I'm going to shout into the void and tag this post properly because I feel so emotionally heavy the words can't come out in real life outside of doctor's visits.
This is how many pills I take a day, some of them twice. My doctors have told me that I've tried just about everything I can, nothing has worked. I have been a fighter my whole life, but I'm running on the last dregs of fumes.
I recently turned 25 years old. I have nothing to show after a third of my lifetime, besides who I have grown to be as a person. I try to recognize the many external factors beyond my control that have caused this, and how I've managed to fight keep going through adversity, but even thinking positively is beginning to hurt because I feel like a victim of chance, time and time again. It is hard when you finally realize that you've been in a serious, persistent depressive state since you were a young child--much too young.
Recently, I was accepted for experimental treatment at one of the top neuropsychiatric institutes in the United States. The head the program decided to take me as his patient after reading my case file, and his sense of urgency has finally put to rest the guilt and negative skepticism that I had been exaggerating my health concerns due to mental weakness.
They are going to try a relatively new form of electroshock therapy on me. It's highly effective but it's likely to have some effects on my personality. I've made peace with that, medications have already kept me alive but changed my temperament in ways where I no longer recognize some of my emotions and behaviors. I've lost a lot of friends because of it, but it's the price to pay for giving it all you got to try to get better. If you're reading this and you resonate with any of these things in some way, please do not interpret this as something to instill fear and caution you against trying these things.
Above all, know this: they are worth it. You are worth it to keep trying, and you can make it through even if there are parts of you that you can't feel or recognize. You can relearn those parts, and make something new from them once you have the room to breath. Those that care most for you will stand by you, and will place patience and empathy over any resentment they may feel. I am trying to forgive myself for my inactions and neglectfulness, and my erratic behavior since I started serious treatment the past half year. I'd be lying if I didnt say that trying to separate my behavior and thoughts from myself has been easy due to empowerment. I can barely feel a 'me' inside of my flesh anymore.
Grappling with my struggles to function and the disrespect and judgement I've received as a byproduct of it all has ruined my self worth. I need to get off my chest that for the first time in my life, I do not like myself. I've been told to kill myself, I've been called a sociopath and manipulative, and a liar. when you are expected as a young man to be steadfast, strong, and self-sufficient. A friend pointed out to me that I was experiencing gender discrimination and it blew my mind. Being a white dude is like a lottery ticket to typically get what you want when you want it. Young men aren't supposed to be sick, fearful, or emotionally overwhelmed. I see why the suicide rate of males is so high now. Neither men nor women respect you when you are a young man in that position. You are dismissed and given no respect (a statement my roommates have enjoyed reminding me they have none of for me). I'm so sorry to anyone of any gender that's experienced the power dynamics of sexism.
I'm having trouble piecing together sentences and I'm sure this is way too long, but I need to get the last thing off my chest, even though I don't have the energy to elaborate on it.
Every day I wake up and fear for my future
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