Its pretty crazy how self deprecating I can get, the deprived feeling, the hollowness. It only took me this long to realize how shitty I really am. Not like anyone here cares but I have to put my thoughts down somewhere. Its horrible. I don't even wish I was someone else. I just want to sit in my room and play games and watch anime for the rest of my life. This is too much. No one prepared me. Now I'm dying because of it. I'm stressed beyond stress. I didn't know what it meant to be deprived. I think I understand now. A level of self hatred, basked in pretentiousness to cover up my own faults. Its pretty ironic. I was wondering why I never hated anyone. I was saving the hate for myself. This goes beyond normal levels of self hatred. I don't even wallow in my own shame anymore. Because I don't deserve it. Every time I try, I shut myself down. Analyze every part of myself. It comes to a point where I can't hardly stand to be around me. Even now. This is shit. This writing is shit. Everything I've said now is bullshit. I know one thing for sure though. I hate myself, hatred I've never felt for anything before in my life. I don't want to try saving myself anymore. There's no point. I can't change. I fall into the same habits. I want to die.