hospital. Everyone I know says that I’m strong enough to fight this but when I’m at my weakest it’s like the thoughts get stronger and so does he. I constantly have to reassure myself that I’m not rotten on the inside, I lose sleep because my nightmares cause me to wake up crying, and when I look at myself in the mirror all I see are more ugly thoughts all over my body: “you slashed your wrist last summer because you couldn’t deal with losing him, but we’re not gonna think about that right now because the thought of having someone’s memory branded into your skin will drive you crazy”

Even though it’s too late for that yeah?

‘Crazy’…I heard that word way too much growing up, and I still hate it. It seems like everyone I cared most about went ‘crazy’. Did Sharooz make me crazy too? If I’m being honest…He didn’t. He just made me worse. I gave my entire existence to Mark and he mentally abused me for three years. I was never the same after that. That’s where all my jealousy and obsessiveness came from. If anyone made me ‘crazy’, that guy did it first. What Dani did was break me to the point where I couldn’t put back the pieces.

Why was I so unlovable… was I and am I still too messed up of a person to love? Is it that hard? Was it always that hard? It shouldn’t matter. All my logic says that two people out of a billion shouldn’t have this much of an impact on my psyche. Yet here I am in this weakened state. If I could make the nightmares stop I would, if I could get rid of the scars on my wrist and ankle I would too… but I can’t. It sounds so stupid saying it out loud, but I hate myself even more for feeling the way I do.

6|24|18

[therisingwitch-blog]

I survived yesterday with only a couple of scratches

And thankfully, I don’t feel like stabbing myself with salon scissors anymore.

Mental illness is such a trip

I’m thankful that I don’t have anything too debilitating like bipolar disorder, going from being perfectly fine to wanting to die is a scary thing. Though I do have to wonder what could be wrong with me...When I was a teenager I’d get mood swings and I’d cry, but I never wanted to hurt myself. Obviously I’m still depressed, but the extreme PMS didn’t start until maybe two months ago. Maybe it’s just stress, I’ve gone through a lot of heavy stuff recently. Whelp. It’s safe to say that if I ever decide to give birth there’s a 99% chance that I might actually kill myself. Post pardom depression is no joke and if this is how I get on period hormones, just imagine pregnancy hormones. Nah. I’ll stick with my adopted children and cats.

Am I frustrated? Yes. Do I still have lingering pain from everything that happened? Of course. Do I wanna kill myself? No. I can’t die now. I’m not busy enough to die yet. Besides, how can I die when I just made a new friend/gym buddy on the island? If I’m gonna die I should at least die a size five. Even then, I think I’d be too pretty to kill myself.

6|23|18

[faisaljalomair-deactivated20221]

[therisingwitch-blog]

[therisingwitch-blog]

Everyone else:

Cramps, bloating, & munchies

Me: Suicidal thoughts

I know it isn’t me. I know that I don’t really want to kill my self again, but my hormones are all out of whack and it can really feel like I’m back in that dark place.

Periods suck

I wish I could say that the worst thing about it is the bleeding, but it’s not. I cried a total of six times today while beating myself up for not killing myself last year. I’m too far gone in these emotions and there’s nothing that can make it better. I don’t wanna eat anything or do anything besides cry and possibly cut. I should probably take my remaining anti depressants, or maybe I just need to sleep it off. I worked out today but that didn’t seem to help much. All I can do is cry and remember everything that I constantly wish I could forget.

I had this thought... that maybe I’d be more loved in death. If I killed myself last year I would have died as someone people could feel sympathy for. Everyday he promised he’d get me flowers, but he never did. If I died last year I’d finally have one or two from him. I would have died loved... my memory wouldn’t have been an ugly one. I’m no good now. It’s what I always feel in when I’m not awake. But...This isn’t me, this is just the aspect of myself that I try so hard everyday to suppress. This isn’t me. I have to keep telling myself that.

Daniel, if you’re somewhere out there reading this... I’m sorry, but I broke my promise.

