The Shame Garden

what you do when no one's looking...

[theshamegarden]

[theshamegarden]

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I order items for delivery via Amazon.ca to my office in the Federal Government with items including (but not limited to): 2 can openers, dozens of tuna cans, 1.5 litres of listerine, and Gold Bond foot powder.

[theshamegarden]

Things I used to hump, v.3

My duffle bag.

[theshamegarden]

One of my co workers had ordered some promotional material for a project he is working on.  He obsessively counted the items and would limit the amount given out, or that other staff could have.  He was so obsessed that he actually kept track of who had received what.  Let me paint the picture a bit, this promotional material wasn't expensive things, I'm talking buttons and pens.  One day he left and  his office was open, I snuck in and stole one item! 

 Sylvie

[theshamegarden]

I live in a rural community with not much to do at night.  My apartment is near the local watering hole and to entertain myself I have some fun messing with the drunks with my laser pointer.  I set goals for myself, such as, can I get someone to fall down, how far will they follow the laser etc.  It has provided hours of entertainment, and I think sobers people up a bit. ~ Kenny

[theshamegarden]

I spent two days researching the perfect Skyrim husband.

[shortshamefulconfession]

Short Shameful Confession isn’t anonymous enough for me to post my truly shameful confessions.

[theshamegarden]

This is what #theshamegarden is for!

[theshamegarden]

Things I used to hump, v.2

A ball of socks.

[theshamegarden]

Massive bag of human shit...

I had taken my dogs to a dog beach after downing an extra large Tim Hortons coffee. There was no one there, just me and my dogs. I needed to poop so badly that I was prairie dogging it. With no proper facilities, I quickly and urgently entered the woods (let's preface that with the fact it was a sparsely wooded area). I didn't have time to dig a hole. I squatted and passed the largest bowel movement in the history of my being. There weren't any leaves and nothing to wipe with, so I grabbed a doggie doo doo bag and cleaned myself up. I then used a second bag to pick up my poop and throw in the bear proof garbage bins.

[theshamegarden]

Things I used to hump, v. 1

My old Fluppy Dog blanket. When I was a kid, I used to get off by humping my Fluppy Dog blanket. I would take my pants off to do the humping. After several sessions, it became a tad funky. The best part is, I'd find something else to hump until it aired out (instead of just putting it in the wash).

[frostyginger-deactivated2018110]

All these posts about breadsticks make me laugh and cringe because:

When I was 15 I was on a trip with Ag studies group we went to an Olive Garden, I had never been to an Olive Garden before and I am a great bread enthusiast so when the waitress put this basket of delicious-sticks in front of me I was like ‘holy shit’ and ate like 10. I started shoving them into my purse to save for later, and the waitress had to keep bringing baskets of breadsticks because they were disappearing (into my purse). There were a lot of guys on that trip and I figured ‘yeah these teenage dudes could be in theory eating all these breadsticks’ so I thought I had a bulletproof cover.

Fast forward to when we are leaving, I get stopped by the manager and the hostess and they ask to look in my purse. Cue my ‘oh shit busted’ face and a grudging handing over of my bulging purse, to which they opened and started pulling out an obscene amount of breadsticks and laying them on the counter while the hostess counted them. I actually had no idea how many breadsticks I’d had in there and when the hostess got up to 40 I was still convinced I was going to jail but oh my god I had 40 breadsticks in there so I was kind of impressed with myself. The hostess kept counting.

Forty. Seven. 

Forty seven breadsticks was the total they found. (I had another two very squished and folded up in a zipped side pocket that they never looked in). They then took my picture and politely asked me to stay the fuck away from their restaurant as my picture would be posted on their ‘restricted list. To this day, 6 fucking years later, I have never gone back to any Olive Garden, because some part of me believes that some eagle eyed waitress will recognize me from a wanted poster for the Breadstick Bandit and I’ll have to explain to my mom why Olive Garden put me in prison

[theshamegarden]

[theshamegarden]

Bieber Fever

My mom got Twitter so she could tweet encouragement to Justin Bieber.

[theshamegarden]

Tender Meat

I used a friend's steak knife to lance a blister on my foot. I quickly rinsed it before putting it away again.

[theshamegarden]

I was sleeping over at a friend's house and woke up in the night to pee. I wandered through the hall and into the bathroom in the dark then pulled down my pants to pee. By the time I realized I had peed on the toilet lid and onto the floor, it was too late. Not knowing what else to do, I used my friend's shower towels to wipe up the mess and then hung them back on the door.

Olivia L.

[theshamegarden]

When I was 6, I had a doll that would cry whenever it wanted to (all the time). One day at dinner, it started to cry. It cried for our entire meal. I was so annoyed that as soon as dinner ended, I grabbed some scissors, went to my room, opened the back and cut all of the cords. It never cried again.

[theshamegarden]

I relish the fruitful squeeze and pop of an armpit pimple.