The Traveling notebook

Online diary of my thoughts and experiences.

[mothcub]

[thetraveling-notebook]

13 October 2016- Propensity

There is a higher propensity for success when you keep trying. I think I found a truth about me: I don't let go of things. Good and bad. And for this case, I don't think it's a bad thing because in the midst of everything, I can be a safe and reliable space for one person, even after everything we went through. Eliza trait, I'm embracing you tonight.

[thetraveling-notebook]

12 October 2016- Extremely Subdued Perdition

Things have been something else lately. The urge to write has literally been so overwhelming that I thought I might actually throw up at one point because I was in such an urgent need to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I’ve got a lot going on, and I’m not really sure why. Nothing has changed really, but like, it has at the same time too you know? Anyways, I have  made a list of all the things I wanted to write about, so if anyone reads this, buckle up and settle in, because it’s gonna be a bit of a night. 

I have a very strong appreciation (read: strange attraction) for Misha Collins. Mainly because of his endearing qualities. I just really like his passion for things, and although I don’t always agree with the things he supports, I love his intensity and dedication to the causes. I miss being that passionate about things like that. Speaking of Supernatural, I finished the show. Like all 11 seasons in the span of 2 months. YES. I was quite impressed with myself. I’ve fallen in love with that show and I’ve really come to appreciate the actors and what they stand for in their personal lives. I remember when my sister was starting to get into the show, she would talk about Jared’s struggles with mental health and I don’t think I really put two and two together that people in the light like that could still experience things like that. So I read up on his struggles with depression and anxiety issues and honestly, it was a weird assurance for me that there isn’t a certain type of person who goes through things like this. I’m quite excited because I bought tickets for PHXCon ’17, partially with the intention of enjoying the convention and all that but also because I really want to talk to Jared. And to Misha. And just thank them for the example they have led and the barriers and stigmas they have helped to dissolve to some extent. I’m sure they get that all the time, that thanks, but I really want to give my two cents on the matter and say thanks for myself you know?

In terms of my anxiety and stuff, things have been a little more intense over the last week or so. I’ve been very active in the community and reaching out to make connections of the benefit of work and stuff, but it really is taking a lot out of me. To top it off, we had officers councils this week, and I don’t think I have ever been so nervous. I knew it would be totally fine and that I would be safe and everyone would be welcoming, but I could not push aside the nagging feeling of dread and fear from my mind. It felt almost torturous. When I was walking up to the dining room on the first night, I was kind of lost in my focus until I realized what I was doing: I was itching furiously at my right forearm and kept saying “you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine” under my breath repeatedly, and honestly I think that scared me more than anything, because I don’t remember the last time that has ever happened. It reminded me of Colorado and the difficulties I went through there. It was probably the lowest I have ever been, without aide at least. I never think about that stuff because it a weird combination of embarrassment and shame to even think about. I don’t think there’s a single soul that knows the extent of it all. People know bits and pieces, but I’m the only one who knows the whole story.

Today, I was looking at my wrist and, although it’s been over three years, I can still faintly see the little scars from my watch pinching my skin to the point of bleeding. I know there’s another place somewhere on my hand where I pricked myself intentionally just to see if I could. It was years ago now, but I still remember it, and I got a small wave of longing for the endorphin release that comes with something like that… that’s not good either. Part of me blames Hautley’s Bend, the stupid story I’m reading, where one of the characters uses his cigarettes to suppress the emotional pain he is having to experience. I know I shouldn’t be reading it in the state that I’m in (or that I think that I am in??) right now but part of me feels like I need to continue and see that it’s going to be okay. I need to know that it’s going to be okay. The other character has some emotional vulnerability issues too, which I can relate to. I think that’s why I’m so invested in the story. I can understand it to an extent. He finds his release in touch. It’s his reassurance, and honestly that’s where I feel I relate the most. I know I talked about it in my last entry, but I know how dangerous it is to invest yourself in someone or something as protection from what is going on around you. I just remember the safety I would feel from some of Z’s hugs or his kisses. You could easily lose yourself in those physical connections. I even felt it to an extent with Johnathan when we saw each other a few months ago. Not to the same intensity, but it’s just a feeling of safety. I miss that. I need that, but in a healthy way. I want to let go all of that stuff. I want to completely just move on from it and forget it ever happened. Just have it be a bad dream from the past. It’s almost haunting. I know, in some ways, it’s not that bad. I should be able to just forget about it. People have it so much worse, and here I am moaning about it like he tried to kill me. That was never the case. He was good to me for the most part. It just didn’t have the best dark spots. I hate this. What am I supposed to do to move on from this? Why can’t I just take this and grow from it like a normal person would?

