Vision without execution is hallucination.
I am relentlessly blinded by the mirage of what life is. But sometimes it's an endless hallucination of something else entirely. Compared to most, I am simple and vastly complex. I find faults, I fix mistakes, I seek information and turn its self into facts. I arrange my environment to retain balance while teetering at the edge of OCD. My life, a monthly balance sheet of bills that need to be paid and emotions that need to be checked and cats that need fed.
Then some days I derail. Spend more money than I should, stay up later than should, drink more than I should, fuck work, fuck sleep or not give a damn – at all. Abject self-carelessness. In those moments I am set adrift in the ocean of the world without an anchor. Ceaselessly swimming in hallucination. Trying to find my anchor.
Eventually the feelings pass, the moon wanes. The lunatic goes, hides under the stairs, and once again I find the path that is somehow always right there in front of me like the prompt in a video game telling me where to go next.
People like me, like you... We soak in emotions and don't know how to let them out. Human emotions are a serum which is like a power that most of us don't know what to do with. Emotions can spin people up or wind them down just like drugs do. With them, they lack sleep, sleep too much, eat too much or don't eat, won't talk or the talk too much. Some cry, others laugh. Some go numb while others are excited like exposed electrical wires.
There’s something wrong with all of us.
I've been told I'm bipolar. Possibly borderline manic depressive. It's possible I have narcissistic personality disorder. What I've known for a long time is that I'm not normal. I'm weird, strange, odd, crazy. But I really don't see why. I'm completely blind as to what makes me so different other than I merely don't do what everyone else is or does. I don't like what everyone else does. I don't respond the way most girls do. I can't. It's not right. Sometimes I feel like half a person, because the other half is hiding under the stairs.
Yet, when other people judge me, I just happen to think they're really talking about themselves. Most of the time that's true, so it doesn't do much for me. It's that person's own deflection of truth and hallucination.
In that vein, I've have known that what I'm surrounded by paints my emotions – where I either get sucked in or spit out. We were all born impressionable. Gullible. Stupid. But then we grew and learned. When we find things that don't agree with us, that we are different, we act on how to make the most of that disappointment, that challenge, that situation. Sometimes we own it. Other times it owns us.
They say that all energy, at the molecular level on up, finds the shortest distance between two points in order to get to its next point in space. It's why plants lean toward the sun. Heat moves faster than shade. The spark that creates life.
Two points make a plane. Three points form a triangle. Four points a square, and so on. Too many points create chaos.
Balance is omnipotent. We expect and assume in order to maintain. We judge and categorize in order to survive. We minimize in order to contain exposure.
We as humans, we are all these complex shapes of the 3rd dimension. When we are 180 degrees from something it is said that is an opposition. Like two magnets whose energy fights to stay balanced in that position, eventually both are slipped out of place quickly, forcefully, into less hostile positions, out of the path of each other's direct energy.
The path of least resistance is born.
In my own defense I paint others dismissively or vociferously when challenged. Defense mechanisms exist to neutralize threats. Irrationality serves to protect the psyche. Therefore, I perceive my reality in opposition to others often enough. Would that be the path of least resistance? Or would I be trying to maintain balance in the face of energy? It's all bullshit anyway. Remember, I'm hallucinating on reality without vision.
I speak to no one but my own mind at this point for you can not contradict or add comment to this dialogue. It's about at that point, when I'm reaching for something that isn't there, like a waking dream, the clouds dissipate and vanish. Then reality becomes clear in light and sound and touch. Then the fear brought on by emotion creates the urge to care too much, as if that's something that will keep the dream alive. But really, it's something that kills it faster.
Everything changes and thus Everything dies.
No one likes neglect either. Without the proper amount of care, attention, nutrients, food, air, things wither – they disseminate into dust. Neglect is a recipe for dysfunction because we are trying to connect to the next point but the point is missing so we wind up spinning in circles around ourselves without any feedback. Neglect doesn't interfere because it's its own closed system. It knows nothing about you nor deems to try to know. Neglect asks no questions and promises no love, advice or help.
I hope I am not neglectful, but something tells me that I am.
The only constant is change.
Emotions are in constant state of flux brought on by external stimuli. Propelling us forward in our decisions and actions. In a world full of accelerated hyperactivity our brains synapses are like a telephone switch boards at Christmas. The degradation of change with this heightened activity leads to the rapid replacement of old cells with new ones.
Some things change in tandem. Some change at angles and in parallels as others in oppositions. I know we, individually, have changed. And with that we play the board the way it's laid out and continue, following the prompts along the path forward.
Happiness isn't an object to be found. It's one of many feelings that come and go. Two points on a plane that teeter totter like a seesaw, in balance and harmony in the ebb and flow of transactional energy.
Within this system, more energy can be introduced – and if not properly balanced, has the potential to collapse like a house of cards. Balance regulates energy and helps keep systems running smoothly.
What do they call that in electrical systems?
Change is the only constant in a solar system of fixed stars, who seemingly appear stationary in relation to each other while moving in circles as if forever in a waltz.
Love Robyn
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