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[thespoonfeednews]

Charlottesville Protestor Who Chanted “Jews Will Not Replace Us” Accuses Omar of Anti-Semitism

Richmond, VA - A self-described White supremacist who marched on Charlottesville in 2017 has formally condemned House Representative Ilhan Omar, calling her anti-semitic.

Robert Bland, a 17-year member of the National Socialist Movement’s Richmond, VA chapter, has come forward to denounce Rep. Omar in the wake of her recent feud with President Donald Trump. Bland had marched back in August 17 during the now infamous Unite The Right rally, tiki torch in hand, to promote the eugenic ideals of his organization, alongside representatives of the Ku Klux Klan and other sister clubs. He says he finds Omar’s criticism of Israel to be “deeply concerning for our Jewish brothers and sisters.”

“That Muslim bitch can’t just go around treating Jews like they’re rats in the street,” says Bland “I mean… yes, Jews are like rats in the street… and I’ve been pushing for a Jewish cleansing… but... it’s only ok when we say it!”

Bland is only one of many self-described Nazis who are suddenly offended by criticisms of Jews, even though Omar literally never criticized the Jewish people.

[thespoonfeednews]

Ted Cruz Seen Eating Lunch Alone In Senate Cafeteria

Washington, DC - During a break from the Senate Confirmation Hearings of Judge Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Ted Cruz was seen eating by himself while the rest of the committee ate together, Republicans and Democrats alike.

Sporting a peanut butter jelly sandwich with the crust cut off, Cruz sat in silence, occasionally reaching for the cherry blast Capri-Sun his wife had packed for him.

“It’s not like he’s not invited,” says Senator and Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley. “I just think everyone, Ted included, knows it’s better off with him just kind of… to the side, you know?”

Cruz was overjoyed towards the end of the lunch break, when he discovered his wife, Holly, had packed him four Oreos instead of the usual three.

[thespoonfeednews]

Nike Takes Over Production Of Red MAGA Hats

Beaverton, OR - Following the backlash of naming Colin Kaepernick the face of Just Do It, athletics brand Nike has become the sole manufacturer of the iconic red Make America Great Again hats, leaving the country scratching their heads.

Less than a week ago, Nike backed Kaepernick and his revolutionary protest of kneeling during the national anthem at the beginning of NFL games. The move drew harsh criticism across the country, with thousands of white people burning, destroying, and boycotting Nike products. This makes their latest acquisition, sole manufacturing rights of red MAGA hats, surprising, as the only people who would buy these hats are also the people who have sworn off Nike products.

“I’m torn,” says Bill Jameson, a plumber from Michigan. “I don’t approve of Kaepernick’s movement at all; I love this country. And Nike is a disgrace for supporting his cause… but the new hats are probably great quality, so I might get one.”

Following the success of pre-orders, Nike will be looking into obtaining the rights to Nazi flags, Klan robes, and outright acquiring New Balance as a whole.

[thespoonfeednews]

Lebron James Taking His Talent To The Kentucky Derby

Louisville, KY - In another effort to challenge himself, basketball superstar Lebron James has decided to throw his hat into the ring of top tier horse racing.

Revealed in a press release issued by the Cleveland Cavaliers this morning, James will not be playing in game 3 against the Toronto Raptors and instead will be running in the Kentucky Derby. The 3-time NBA champion spoke to reporters and expressed confidence in his decision:

“I’m in it to win it,” says James. “I wouldn’t compete if I didn’t think I could succeed. Some people think trying to outrun a dozen horses is hopeless. Those people have never seen me ball.”

In other news, the entire city of Cleveland has sold out of pitchforks and torches.

[thespoonfeednews]

To Catch A Predator Reboot: Suspects Will Answer Trivia Questions For Freedom

New York, NY - After over a decade since its ending, To Catch A Predator is coming back to TV with a twist: perps will have the chance to earn the slip through a series of trivia questions.

NBC has decided to reboot the popular Dateline special which showcased catching to-be sexual predators in the act of attempting to court young children. This time around, the suspects will be walking onto a game show set complete with live audience. Successfully answer five multiple choice trivia questions, and they’re free to go. Fail and they’ll be catching a ride out in a squad car. Chris Hansen will be returning to his role as host.

“I’m very excited to bring back and spice up this series” says Hansen. “The topics will range from sports to pop culture to history to geography- the kind of questions you’d see on Cash Cab or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We’re also giving them two lifelines: 50/50 and poll the audience. The police won’t let them phone a friend; we sure did try to get that though!”

Critics of the reboot call the concept “reckless” and “irresponsible.” NBC stands by their new program calling it “good, quality television for the whole family.”