I’ve been trying my hardest to not think so much about everything. Like e v e r y t h i n g. I made myself laugh the other morning because I had vaguely remembered making a reminder to myself in the middle of the night of this parallel I had thought of just before I fell asleep and even though it was funny, I was pretty impressed with the truth behind it. So, even though I have been trying super hard to not let myself get stuck in my thoughts, I have been. A lot. And to insane extents. Have you ever gotten yourself so deep into your thoughts that you literally have to pull yourself out of them like you’re Castiel raising Dean out of perdition? Because that has been the case every time I get really zoned into my thoughts. I’ve had a lot of time to think too, with this bedrest and all. I had surgery two and a half weeks ago to get my gall bladder taken out and as a result, I’ve just been alone with my thoughts a lot. Perks of being on bedrest though is that my friendship with alex has reached a really awesome place. It makes me so happy. We had a conversation the other day, just a silly impromptu one that ended up being a very sweet moment. We asked each other which of the Schuyler sisters we were the most like, and we both came to the conclusion that Eliza was the answer for both of us because of the way we love intensely, are passionate and independent, and how strong we are in the face of adversity and difficulty. Things like that make me feel like things are okay.

And in reality, things are okay. I’m just in a rough patch right now, and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m surrounding myself with situations that are influencing my weaknesses and I’m just not strong enough yet to be able to let them come into my life without phasing me. Maybe one day. Huh. Isn’t that how my last entry ended too?

[thetraveling-notebook]

4 September 2016- Someday I'll Fly Away

Sometimes things just suck in the evening. I'm not even sure what it is exactly. I just miss how things used to be and I'm not even too sure what "used to be" actually looks like. I miss reading because it took me to a different world. I miss dreaming. I miss just listening to music for hours and getting lost in it. I miss having fun and being with people who understand the importance of loving things, no matter how ridiculous. I just want so much more in life right now, which is dumb because I'm incredibly happy where I am, and I know I'm where I'm meant to be. At the same time though I'm just stuck in this ridiculous battle of not feeling good enough and not feeling experienced enough. I feel like a child. I thought when I got to this place, living on my own, having a full time job and bills and basically being self-sufficient that I would be in this perfect place. I've got so much ahead of me though. I thought my 20s would be the peak of all the work I had been doing for the last some odd years, but it turns out, your 20s are just a small plateau for you to gain your bearings before starting on your next summit which is a whole new beast all together. I thought things were hard to understand before? Yeah. Right.. The stuff coming ahead is where the real challenge lies. I just find myself longing for so many different things than I did before. I wanted to live on my own, I wanted to have a job and a life and be established and I have all those things now, but without realizing, all those things I wanted substituted themselves with new goals and desires like love and marriage and family and a desire to be different; to be important. How the hell do I do any of that though. I feel like I'm trying to learn how to be a whole new person again. Like everything I knew before doesn't matter anymore because I'm on a new playing field and my old skills are just sitting out rusting now because they dont have much use here anymore. I get worried sometimes that my mental issues are coming back. Part of me wants to take a break from watching Supernatural because I'm remembering what those distressing feelings felt like and how easy it was to be dependent on something to make you feel better. Ive felt detached on several occasions now and have had several anxious urges that have done nothing but scare me into avoidance. I just feel like that whole year is still part of my life. Like I haven't quite let it go just yet and I'm afraid that that is the case. I want to let it go, but in a way it's kind of who I am. The anxiety, the doubt, the worry was such a huge part of who I am and the last 9 months of being post-medication have been kind of a relearning process for me in a way because I don't quite know how much of me was me before the anxiety because I don't know when it started. I have no roots to latch onto to pull me back. If I do, they're lost in those stupid five years that I've pushed aside. I don't want to ground myself into any of that. I just don't know where to find myself at. I wish I could find myself in someone else. That would just be so much easier. I have to urge to throw myself more into my faith and my studies to try and find answers there, but the effort to do more than what I am doing now just seems overly draining (which I know is probably not the best thing either to be experiencing). I'm just kind of at a crossroads. All I can really do is just keep looking to the future. Someday things will be different. Someday I'll have better answers. Someday things will be a hell of a lot more clear.

