The Rose That Wilted

tumblr prose at it's finest an archive of my coping

[theroseswilted]

the candle is burning at both ends and the wick is running short.

[theroseswilted]

he rarely speaks plainly, nor is he particularly open, but in the late nights when he speaks to me in his prose and poems i can’t help but believe that he’s letting me peek through the curtains. even if it’s only a sliver

[theroseswilted]

i feel foolish

[theroseswilted]

i come home feeling emptier than before. tonight was the first time in awhile that i’ve felt so out of place. while not unwelcome, i did not belong.

i’m tired of being a good friend.. i’ve been too good of a friend and as always i am feeling the imbalance again. it weighs on me heavily again and you will never meet me half way even after all this time. when will it be my turn to be the one who leans. i cannot remain upright on my own for this long

i’m tired of always taking one for the team. i feel like i’m the only one who always gets the short end of the stick, but there’s no way to change that. i just have to say “whatever” and move on. there’s no point in dwelling on it, nothing’ll change anyways. it’s easier to be passive when others are so much more difficult, but i’m starting to feel the cost of this easy going-ness

i’m so tired

[theroseswilted]

it feels like all the effort i’m making is amounting to zero. i don’t know if i’d go as far as saying it feels like the walls are crumbling around me but it certainly feels close. i’m stagnate and i don’t even think it’s my fault. i’m doing everything i can to get out and i think i’m running out of options. i’ve exhausted all my resources and it feels like all i have to do now is get lucky and that’s absolutely not a strong suit

[theroseswilted]

becoming increasingly acutely aware how one sided this whole thing is becoming....

[theroseswilted]

even if you never say anything again, i’ll always at the very least say hello

[theroseswilted]

i'm scared

[theroseswilted]

it would be nice if you saw me like i see you

[theroseswilted]

i cried a lot the other day. it was a blend of reasons, but mainly i couldn’t stop thinking about the people around me and how much i love them.

i love noting things that remind me of them. i love being a strange amalgamation of their tendencies and inflections and writing. i love that these things let them be ever present no matter how far they are.

i fear the loss of these people i love. selfishly i hope they never leave me. i love to love so easily despite the risk and despite the cost.

perhaps i say “i love you” too easily, but in then end, to live is to love. i think it would be too lonely to let myself think otherwise again

[theroseswilted]

what can i even do

[theroseswilted]

i think deep down i always knew this about myself. i've just never had an external reaction to this kind of settling realization and acceptance. i feel sad for myself and the younger me who didn't know what this was but relieved that i am truly making the change. for myself. just for me.

[theroseswilted]

we used to write each other a lot. i think i loved you before i knew what that meant. even if it wasn’t technically anything, i’d like to believe there was some truth to it. our final words were bitter sweet but necessary. i wonder if you remember it the way i do- if you remember at all. i think i loved you before i knew what that meant.

[theroseswilted]

you cannot ask someone to lean on you and then not treat them gently

[theroseswilted]

i wrote a song about a tree. a tree i would sit with almost 15 years ago. i doubt the memory of me lingers with them the way they do with me

[theroseswilted]

i went to the ocean properly for the first time in several years and i cried immediately upon arrival. it was high tide and the water roared as it brushed into the cliff side. it ebbed and flowed as it always does and gave me a release i didn’t know i needed.

i miss this home and i’m tired of telling myself that i don’t. i’m tired of the conversations with my mom and her telling me she doesn’t miss it here, but i still have a life here. i’m not where i thought i’d be now and i’m tired. i want to go home but i don’t know where it is anymore. it’s not the address on my license, but it’s too hard to come back here. at least right now..

i’m tired

[theroseswilted]

somehow i found myself deep within a forgotten rabbit hole.. it's been 11 years. tonight i wonder if they randomly remember me after so many years just as i have. even if i were able to find them again would they remember me? so much time has past and we are different people now- literally and figuratively.

a part of me wants to search for them. send a message and say hello because i am thinking of them... i was so young and foolish then and perhaps their memories of me are not as fond as my memories are of them.