6|22|18

[xavir-blog]

Visit Original Link

[therisingwitch-blog]

[therisingwitch-blog]

I don’t want to ‘save’ anyone or be ‘saved’

Can’t people just make relationships happen based on who they are and not how others make them feel? I don’t want to point any fingers and for all I know I actually might not be... So what’s this really about? Maybe I am absolutely terrified of the idea of a relationship. It’s all because I used to be one of those ‘save me’ types. I let someone else fill the void in my heart time after time even if it ruined me. I think that’s why the whole thing drove me mad, I didn’t have anything of my own. When whomever left, they left with everything that I was.

I don’t want someone to have that kind of power over me ever again

I don’t want to dote on anyone or even let anybody in. I like being on my own… I like having control over my emotions. I don’t like the idea of someone holding me hostage. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than lose control. “But Kelly why can’t you just experience love like a normal person?”

I don’t know.

With Daniel I thought that I actually could, but now that I’ve given the situation some time… I’m afraid to admit that maybe he actually was a crutch. Maybe I still don’t know how to love anyone… But none of that is really important is it? I’m just being salty and self pitying. Some over thinking might be going on too.

Let’s focus on trying to love and save myself

Nobody is gonna help me get out of this house besides me. Every time I go to bed I feel like things are crawling on me. For the past two weeks thought I was just imagining it, until I saw a huge roach in my sheets no less than five minutes ago. I think it even bit me.

Let’s see, all my clothes along with everything that I enjoy is locked in a closet, I share a room with my parents, roaches crawl on me while I’m in bed, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells everytime I wanna watch something on my computer, my things get smeared with food and moved around without my knowledge, I’m forcibly awoken by cussing at five or six in the morning everyday, I worry for the safety of my cat everytime I leave the house, aaaand the ex who traumatized me lives down the god damn street. I’m stressed out.

I don’t think I can or even want to get comfortable here. Hopefully bank mobile can resend that check for $1000 that I never received, the sooner I can get the hell out of here the better. I made some progress with finding a housemate, now all I need is a job to pay my share of the rent along with everything else. The hiring manager at Starbucks said he’d call me yesterday and he never did. So guess what I’m doing? I’m gonna call him back today AND I’m gonna keep applying to places until someone comes to their senses. I can’t feel sorry for myself right now. The pain of living here should motivate me to want me to escape even more. The only thing I worry about once I start working is Kona. I don’t trust him being alone all day in the house with my mother. I’ll pray that I can get my hands on that check by the time that I have a steady income and when George finishes saving. I can do this.

6|22|18

[therisingwitch-blog]

“On Sofia Coppola’s 16th birthday, way back in 1987, I stole a lip gloss from her Sistine Chapel of a bedroom. Years later, I left a Chanel lip gloss in the reception of the Mercer Hotel for her. You know why? I believe that you’ve got to fix your karma.”

- Courtney Love

Today I apologized to Yasmin for what I said to her over the phone a month ago. Darrel was right, that girl did nothing to me. At the time she was just another target for my anger, along with Dani Mitchel, Eli, Tyler, Andrew, Paige, savanna…mkay there was a ton of people you get the point. My path of bitterness and self destruction is over. All I want to do now is heal. Truly. I’m willing to go to any length to be at peace with myself and with my past, it’s the only thing I can do.

Hurt people hurt people

People are seldom bitches because it’s in their DNA, when people suck it’s usually because something or someone hurt them. I used to wish death on Angie and her sister, at one point I even came close to hiring a guy to do something to one of them, but now I don’t feel that hostility. I actually feel sorry for them, because now I know how they felt. When you have so much pent up anger and frustration, the first thing you wanna do is find someone to take it out on. When you hurt inside, you’ll find any excuse to cause hurt to others if you think they “deserve it”. The truth is that none of us are the judge and jury. Nobody on this earth is in any position to strike anyone else down because of what they’ve done. That’s what karma is for. Even if you think you’re on the right side: you aren’t. Not as long as you’re still putting negativity into the world.

Grudges rot your soul to the bone, and they eat up all the goodness that you still have left in you

I’m done letting mine eat me, I’m done being this monster that my enemies created, I’m done letting anger rule over my life, and most importantly: I’m done feeling sorry for myself.

It’s time to lead with strength and kindness.