[thetraveling-notebook]

5 June 2016- Packing Up and Shipping Out

Is it possible to pack my emotions into one of these boxes and send it off with my POD so I don't have to think about it anymore? I think reading through all my old journals and the onslaught of emotions (and the literal, non-stop, obsessive binging of Gilmore a Girls) has incited this nostalgic need for you. Yes, you. The one that is still haunting my life for some awful reason, 8.5 years later. I just don't understand it. I want to, but I don't know how. What did you do to me to make it so incredibly hard to forget you. I almost do miss the friendship we used to have. When we were at Disneyland the other day, my sister asked if I remembered who you were, because she saw someone who looked like you. For a second, I forgot that they don't know anything about our past. I guess that is just what it is now... Our past. It may as well have been another lifetime ago. I think I even said, "oh yeah, I remember him." As if I actually had to try. I was actually thinking about you not five minutes before that on Splash Mountain, remembering us going on that ride. Seeing that Travis was sitting where you were. Funny how things change. I guess I just don't know what I want. It's not first to me that you get to have this happiness. IM The one who got screwed over. IM the one who got her heart crushed. But YOURE the one who could get married any day now and probably not think twice about me. You probably haven't thought about me at all actually. This is pathetic.

[thetraveling-notebook]

5 June 2016- End of an Era

2 years ago today, I was accepted to this crazy school, and now, just a week from today, I'll be done. Commissioned, moved out, and onto the start of my life. It's weird to think about all that has happened here; how much I have grown. I have made friendships that will last a life time, I have come to understand who I am, and most importantly, I have developed a relationship with God that, although isn't the strongest, is something, and it's growing every day. I'm proud of who I have become and how I got to this place.

[beyoncebeytwice]

i dont mean to be dramatic but talking to someone every day for a while is really nice until that day comes when you like dont talk to them for like 24 hours and u really just feel like youre dying

[thetraveling-notebook]

17 May 2016- When life gives you a Jess and a Dean, look for a Logan…unless you can't get a Logan. In that case, be a Luke.

I think I have fallen into this cycle over the years of becoming WAY too emotionally invested into television shows. So much so that I try to attribute characters from the show to people in my life. I've done it with Friends, with Awkward (duh…look at all of 2014s entries) , and even jane the Virgin. I can't help it. I think it’s the whole "active imagination" and the fact that I haven't read a book in months, so I am forced to use TV as my source of imaginative  information.

Anyways, my current fixation (aside from Arrow and Flash and Jane the Virgin is Gilmore Girls. It started with the girls here at the school suggesting we do a to show night once a week, and watch Gilmore Girls every Thursday night together as one big group (of like eight of us. It was great for a bit, but then we got busy and then went out of town and almost a month had passed and we had only gotten to season 1 ep. 3 or something like that. Needless to say we started breaking it up and watching them separately and then venting excessively about all the contents of the show to each other. It's been great, but I am way to emotionally attached to that show, just like I get with all my other shows.

As I have mentioned before, I have issues with my boys in my life. Trav and Blake have become my reliable source of friendship and stuff during this last year at school. With everything that has happened in the last year with Blake, he we have come to acknowledge that whatever we had back then was a fluke, or a short-term, not really thought out relationship. He's reliable though, and safe you know? This is why he's Dean. He's sweet, and not too bright , and you don't want to hurt him because his intentions are pretty much pure and upfront. He's almost like a kid in a sense….yes, he is Dean.

Then, there is Trav. He's honest, and shares my interests, he's a little unpredictable, and he's charming. He rubs people the wrong way, but I get him. He shares with me, and is willing to be vulnerable and truthful and raw, and I think that's such an uncommon trait to have.  I'm close to his family, and we come from similar backgrounds. We get each other's past. He's new and different and makes me think about things differently.

And I know it turns into a little bit of a "shiny new toy" syndrome, but it isn't just that. I feel bad too, because I see that they don't get along (cough, Jess and Dean) and Trav does things to intentionally get Blake made for the sheer enjoyment of it. BUT. He's normal. And I know that's just a shallow thing to want, but Blake is just too much. He's loud and he's overly charismatic and chaotic and exhausting. I just want something different., and it's not that.

But, Jess isn’t the greatest character either. He's selfish, he carries himself in a pretentious way, he doesn't think out the consequences of his action, and if he does, he doesn't see the negatives as true negatives. He's incredibly independent,, but loves very genuinely. Which technically isn't a bad thing. Jess just has that whole I am a tough guy and I want to make sure nobody sees me express my emotions thing about him. And Travis is like 85% of that.

Enter: Logan.

