mel(odie)

“But courage, child: we are all between the paws of the true Aslan.” C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle

[therollingmelon]

Lost in translation

It's been a trying week in particular. Fittingly caps off a whirlwind month. And of course the moment I stop to think what is happening, the weight of the whole year knocks the air out of me. We could really keep going.. hang on I have to catch my breath.

In a daze tonight I decided watching Lost in Translation would be the right thing to do. Mood and all that. My first time.

I can't stop thinking about how much I relate to the characters. It's a whole buffet of things I've been through, things I dream about, indelible tensions that momentarily slow the world.. It's a deliciously-paced exploration of our need for human connection and how it happens in what forms.

As I'm trying to escape from my reality, I'm inadvertently hurled right back into it. There's the feeling of constantly feeling alien wherever I am, here. I don't know how much of that is imagined. Tonight someone said to me, "you just need to make more friends here". Among the many things I don't understand, this is high on that list: how do you find friends that you want to spend time with? It's more difficult than finding a romantic partner. I can count on 1.5 hands the number of people I would be completely happy going to dinner with.

I'm feeling particularly lonely because my beloved husband has been away for 5 days. It's a lot better with him around. But I'm taking this opportunity to just sit and wrestle with my real fears and feelings.

Also I just wanted to write. Writing is way more cathartic than numb browsing and flicking through a kaleidoscope of content. And... I do feel better in some weird way! Well off to bed then. Have a good night.

[therollingmelon]

The Gold Standard

I’ve started a food blog to try and sharpen up my writing and simultaneously offer a measured opinion to help people decide where to put their money. Having come across Jonathan Gold’s Pulitzer-winning pieces though, I feel incredibly stupid. I imagined good writing to be accurate in its description, comprehensive in perspective, and most chiefly requiring three sections to a sentence (lol). I thought I understood sentence cadence, alliteration, the odd metaphor here and there. Certainly knew not to begin too many thoughts with an “I”. And now I believe all these to be child’s play, wax crayon skid marks on the wall. Skreeee! Eeeee! 

As I rip up my digital scribbles and commit them to the flame, I would like to honour a man who sought to unite a city through his prose. This is from the New Yorker:

Gold wrote not so much in sentences and paragraphs as in litanies: cascades of facts, of visual and tactile sensations, of wild references that ricocheted from the toffee-nosed to the profane. His appreciation for a far-reaching yet staggeringly apt simile was, perhaps, one of the reasons he so deeply loved the athletic lyricism of rap—a Gold review is a complex flow that would do his old friend Dr. Dre proud. In that same Pulitzer-winning piece, a novella-length paean to Los Angeles’s wealth of food cooked over an open flame, he described a cook who “works his bank of burners like Keith Emerson working the keyboards in a concert film”; picanha, a Brazilian cut of beef, “is like that caramelized strip of crusted steak fat devoured alone in your kitchen — oily and crunchy and salty and seasoned with flame, the crack cocaine of the meat world”; onion rings are “as golden as the bangles on a Brahmin woman’s arm”; the tandour at a Persian restaurant is “a spherical oven that looks like a giant, blue-tiled eyeball whose iris seethes with yellow flame.”

[therollingmelon]

I am an adult?

I'm not sure what I expected from my move, my marriage, my new job, my new friends.

Well I definitely thought I'd have more time to unwind given I have certain luxuries afforded to me. In reality.. It's probably equal to my friends in Singapore who can't afford help but can make it home for a TV dinner. I spend so much time in a car looking out. I've now decided to use that time to pray and do my reflections. Maybe this is some start.

I feel really stretched. I knew I'd have to learn a new language (and all the more as my colleagues speak 80% Bahasa - which I hadn't counted on!), but to also have to adjust to the uncertainties of day to day. Like figuring out food options or time to leave so we aren't caught in crazy traffic, or strategically plan which friends to spend time with, where to get STUFF. I can't even figure out where to get a cat, and don't get me started on my impossible search for envelopes (amplops).

Also back to the job thing. I feel like I'm doing a degree in business AND an MBA. The leaning curve is so steep and the terror of having to teach something I only just read about is crazy.

There's good things happening of course. I have nice lunch mates, neighbours, and great house help, car and driver. The job can also be seen as crazy awesome.. so much to explore. Weekends are wonderful cos it's just me and Toi at home cooking and watching tv, feeding ducks, looking for cats and exploring the estate. And hanging with new friends. Thankfully we've left the mall life behind us now that we have this gorgeous house.

It feels like home and that's wonderful. I just wonder when this will all start feeling more.. simple?

[therollingmelon]

#puppyconversations

Freshly disembarked from the plane and trudging to immigration at Changi.

Him: Look at the carpet!

Me: ... yeahhh what about it?

Him: There's so much of it! I wonder who won the tender for the carpet.

Me: ...

[therollingmelon]

#puppyconversations

Him: Wanna go to a nice Thai place for lunch?

Me: *cringes* Is it spicy?

Him: Er.. no?

Me: If it's not spicy, how can it be good?!

Him: ... that was a trick question!!

