The Thoughts of Katie Mack

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

This always happens I find a new friend, I send them a lot of messages because I get so excited about a new friend, and then take their silence personally I can't help it When you go through grade school understanding that you're invisible, it's hard not to take silence as a cue

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I just want someone to want to talk to me

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

After all the internet "friends" that I made, I would have thought I'd feel less alone Or that one of them would text me first after a while :/

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I just want someone who lives near me who wants to hang out and be my friend

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I don't even think I'm capable of having friends right now

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

The worst part is that I'm so desperate for friends and for someone to want to talk to me, that I have almost no standards and it feels like garbage Like, all the posts that are so into self-respect I don't have that I feel pathetic

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I want to disappear until I am a better human

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I just want to have an actual conversation with someone. Or for someone to text me. Anything.

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I miss him and everything about him The stupid fights The adventures The intimacy The faces he made I messed everything up

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I think I’ll just live vicariously through my friends’ relationships instead of trying that bullshit again （；¬＿¬)

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

When I finally have my own place is when I'll experience "home" again

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

Saying goodbye is not something I'm into. But I'm sad that no friends live near enough to celebrate with.

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I feel like I’ve reached out so much to others the past few weeks and hardly anyone has reciprocated.

In other news, this is my last week here.

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

This has been a pretty shitty last weekend.

Goodbye, UMass. I won’t miss weekends like this.

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

Yesterday in general was crazy, but after the ball last night, my brain kinda fell off the rails.

I have been waiting 4 years for the apology of this guy who couldn’t give me the time of day freshman year. He would say hello to my friends and then completely ignore me. He apologized for being an asshole. He knew my name. He actually stopped me at this party. He hugged me (and I let him). I forgave him.

Then I ran into Sophia. And we cried. A lot. We are the last 2 photo concentration majors. We survived all of the photo classes -- together. We’ve been the only ones for each other. Yes, we’ve hated each other at times, but any sibling-types will. That’s what she is to me -- some sort of sister or cousin I never had. She’s been there for me this whole time and I for her. And here we are, finishing this journey together.

Everything kinda came full-circle last night and it was weird and lovely.

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

I am trash

[thethoughtsofkatiemack]

"Did you really flip your belly button lint at me yesterday?" "No, I dropped it on you."