I still have a strong feeling, as idiotic as it is, that I am meant to be with Johnathan one day. I will move to Washington and because we are so close in location, we would see each other a lot and slowly just fall for each other and everything would work out. I still can't get over when I first met him a few years ago. The most distinct thought I have of him is "he's going to be such a great husband." The way he was describing everything about his girlfriend and the way he was going to propose to her and such was seriously so perfect and I remember feeling so happy and even slightly envious over their relationship. He's an endgame. I maybe not my endgame, but I wish that he would be. His life is in order, he has things figured out, we have the same passions, hell we even have the same major (or did before I came to school) and love music and have good family backgrounds and genuinely try to do what is right. I don't know. It just seems so perfect. But for a split second as I am typing this, I had this fear of insignificance and a lack of worth. I might not even be his type, he might not even think of me that way, he might not have ever even considered me in that way. There are so many things that I could be that I am not, and those things could be what he wants and I don't have that.

Maybe I'm not a Rory. Maybe I'll just end up being a Luke instead.

Sigh.

[thetraveling-notebook]

24 February 2016- Changes

It has seriously been so long since I have written anything. Although I have thought about doing it quite a bit. It’s just the whole process of sitting down and actually starting. Blegh. It’s like the whole shower thing. It’s unpleasant to think about having to get into the shower but once you’re in there, it’s unpleasant to think about getting out of the shower. Life. Also, first world problems. Next.

First things first, I am no longer on medication! Whoo! It’s actually been like a hellish experience coming off of it, but I fully intend to use all the writings from here and put them into a book. It’s important to me to have some literature established on dealing with Mental Health within the church.Especially my church. The first three weeks of withdrawal were awful. There were days when I would barely sleep because the insomnia would keep me up, and then there were days when I physically could not get out of bed for fear of puking because I was so damn dizzy and nauseated. There were a few times where I legit stayed up tossing all night only to fall asleep for good around 7 or 8am and not wake up again until at least 2pm. Those days were pretty rough. I only had one panic attack and that was when I was no longer taking the escitalopram every day. (I did 15mg for a few days, then 10mg, then 5, and then none) I went to a Celebrate Recovery Meeting for my addictions class and all of my triggers were ignited that night. I was alone, overwhelmed, and in a new.uncomfortable place. I rebounded much better than I ever have though from a panic attack. After that night, I’ve been really good. Now I’ve been medication free for 2 months on March 6th. 

Second, I have no proper understanding of what it means to be in a relationship or have romantic feelings for someone. My heart is very screwed up and basically just aspires to have things that make me feel. Which is why I have caught myself thinking about Z or picturing myself with certain guys, or even having these fleeting crushes on people that have no idea of my feelings because they are so uncharacteristic and unprecedented. Things I want: A Schmidt/Nick who would give up anything to see someone happy. An Oliver who loves as strongly as Oliver can. A Barry who would literally stop time for me. I don’t even know what I want. I just want to be happy and have a future with someone.

Third, We are nearing dangerously close to Commissioning. Like, almost 100 days left. It’s weird. I have not really thought about it, but someone mentioned that 100 days is really not a lot at all and that is insane!! YIKES YIKES YIKES.

Fourth, I am working on developing my boundaries which is really important to me!!! I am getting better at saying no and speaking when I need to and asserting my moral code when it needs to be asserted. It’s great, I think. I need to work through the Boundaries book that Corrin and I bought so I have a better understanding of it, but right now, I feel a lot more empowered by my ability to make a choice for myself. I have learned so far that it does not matter if someone is mad at me for something, because that is the way they are choosing to react and I have no control over that. I can only control my own emotions and I have to remember that their emotional decisions are not my fault. 

I’m going to try and write more so I do not regret it later.

[thetraveling-notebook]

24 October 2015- Vulnerability and Closure

It’s been awhile. I like to think it’s because I have actually gotten my crap together for a while with my medication and what not. Who knows. I missed writing though. A lot has happen since April. I’ve got a new apartment. New Roommate. New friends. New everything it feels like. Change is good. I cant believe so much has changed since April. It felt like it would never be over and yet here I am, sitting in my new living room, shaking my head at what I was back then. This is now though. I’m a new person. I’ve taken up running (as of today I’ve done 2 competitive races!), I cook a lot more, I care a lot about myself and my well-being, I’m working more at being genuine in everything I do. Hell, I have even moved my attention to a new guy. Like I said, things have changed. I’m a totally different person now. 