[thespoonfeednews]

Fox and Friends Wondering If They Made A Huge Mistake

New York, NY - Following an on-air tirade by President Donald Trump on their program, Fox and Friends finds themselves with a serious case of buyer’s remorse.

President Trump’s interview was sporadic, jumping from topics like Melania’s birthday to French President Emmanuel Macron to the Iran Nuclear Deal in a matter of 23 seconds. The dementia alluded ramblings horrified viewers for 30 minutes, all the while the hosts of Fox and Friends were forced to sit and reflect on the monster they helped create.

“How could we have let this happen,” said host Tucker Carlson, sipping from a bottle of whiskey and refusing eye contact. “We were so hellbent on stopping Hillary that we backed a violent psychopath with no regard for the life of anyone but himself. Would Hillary have been so terrible? Would we be forced to test our moral compass everyday? Would our integrity be challenged with challenged with every word that comes out of our leader’s mouth?”

Carlson could not finish his interview with The Spoon Feed as he collapsed in a heap of violent sobs.

[thespoonfeednews]

“Everybody Poops”; Ableist Oppression?

Brooklyn, NY - A group social justice advocates have put their crosshairs on children’s book publisher Kane/Miller, claiming their top seller Everybody Poops is an aggression towards individuals that do not possess the capability to poop.

The Association of Assless Americans, or AAA, has filed for lawsuit against Kane/Miller claiming that the popular children’s book isolates children that are unable to poop under normal circumstances. Director and Founding Member Lindsey Brown explains, “In an age where progressive ideals are beginning to hold their own within mainstream society, my colleagues and I have decided it’s time to stand up against ableist literature like Everybody Poops. As a mother of a son who uses a colostomy bag, I find the work offensive, divisive, and politically incorrect. We may as well have a book entitled, Everyone Is Normal But You!”

Kane/Miller released an official statement: “Kane/Miller strives to evolve with the times as society changes and progresses forward. We will be evaluating the integrity of Everybody Poops and are fully considering amending the work to adjust with today’s political spectrum.”

[thespoonfeednews]

National Anthem Joins #MeToo Movement Following Fergie’s Performance

Los Angeles, CA - Following Fergie’s show stopping performance of The Star Spangled Banner, the American national anthem took to Twitter, using the hashtag #MeToo.

The #MeToo movement gained another member last night after pop star Fergie performed her own version of the American national anthem preceding the NBA All Star game. Millions looked on in horror, helpless to end the terrifying spectacle.

The national anthem later tweeted: I am shocked and horrified that last night, I was publically humiliated and violated by someone I not only trusted, but had full admiration of. #MeToo

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver released a statement today promising a full investigation of the incident and apologized for the NBA’s involvement.

[thespoonfeednews]

Liberal Guy Shares Liberal Article With Liberal Friends

Brooklyn, NY - A local radical with highly leftist views has shared an article via Facebook calling for stricter gun laws. His fellow liberal friends nodded in agreement and went about their day.

Josh Meltzer, 27, shared an article this morning comparing violent crimes in the United States with other G20 countries. The article was concise, well crafted, and changed absolutely no minds because all of his friends on Facebook have the exact same views as him any way.

“Honestly, I was a bit disappointed,” said Meltzer. “At first I was like, ‘This article needs to be seen by everyone; the argument is compelling, all the stats have reputable sources, it’s a homerun for educating people on the country’s loose stance on firearms.’ Then I shared it and realized I’m just preaching to the choir.”

The post received two likes and one angry react.

[thespoonfeednews]

House Republicans On Florida Shooting: Those Students Knew The Risk

Washington, DC - Top Republican leaders today issued a statement regarding the recent shooting in Florida that left 17 children dead.

The statement, delivered by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, insists that the students shot dead on Wednesday while attending school knew the possibility that they might not survive the school day and accepted that risk upon attending their classes:

“Every student in this country understands that when you attend school, you might get randomly shot. This is not the first school shooting in this country. When you go to class, you are knowingly taking a risk.”

McConnell went on to mention that he himself is unphased by the recent shooting and sees it as a mental health issue. He then called for government cuts to public mental health programs.

[thespoonfeednews]

Racist Ass Hole Hates Black Panther

Chicago, IL -  After seeing a showing of the latest blockbuster, Black Panther, local racist Bryan Kimpel reportedly hated the movie which featured an almost all-black cast.

Kimpel’s friends say that upon leaving the theater, the bigoted middle school teacher who volunteers at his local YMCA gave less than stellar reviews of Black Panther, essentially revealing himself as a full fledged racist.

“I never said I didn’t like it! I just said I liked Ragnarok more!” said the racist. “I’m not racist! My adopted brother is black! This isn’t fair!”

