They|Wont|Let|Us|Speak

⋆ ♈︎ ☉ ⋆ ♐︎ ☾ ⋆ ♑︎ ↟ ⋆ It’s a long story, letting go of the things not meant for me. ⋆ ♈︎ ☉ ⋆ ♐︎ ☾ ⋆ ♑︎ ↟ ⋆

[thethingaboutexisting]

“There’s worms in your brain, they crawl through the holes muddled with subtle pain, easy access to your skewed memories and your otherworldly misconceptions...

why can’t things be the same? Before the rain... it came pouring down filling the holes with muck and every time you thought you drained them, they filled to the brim again.”

[thethingaboutexisting]

The thing about existing is… we just do. Nobody asked if we wanted to.

[thethingaboutexisting]

What’s the point?

[thethingaboutexisting]

In the thick of it, this isn’t the weekend morning coffee, I dreamed of sharing when I was just a little girl. Cinderella in reverse I clean up after your mental instabilities and return our home to it’s former glory, before you yet again make a mess of what our lives could be.

[thethingaboutexisting]

I cannot be the only one who had hoped the world had ended 3 years ago, (as it had ended many times before) so I could finally start living. I also cannot be the only one this spiritual awakening that has realized the world did not need to end for me to break free of these opaque chains and allow myself to live life as it was intended.

[thethingaboutexisting]

You’re the fire starter. I wish I wouldn’t waste my breath, but here I am fueling the flames instead of extinguishing them.

[thethingaboutexisting]

It’s so easy to portray happiness in a few snippets of life. So easy sew on smiles. Why do we stay when we want to leave? Blind to the road in front of us that’s covered in foggy uncertainties. How can one be afraid of what they cannot see? Because we will the images into existence, so far from certain reality, and quite frankly I can’t fuckin’ breathe. Open the window please. Let my soul escape, to a place where we are safe. I can’t be a puppet anymore, I can’t dance over shards of glass and busted memories. There are no happy days, floating through this inevitable hell here with you.

[thethingaboutexisting]

I don’t want to cry anymore, don’t want to yell, it’s not in the cards, doesn’t matter how hard you fell, get up on your own two feet, grab their hands and keep walking, because dear that brick wall in front of you that you’ve been talking to, walk around it, it’s all you have to do, turn the corner, and don’t look back because it’s been blocking the most beautiful view.

[thethingaboutexisting]

The crisis is existential. The woods are calling my name. I scream obscenities as they stare at me blankly. Crazy is as crazy does. Why do I fight so hard to find normalcy in all that is not normal to me? I don’t want to conform. I will not lay silent. I will not play a part. Set me free. When the trees caress me, I can finally breathe.

[thethingaboutexisting]

“...Mom wants help picking up after dinner so i follow suit and get out some Tupperware for the leftovers and rinse my plate for the dishwasher, yet another confusing concept I’ll never understand, why wash something just to put it in the dishwasher to wash it again? Pointless appliances are only one of the many things my parents pride themselves in. Oh the material world how i despise you. When I’m finally done pretending, it’s almost an instant relief that I’m back in my bed, i decide to tear open a book to pass the time. Something i picked up at my last library trip which may have been during lunch, I’m becoming quite the loner and the silence of the the book rows consumed me. The words written on pages like the ones carved into my skin. Only difference is nobody even bothers to open me up and peer inside.”

[thethingaboutexisting]

I used to read to people now I just read people.

[thethingaboutexisting]

The doors not locked

She can come and go as she please,

Why i stay inside?

Give me reason to leave,

The warmth of sanity,

And maybe I’ll move,

But today the sky is closing in,

And the walls are full of sin,

I can’t listen anymore,

Hallucinations worse than folklore,

Out on the losing end,

But who’s keeping score?

Silence is so welcomed in a life of chaos

How can stillness be wild?

And how can wild be still?

My heart pumps faster

Be still my heart,

Or so allow my heart to be still.

[thethingaboutexisting]

The storm before the calm.

[inkflowergarden]

Come what may, i am ready for the new phase of my life.

[thethingaboutexisting]

Breathe. What is it about making me feel so small? They said don’t confuse hatred with love. I wanted hope and excitement and in turn it’s just pessimism and worry. You bury my optimism under your negativity and hide the shovel. Is it worth the yelling? Worth the tears? You have journeyed from substance to lacking sustenance, but it is I who crawls through the desert of despair with no water to bare. The sun beats down upon me and I carry the weight of a thousand. Just to go the distance of tomorrow.

[inkflowergarden]

Leaving the past behind.

[thethingaboutexisting]

Quizzically unsure steps, fumbling hands and caressing the small of your back in the same moment turning away and finding solace in a spiritual novel. Laughing at the novice, but finding breaths in the out-worldliness. The idea of solemn hand-holding is sweet natured and calming, yet set in motion brings great anxieties. Just be. Some day kisses and some days solidarity...the balance and the imbalance of it all. Take me as I am.