That being said, I’ve come back to this journal because I need to vent. Or process really. I got major closure today as to why he broke up with me over a year and a half ago. It’s literally taken so long for me to process and understand what has happened. So much emotional issues built up with that, so much confusion. and I finally got an answer today. I don’t even know how to feel about it. He was honest because he is working on being vulnerable with people he trusts and so I encouraged him to start out with something small and that’s what he went with. He told me about his struggles with porn and how he didn’t feel like he could date me while he was going through that and now it makes so much more sense for him to say what he said about how he didn’t like the person he had become and didn’t want me to be involved with that while he tried to get things back in order. I’m seriously thinking so much about all the little details of that night when we broke up and how everything looks now that I have the full picture. It’s almost like I can see the break up me leaving and not praying with him that night and walking away crying him sitting there knowing he had just done something that hurt me. Now I know it hurt him too because he had to make that choice to put his priorities in order before he could be with someone else. 

This is just all so overwhelming really. I get it now. I have answers and I can breathe a small sigh of relief. It wasn’t me. There wasn’t anything wrong with me. There are like a million things and nothing going through my head all at once right now and I think for now that is okay. This is the most progress I have felt in a while. I don’t know which way the progress is going but I’m soaking it all in for right now and just letting myself feel each new emotion and realization that comes with this. 

[thetraveling-notebook]

15 April 2015 This is the first real meal you've had in two days. Don't deprive yourself to give into your emotions. You don't have to suffer physically to match your emotional pain.

[thetraveling-notebook]

26 February 2015- Wedding Attire

Wedding is probably one of this most used words I have spoken as of late. That and Disneyland…or some form of that word.  Things I am looking forward to right now: Dapper Day, Sarah's Wedding, and Lisa's Wedding. Things I am not looking forward to: Lisa's wedding. That's his mom. Not that I'm not excited to go, but I am nervous as hell and that is taking over a lot of my feelings. I have a feeling that something is going to happen that weekend… I mean, there is alcohol, I'm up in Sacramento, I staying at his mom's house with his whole family. He said his family was going to give me tons of crap for it while I'm there, but he still wants me to go.  SO I am. And we're going to match because he thinks we should and that is crazy to me. I get to buy a pretty dress and I get to get all dressed up and glammed up and I can't wait.  Also, I get to get dressed up two weekends in a row; once as Lilo for Dapper Day in Disneyland  and then the following week in San Diego for Sarah K. and Victor 's  wedding. So much glamor and so happiness..

The last week or so since my little (by little I mean freaking massive as crap) breakdown has been incredibly good. Like really good. So good that I don't know if things are getting ready to go bad. Does that make sense? Like, I think I have taken on a more pessimistic viewpoint over the last few months and so  and now I've gotten in to the mindset to expect the good to only last for so long before it turns sour. It's funny that now, I don't see any reason for me to get medication, but there is a small part of me that feels that I need it anyways. I shouldn't go without it. But then my mind says, "but you are doing so great. You were just in a funk. You waited a long time to say anything and it just bubbled out. No big deal. You're fine. You're okay. No medication."   It sucks being so madly confused about it.

I know it is drastic and fictional but my fears go to that scene from Shameless where Monica (Frank Gallagher's wife,,) goes off her bipolar medication and she thinks she is okay until she tries to kill herself on Thanksgiving. Now, I know that is really really a drastic comparison, but I mean it my perspective. What if I need the medication and I think I'm okay, but I'm really not and it is just going to progress one day until everything is too much and I freak out again like I did with my last meltdown and the one before etc. etc. etc. I can't let that happen., but I don't know what to do. What if I really am alright without it?

Ugh, Guidance please?

[thetraveling-notebook]

28 February 2015- Music

Also, playing piano in a large empty room in the dark also helps makes the weirdness go away.

[thetraveling-notebook]

28 February 2015- Walks

Sometimes you have to go for a walk to clear your head and make all the funny feelings go away like right now.

[thetraveling-notebook]

18 February 2015- Religion

It is also crazy amazing to see the way that God works in people's lives. I'm incredibly proud of George and his spiritual transformation over the last 9 months. Amazing.

[thetraveling-notebook]

18 February 2015- Transgender Acceptance

I just wrote a 7 page ethical paper on transgender acceptance in society with biblical support. Definitely a huge learning experience for me.

[thetraveling-notebook]

9 February 2015- DTR

So apparently, there is awhole  Bible study series that is basically a slap in the fact, wake you up kind of bible study that makes you reevaluate a bunch of stuff in your life and help you grow and become more in tune with your spirituality.  Well, in this book there is a whole section on Defining the Relationship between you and God. And Gin, in our conversation last night told me that I needed to DTR my relationship with the boy. It made me laugh at first, but I totally took her advice to heart. I really trust what she has to say and I feel that she is probably right. I can't end up in another situation like I had with Z. I just can't. I need a clean break. Or a clean definition at least. There are just too many grey areas for me to be okay with what we have right now.