It was a day where I felt like giving up...all of it. No, I don’t mean ending my life, but everything short of that...yes.
I wanted to walk away from all of the craziness at work - I was drowning all day. For the first time in 5.5 years I sat back and asked myself “what the hell is going on and how can I stay afloat?!” The answer didn’t come when I asked the question that first time, nor the second. In fact, the answer never came. Instead, more phone calls and more urgent action items...and more and more. I wanted to give up. Logic says I can’t give up my job that easily (not the rapper, I’m talking about human logic). I instead gave up on certain tasks that weren’t important and only focused on the most important things. That last a short while because the important things kept changing. This is what happens when you have to fill in for your boss and two teammates. I’m literally doing the work of 6 people. I guess I should be proud. I am...and also tired.
I have to share the stupid thing I did before the day started. I decided to do a one day juice cleanse on a Monday...who does that? Don’t we all love to hate Monday’s? Don’t we wish they’d go away? Yeah yeah...then Tuesday would become the new Monday and we’d start hating Tuesday. I like Tuesday. It’s that day where you go “cool, I made it past the hard part”. Monday is like that initial cold shock you feel when you jump into the pool...Tuesday is the part where your body acclimates to the cold water and you learn how to breath again. So yeah...juice “cleanse” on a Monday...bad idea. Add that to the list of things I wanted to give up on today.
Stress makes everything feel zoomed in. All of the small problems suddenly become mountains. A friend flaking for a legitame reason becomes the worst thing you’ve dealt with all day. We’ve tried to hang out the past 3 weeks and each of us had needed to reschedule at least once. That’s part of growing up. So...what is there to be angry about? Glad you asked...mainly the fact that I was counting on this friend to be my escape from this stressful week ahead. That’s not fair. Other people are not medicine and they are not an escape pod from reality...they are just easy targets for blame. I gave up on trying to be patient. I gave up for selfish, dramatic reasons. Add that to the list. Are you counting? I’ve reached 3 things so far.
I did another stupid thing. I drove to work with 20 miles worth of gas left in the tank. I prefer to go to Costco for gas for obvious reasons. When I left work I had less than 10 miles left and Costco was 7 miles away. All logic would have said not to risk it...but I gave up on logic today. This actually worked out.
Number 5. I’m guilty of not knowing how to forgive. I’ve never been great at this. I welcome people into my life easily and I’m fairly quick to trust. Forgiveness is something I quickly withhold from those that deserve it. My frustrations probably run deeper than I’m willing to admit. I can blame my dad, but I have been taught not to let my struggle be my excuse. But let’s be real...it’s a truth...the struggle is real. I just wanted to type that line...excuse the drama. I came home frustrated by the world and wanted to continue in this whirlwind of anger when I got home...but instead I gave up again. I took out my AirPods and meditated with music until I fell into a light sleep. I finally surrendered. This time it was a good thing.
Fast forward to right now where I’m awake and refreshed and it’s 80 degrees outside because of the heatwave and I’m grateful to be inside with my air conditioner.
Thank you to everyone that puts up with me. To all of you that will never read this because I don’t blog anymore at all on Tumblr.
Cheers to having an outlet and to living through another day. I say this as I raise my can of Tangerine flavored La Croix because alcohol is not part of this damn juice cleanse.
Okay, tomorrow...I’ll be there soon...but I’ll hang out with today for the next couple hours. We’re cool now.