The Kimpel Family later released a statement distancing themselves from Bryan Kimpel, disowning him and barring him from family events until further notice.

[thespoonfeednews]

Trump Appoints Sheldon Cooper To Head Of NASA

Washington, DC - President Donald Trump announced today that he has appointed fictional character Sheldon Cooper of CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory to lead NASA.

In a press conference on Capitol Hill, Trump reiterated his desire to return Americans to the moon, but expressed dissatisfaction with current NASA leadership. His response is to appoint Sheldon Cooper, fictional physicist and social trainwreck, to head the world’s foremost space exploration agency.

“If we want to get back to the moon, we need better leaders,” proclaimed Trump. “I have been watching Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s work for years now and he is so smart- so smart, folks. He’s even smarter than that Jew astronaut he hangs out with. I was on the phone with him this morning telling him the good news- wow! What a smart guy.”

Vice President Mike Pence quickly hurried Trump off the podium, cutting the President’s decree short.

[thespoonfeednews]

Trump’s State Of The Union To Be Delivered In Russian

Washington, DC - President Donald Trump is slated to deliver his first State of the Union address tonight. It will also be the first American presidential speech to be delivered in Russian.

The decision comes the day after White House officials instructed Congress to not sanction Russia for election meddling. Trump claims that if the United States is to maintain friendly relations with Russia, it is imperative we begin including their language in our political affairs.

“Putin and I have always had a great relationship,” says Trump. “Our allies in Moscow sent me a full script in phonetic Russian, which was very nice of them. I'm not sure what any of it means, but I bet it's some really tremendous stuff.”

Trump will also be speaking in front of a Russian flag.

[thespoonfeednews]

Racist Friend Keeps Telling You Morgan Freeman Doesn’t Like Black History Month

Boston, MA - With February underway, your borderline racist friend won’t shut up about Morgan Freeman’s opinion on Black History Month.

In a 2005 interview, critically acclaimed actor Morgan Freeman came out in opposition of Black History Month, stating that the only way to eliminate racism is to stop talking about race. Your friend who grew up knowing close to zero black people has adopted Freeman’s opinions in order to cling to his own subconsciously racist views.

“How are you going to argue with the voice of God?” spews your racist friend. “Dude, you should go on YouTube and watch the clip; he really lays it out there. How can I be racist if I have the same opinion as Morgan Freeman? There’s no White History Month and that’s real racism.”

Your friend then claimed to understand the plight of Black Americans because he likes Kanye West so much.

[thespoonfeednews]

Defiant Jogger Refuses To Use Sidewalk

Portland, OR - Though posing a danger to himself and others, impassioned jogger Steven White says he has every right to jog in the street among cars going over 20 miles an hour.

White, 42, has been jogging four times a week for over a decade. While the neighborhood’s well-maintained sidewalks are available to him, White says he would rather die than jog “on a glorified walkway.” Ironically, jogging in the street has almost killed him multiple times.

“I have every right to jog in this street,” explains White. “I am not a pedestrian going out for an afternoon stroll here; I am an athlete honing his craft.”

White later yelled at a car that almost hit him, exclaiming, “Pedestrians have the right of way, ass hole!”

[thespoonfeednews]

Man Overwhelmed By Sexual Harassment Allegations Asks Women To Stop Coming Forward

Chicago, IL - With the constant wave of women coming forward with personal experiences of sexual assault, Chip Bailey feels enough is enough and has asked that women give it a rest.

The Me Too Movement has been gaining traction for several months now and dozens of men have fallen from grace. Victims of the movement include Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, and (almost) Aziz Ansari.

“I can’t take it anymore,” says Bailey, postal service worker. “Every day I have to hear about another sexual assault in the news cycle and it’s disheartening at best. The never ending stream of accusations has to stop. It’s time for women to keep it to themselves.”

Bailey has unleashed the hashtag, #OutOfSight, which has yet to gain any traction.

[thespoonfeednews]

Local Man Pretending To Know What Government Shutdown Means

Boston, MA - Though he claims to have quite passionate views of the United States government shutdown, Alan Smalls doesn’t actually have any idea what the crisis entails.

With the future of DACA on the line, Congress Democrats are refusing to budge on tying government funding to the popular program. Republicans are calling on their counterparts to concede in order to avoid a total government shutdown which would include closing down national parks, non-essential government permits to be put on hold, and military personnel to not be paid. Smalls, however, is not aware of any of this.

“Oh, I’m sick of this,” says Smalls, advertising salesman. “This is such bullshit. A government shutdown would cripple this country… I think… But it wouldn’t be good, and those damn Republicans are to blame… I think.”

Smalls was last seen googling “What does a government shutdown mean?” so he could write an article for his shitty satire blog.