[bandlyriceditsssss]

it’s too much by moose blood

[writing-you-a-love-poem]

Constantly torn between wanting to feel things and wanting it all to stop.

[iwanttobeokk-deactivated2021042]

[localcraigslist]

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

12:39 AM 7/30

I’m so fucking happy Declan is going to be living with me now. Getting to see my bambino everyday? Fuck, heaven on earth.

Just, I’m worried days where I’m not myself Declan’s not going to know what to do or feel pushed away. There’s still things he hasn’t seen about me. Things I’m hiding in the house that Only Logan & I know about. If I’m having themost shit day and I’m just angry, Declan won’t know. If I have my pTsd act up, he won’t know what to do again.

He’ll learn. Just...please don’t be afraid of me. Don’t let this push you away from me. This is me and the demons that I live with and if we are a forever, you’ll have to understand me or just be my comfort. Please

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

8:11 AM 7/25

Declan’s acting weird with me. One worded responses. I don’t understand what’s going on. Feels like he’s not .. trying?

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

12:35 PM 7/23

Feeling terrified of everything is pissing me off. So fucking corny - I just want to feel right again. Don’t want to worry about a fucking thing anymore.

I want someone to understand what I’m fucking dealing with and not see me as a burden

[deary0uth-deactivated20200607]

The Never Ending Story/ Stick To Your Guns

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

1:58 AM 7/21

My ptsd is fuckin with me. I keep getting flashbacks of gun fights. Flashbacks of times I almost died. Flashbacks of when I’ve slaughtered men. The flashbacks turn into nightmares of my pa coming after me. I have nightmares of rival leaders putting hits on Declan and my family.

I can’t fucking take this anymore, I can’t live sober anymore. No drugs is fucking my system up and I can’t sleep. My mind is melting I need them

[gothshawty]

get a boy who understands how mentally fucked you are and still wants to be your boy

[hyunmuti]

eternally yours - motionless in white

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

1:41 PM 7/8

Well I feel like fucking shit. How do I answer that without sounding like I’m being sensitive or insensitive? I don’t know much about Declan’s family and a bomb was just dropped and I feel like shit for bringing up something I thought was funny/weird to talk about

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

5:50 PM 6/30

Declan and I head to Italy this week. I’m taking him home and honestly I’m nervous. He’s going to see a side of me no one has seen. He’s going to see the security and he’s going to see how people in my town react to the name Angelucci. It’s going to be pretty wild but...I’m looking forward to introducing him to ma.

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

2:37 AM 6/26

I was three weeks sober.

I was.

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

8:23 PM 6/21

Trouble yesterday night at the shop. Drunk man came in caused a scene. I tell him to leave, he got hostile and punched me so I beat the shit out of him. I told Declan and he’s been giving me one worded repsonses. It’s different from him.

Did I do something wrong...?

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

7:15 PM 6/14

First day of my counseling and all my fucking counselor talked about was my past. I want to talk about now. “Sounds like your family has really impacted you” like no fucking shit. However she gave me excersises to forgive myself. She told me it would probably make me mad and it’s a process. I’m fucking pissed I don’t want to but..I’m working on this. - I want him and he’s going to get the best me.

[these-tattooed-nightmares]

3:55 PM 6/11

I signed myself up for counseling. I told Declan I’m improving myself and honestly it’s all for him - I told him I signed up. I’ll be going every Thursday. I just didn’t tell him it’s also a drug counselor but I’ll get there.