6|20|18

[therisingwitch-blog]

I’m a vampire without all the perks

It’s 1:40am and I’m awake. I don’t want to be awake.

I would be asleep if it weren’t for my dad coming back into the room to get ready to do everything he tells me not to. Y’know, like binge drinking alone at a club and coming back home at something o’clock in the morning. Apparently when he does it it’s okay… when I do it it automatically means I wanna kill myself. Go figure.

I’ll admit, I haven’t been out partying on a Saturday night since earlier last year, so I can’t exactly say that I miss Saturday nights in Pittsburgh. But my Saturday nights were definitely more peaceful than this. Instead of relaxing in front of my laptop with some beta bites, I had to run upstairs to get my mother a shirt so she wouldn’t expose herself to anyone in our neighborhood. Then I spent an hour trying to calm her down while hoping that she eventually would, and she did… until now.

Yup

This is my life. Sleeping has literally become the best part of my day. Being here is emotionally exhausting. At least in Pittsburgh I had friends to socialize with here and there, there’s nobody to hang out or do stuff with in New York. The only person I know in this misrable place is down that street… and literally the reason why I wanted to kill myself. Twice. It sounds so dumb when I admit it. I tried to end my life over some guy who treated me like nothing. Maybe that’s why my brain keeps haunting me with these nightmares. He was literal trauma.

I wanna cry, but my body won’t let me

I already cried all my tears earlier this week, there’s no point in doing it again. Still, I can’t help but think… when is it going to get better? And how? This entire week I over ate and scratched my legs until I stained my duvet with blood. There’s no privacy or comfort… some of my things were covered in roaches… This is not the place I wanna be right now. Especially not with that mess living down the street.

Last year as well as this year I scratched two boys until I drew blood. Scratching myself until I bleed usually means that I’m anxious or in emotional distress… but scratching someone else like that? Most guys (like Rob) find it kinky, but I see it as being more of a psychological thing. Both people I scratched were emotionality unavailable, so in the back of my mind, I think I took out all my rage and sadness on them knowing that they couldn’t be there for me in a different way. Deep down I just wanted someone to want me. Weirdly enough, I never scratched Dani when we hooked up last year. Of all people too… He should’ve been the one I went to town on. Last year all I wanted was to fix our broken connection and make him feel something for me again.

But maybe it’s not about a lacking connection… maybe it’s just pented up anger

Deep down I needed someone to take it out on, someone that didn’t or shouldn’t have mattered to me. “If you can’t love me, you might as well be my punching bag”.

Mystery solved. I need therapy. Tons of it.

I’m done with hook ups and relationships until I either move out of this place or find the will to let someone actually get to know me. I’m actually kind of proud of myself, I made some huge strides in character development recently. All my life and especially last year, I desperately wanted to be loved. Now all I want is a life where I can be happy all on my own. It’s all I care about and dream about.

I used to go to bed dreaming of the one I loved… now I dream of shopping for a new apartment with an insanely flexible budget.

6|16|18

[aurumnorthwood]

Visit Original Link

[therisingwitch-blog]

“Oh lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood”

[therisingwitch-blog]

I’ve dabbled in being a bitch

I was so tired of being the victim that I became the villain. I went from taking abuse to dishing it out like it was nothing. Since nobody played fair with me, I made it a point to hit below the belt whenever I could. If I wasn’t feeling suicidal, I’d be angry at the world. Everyone pinned me as the bad guy, so I became the bad guy that they relentlessly sought out.

I let my sadness, fear, and anger pilot my emotional responses

You know that saying? “You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar?”. I think that applies to how you run your life too, rather than just how to deal with other people. Karma is a funny thing. If you go through life angry and vengeful, you’ll meet a lot of resistance from the universe. I think that was my problem… and also the reason why these nightmares haven’t stopped. There’s still so much anger and sadness left in my heart. But that’s all in the past isn’t it? Nobody can hurt me now except myself.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die”