[therollingmelon]

Lake Morraine, Alberta, June 2017. Today I realised something pretty momentous: I can take on the lions any day. I fear no man. It's a big step knowing I used to be terribly anxious and afraid of hurting feelings and breaking bonds. I finally understand what someone told me, "not everyone needs to like you". I never thought I would even come close to this. Fearlessness.

[browndresswithwhitedots]

[therollingmelon]

Leadership is like parenting.

I'd very much like to think I've done something meaningful with my time as a manager. I hope I've not been too lax nor too strict. I hope I've imparted vision and direction. I definitely hope I've made mistakes and learnt from them.

I hope I'm not remembered as a manager but a leader. Not someone blustering along, but divisive in the pursuit of the better thing.

Would I be a good parent?

[therollingmelon]

T-15

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong I'll be satisfied if I play along But the voice inside sings a different song What is wrong with me? See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding But no one knows, how deep it goes And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me And let me know, what's beyond that line, will I cross that line? See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me And no one knows, how far it goes If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me One day I'll know, how far I'll go

[therollingmelon]

"I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds." Jeremiah 17:10 (ESV) Was this a test of the mind? Praise the Lord for He has given precisely what I earnestly sought. I am humbled and grateful for this anointing and blessing. To literally and figuratively see!

[therollingmelon]

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV) Please God. Please...

[therollingmelon]

It's strange to dream of a thing to happen, and actually dreaming of it, and for that thing to eventually happen. Such was the case for Canada and marrying Toi. I think with Toi I am only just coming to understand what I've done, what he has become. I am the wife of a brilliant CEO. The most brilliant I know, the most cuddly to exist. From that perspective it sure is weird that in spite of his 15-hr work day, I get 2 hours with this man to chat and ramble about my silly dreams last night. And I get to talk about feelings and food, my hair and the office cat. This when others try to squeeze in 15 minute slots whenever they can, I get this much privilege. What a wonderful feeling..

[therollingmelon]

How can music make one feel this way? At once I'm cruising through the Blue Mountains; spacey, wintry, awestruck and otherworldly. "We never learn, we been here before Why are we always stuck and running from The bullets? The bullets?" It's been so long since a piece actually moved me and transported me to a place of wanting to break free, and run and shout from the mountaintops. Incredible..

[therollingmelon]

Solitude

These days, I’m happy to go to work for the simple reason that that’s where my community is. My friends are just… not around and I find myself quite alone most of my free time. While Toi is in Jakarta on weekdays, I sometimes wonder what I will spend my time doing.

So I’ve been pretty productive, reading and getting real good at makeup things and planning for the wedding, for our trip to Canada, looking at the house in Jakarta, thinking about work, thinking about how to move my life and about a new community there.

I’ve gotten pretty keen on global affairs and most solo meals are spent being plugged into a Guardian podcast. But yet I miss my friends. And talking about silly things! And sharing food.

I have no lesson to share as a result of this. I am just wondering what this twinge signals, for surely things cannot remain as they were when we were 17?

Loneliness is a strange thing. Or is it that our feelings are more skewed in this mad digital haze?

[observando]

[therollingmelon]

I walked by a random florist in Jakarta and Toi stopped and gasped. "You don't see those in Singapore," he said.

I looked for a few seconds. And then it hit me that I was staring at the most beautiful roses - so heavy and thick with pretty petals. Layers upon hundreds of layers, it was like the most mesmerising maze.

I didn't know what roses were supposed to look like, and maybe I'm merely a step closer to finding out.

[therollingmelon]

Day 31 of being married to this man. What a joy it is to walk through life with him. A few more months till we are permanently on the same side of life.

[therollingmelon]

Posting my friend's cute cat photo cos I feel kinda out of it. Tired, stressed all day long and no break when I get home. Can't wait to move into my own place soon. Really don't feel like leaving my room for now though. Sleep and then jakarta bound to see my love.

[therollingmelon]

#myjakartajam

Starting a list of observations as a newcomer to the city.

- Indonesians don’t dye their hair as much as Singaporeans do. I’ve never felt so at home! It was a sea of perfectly glossy and curled black hair. - Which brings me to the large hairdos. Amazing. I wonder what led to the invention and popularity of the Sanggun? style. - Their clothes have structure and even in the malls people dress more formally than in SG. It is so refreshing to see beautiful fabrics that are cut nicely and not look crass. - Indonesians know how to do a good heel. A high, simple, elegant silhouette is something we don’t understand in SG where we have all manner of stumpy, blocky and unflattering heels. - The foreign cuisine is surprisingly so much better and cheaper than SG. We had amazing French, Italian, Japanese and even hipster brunch - all for under 30$ per pax each meal. Unbelievable. Juices, smoothies, teas and coconuts abound and are delicious. - Most cab rides cost less than $3 for an hour-long journey. YAAAAS. - Service attitudes are incredible. Maybe not the most well-trained, but service staff are super friendly and attentive. - The pollution is real. I am getting a mask for my next trip. - I wondered why there were SO many men loitering around random staircases at odd hours of the day and I realised they could be drivers? - Massages, blowouts, pedicures. Cheap and good. Enough said. - Imported goods are often pricier than in SG. Can’t have yoghurt without breaking the bank!