In truth: I haven’t let any of it go. If what happened can still make me cry or get angry, can I really say that I’ve moved on? It annoys me to hear my mother talking about her ex lover day in and day out like a broken record. Ever since I came back home it’s been driving me insane. Why? Because thats me…but at the same time: I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want someone who’s done me wrong to keep haunting my subconscious just because I can’t get over the hurt. I need to forgive everyone that’s done me wrong, even if I never received an apology. It’s gonna be hard, but it’s something I need to do now more than ever, because now I actually have something to lose. I made a deal with god kinda. I felt like it was fate for me to come back here… and how the recent good news I got seemed too good to be true. I’m so used to everything going wrong that I’m terrified to get my hopes up only to be let down again. So I made a deal: if it’s truly my fate to be here and start over, starting today I’ll give up all my vengeful thinking and hatred.

I’ll be a better person who’s worthy of blessings from the universe

6|15|18

[therisingwitch-blog]

Am I still being punished?

If there is a god is he just sitting up there and laughing at me?

I’m getting bad again

I wanted to cut earlier today but I couldn’t do it. I actually stopped and thought about it for once. “What would a couple of more scars do for me?” Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I did something I wasn’t suppose to… and now I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to die or just not exist for a couple of weeks. I want to sleep forever. What if I made a mistake? What if coming back here was a mistake? I’m obviously not ready. I’m terrified and trapped.

What if I die here?

What if I don’t die here?

It’s hard to think rationally right now. It’s hard to see anything in your minds eye when your go-to coping mechanism is imagining yourself taking a knife and slicing your arms open, because you’d rather not deal with the pain.

I feel like I can’t breathe

Everything makes me either violently angry or sad. I feel like I’m losing my mind. When my emotions get out of control I fantasize about hurting others or myself. Earlier today some dude in a car slowed down and tried to either cat call me or buy me. Never in my life have I wanted to knife someone so bad. It’s like somebody ripped off all my skin so that only my fleshy parts were exposed, and every single fucking thing about this place constantly jabs at me as I’m trying to catch a break. The pain is ten times as bad. It can drive you crazy. If I don’t end up killing myself if things get worse… I’m afraid that I might take all of it out on someone else.

That’s not something a sane person does is it? Normal people don’t get crazy urges to stab losers who yell things at you from their car. If I wanna be a cop I can’t think like that, I’d be no better than the assholes out there who shoot black people for no reason. The only thing I can think of at this point is therapy. The truth is I’ve always felt this way… cat callers angered me ever since I was a teenager. Back then I just told them to fuck off, but now I fantasize about slashing their faces from inside their cars. It’s weird. It’s like I lost all my fear when it comes to being violent but none whatsoever when it comes to dealing with my life. I feel like my head is such a mess… I’m such a mess.

I need to be better and I can’t let this place get to me. Maybe god isn’t laughing at me… maybe I’m just being tested. If I were to die and go to hell, this situation would be my personal punishment. I’m suffering right now. But maybe I can get something out of all this suffering.

I’m close to the edge, but no matter how much I’m pushed, I can’t give in.

6|13|18

[therisingwitch-blog]

Reoccurring dreams happen so we can process trauma

If that’s the case then I’ve been ‘processing’ mine for over a year. You know what’s the worst thing about having a nightmare? The fact that sometimes it’s bad enough to be your waking reality. I still don’t understand why this is still happening… maybe I wasn’t ready to come back to New York after all.

In this one I took charge and made him listen to all the things he did wrong. I made him listen to my side of the story and then, I let him go. Not bad right?, Compared to previous versions of this nightmare. To anyone else this wouldn’t seem like a nightmare at all. But it was. The scariest part of that dream wasn’t anything that he said, but what I said. I told him I still loved him.

See, the thing about nightmares is that none of it reflects reality. So if that’s the case then why did I say that in my sleep? Do I still love him? Is that what all this is about? Every time I think I’m over him, these nightmares convince me that I’m not. What do you do when you desperately want to move on but your brain won’t let you? Do I still love him? When I think about him now, it isn’t anger or longing that I feel… it’s just fear with a touch of sadness.

If my sadness were a person he’d embody it

Here’s one thing I will admit: I’m afraid of him. I’m afraid of him because ever since these nightmares began, he’s become a symbol of pain in my life. I told myself that I wouldn’t let him stop me from living on the island again, but to be honest, if I saw him on the street I think I’d either cry or have a full on panick attack.

He didn’t used to be so scary, my nightmares just made him this way. My subconscious made him into this huge monster that I’m powerless against. Even though I seem to be fighting back in my sleep… it doesn’t help that I have to keep seeing him while feeling that pain over and over. It’s like someone put a curse on me or something. I was doing fine up until these nightmares started. I just want them to stop. I don’t want to end up like my mom...She claims that her ex boyfriend haunts her and tries to convince her that he’s a god. It’s been thirty years since she’s spoken to that man. I was there when it happened.

What can I do?

The only reality I control is the one where I’m not sleeping. I don’t think about him anymore, I don’t associate myself with any of our mutuals, and I don’t go out of my way to see what he’s up to. If I’m doing everything right then why is this still happening?

It all goes back to the stabbing nightmare. I think he has more control over how I feel than I do. If I had to say: My worst fear is seeing him in person and letting those sad feelings take over. In reality, I know I don’t have to react at all if I see him in person. My only fear is that I’ll lose my composure and control.

But they’re my feelings aren’t they?

I don’t have to feel a damn thing if I don’t want to. He isn’t a big bad boogie man, he’s just a guy. A real shitty one at that. He can do no harm to me while I’m awake. Who knows, Maybe these nightmares will go away on their own. I’m already seeing improvements. I just have to keep doing what I’m doing.

And I guess I need to figure out what I’m doing on this island in the first place.

6|13|18

[jason-bourne-again-christian]

Visit Original Link

[therisingwitch-blog]

“She’s not there”

[therisingwitch-blog]

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel alive

Today is my last day in Pittsburgh and my last day as an art student. I guess I should feel terrible right now since I’m basically a drop out…but I don’t. It’s funny, this entire time I told myself that I’d rather die than go back home, yet here I am doing it and actually being happy about it. I’m not entirely excited about living with my parents again, but at least i won’t have to wake up everyday to hating my own life. My new goal is to get my shit together as soon as possible so I can actually start living.

I decided to go Suffolk community for criminology, but I also wanna be a cop and get into the academy first. A huge mistake I made when going to AI was not fully understanding what being an animator meant on a day to day basis. At least at the academy I can get a taste of what life in the force is like. I know I’m a short girly girl who’s never been aquatinted with stuff like this, but I feel like this is something I need. I still meant what I said before: I want to erase every detail of the person I used to be. Maybe the old me wouldn’t ever dream of boot camp, but the new me is motivated and excited to do something important and hands on.

Part of figuring out who you are and where you fit in is doing things that you wouldn’t normally do

I watched this YouTube video about a motivational speaker talking about happiness and why so many people hate their lives. He brought up this one story about a woman who had a perfect job, lots of cash, and stunning looks, yet she took antidepressants on a daily basis. When he asked her why she disliked her life, she admitted that all she ever wanted was children and a husband. A husband wasn’t an easy find, so he jumped right into asking her how she felt about just adopting kids of her own. She said she wouldn’t dream of it because she wanted them to come from her. He asked her why that was and she replied, “If they’re mine they’ll love me genuinely and never leave me”. As soon as she said that, the speaker immediately knew what it was that would make her happy in life. He told her all that was missing was unconditional love.

Sometimes we only think that certain things will make us happy

We chase a dream hoping and praying that when we reach it, the happiness will follow. But sometimes it doesn’t, which can make you feel even more hopeless. The trick is asking yourself all the right questions to get to the bottom of your deepest desires. The reason why I wanted to be an animator was so that I could make a difference in the world. Watching cartoons growing up had such a huge impact on me, and I wanted to be one of those content creators who gave future kids something to smile about. It wasnt until recently that I finally figured it out. Maybe I don’t have to be an artist to make a difference or be happy. There’s a million other things out there that can give me that same end goal. Animation was just one of them, and it ended up not being for me. That’s okay.

I’ll keep trying until I find my place and my happiness. I’ll be honest with myself… and I’ll do it all with a smile this time. I owe that much to the person I see in the mirror every day.

6|8|18