The Turnip

My emancipation don't fit your equation.

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#passmenot #studentdebtforgiveness. twitter.com/theturnip_ 👻: nicole.brown07 👻: jshesq

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My emancipation don't know fit your equation. #themiseducation #theturnip #girliguessimwithher (at Pier Six Pavilion)

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Where the hood at? Where the hood (isn't) at? Where the hood never was?

VENTURA, CA – At his most recent rally in the sunshine state, Bernie Sanders strutted out to the rhythmic tune from DMX’s Where The Hood At. It was an interesting choice for a campaign stop in a city that, according to the 2010 census has a population that’s 79% White and a median household income of $52,000. But Bernie is nothing if not consistent in his attempts to show off his hip hop bona fides and ties to the civil rights movement at every possible opportunity. Even when Black voters continue to overwhelmingly support his opponent, Bernie keeps fist pumping, dabbing, and simply refuses to listen to his haters. DMX responded to the publicity stunt on Twitter, “When God shows up he shows out.” Go head, Brother Bernie.

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Slave owners call for apology from Heidi Cruz

WASHINGTON DC –  Texas Senator Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi compares her husband’s failure to secure the republican nomination to the plight of abolitionists and enslaved peoples, stating “Think that slavery -- it took 25 years to defeat slavery. That is a lot longer than four years. ... We're going to keep moving forward.” Slave owners around the world took Mrs. Cruz’s words as a slap in the face particularly considering their unfettered support for Ted Cruz. One former Cruz supporter John Dash, who owns a sweatshop in the garment district of Los Angeles where workers are forced to work 10-hour days with no ventilation in the California heat, was stunned by the statement. “Slavery ending was the worst thing that happened to our nation. Now we have to skirt employment laws by finding labor loopholes in the statutes. These are the policies that Ted backed in the Senate so I’m surprised and upset by his wife’s statements.” Cruz’s voters now look to Donald Trump as the sole slave labor supporter left in the race and have applauded the treatment and living conditions of employees at the Trump International Golf Club in Dubai.  

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Russell Simmons discontinues Rush Card, replaces with Tubman Railroad to Financial Freedom Advisory Services

NEW YORK – In shocking news no one saw coming, Russell Simmons’ publicist announced that, pending the resolution of a class action lawsuit concerning his eponymous fee-based debit card, the music mogul would launch a wealth planning app. Simmons says he was inspired after learning that Harriet Tubman, who led scores of slaves to freedom on the Underground Railroad, would replace Andrew Jackson on the twenty dollar bill. More than 150 years after the abolition of legal enslavement of African Americans, the Black community still lags behind every other race in building wealth. Not for long if Simmons has his way. According to the press release, the new app will be marketed exclusively to moguls-in-training with at least $29.95 (plus shipping and handling) monthly disposable income.

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Bill and Hillary Clinton agree to continue screwing other people

NEW YORK, NY – For the first time in the history of the nation, two spouses are poised to hold the title President of the United States. Bill Clinton ushered in a period of peace and prosperity in the ‘90s. The Clinton years were a much simpler time. When it was understood that the proper place for a black man was a prison cell. For life. Fast forward to 2016. The Clinton’s are back on the national political stage with Hillary poised to become the Democratic Party’s nominee for president. A young supporter wearing a “Super Predators for Hillary” t-shirt at a Clinton rally in New York City could barely contain his enthusiasm: “having Hillary back in the White House would be just like 1995 again!” God. We’re screwed.

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Urban Dictionary selects additions to 2016 Dictionary update

WASHINGTON DC – Once in the running to be added to the 2016 Urban Dictionary update, the word “on-fleek” was removed from the potential list based on indicative studies that White middle class usage was too high - showing that almost 74% of Whites have used the word, albeit incorrectly.  Words like “Dirty Sprite,” “Wavy” and “Trap Queen” are reportedly still in the running.  Final decisions on the selected words from the committee are slated to be announced in August.

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Black girls workout too - a haiku

Have to exercise

Summer 16 is close by

Cannot be this size

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First woman president of historically misogynist university announces ban on women only student groups

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an effort to combat gender discrimination on campus, Harvard University president Drew Faust, BCGF (birth certificate gendered female) announced that women entering the class of 2021 would no longer be permitted to join all women student groups. The news comes on the heels of campus protests against an increasing anti-male rhetoric targeted at members of all male safe spaces, also known as finals clubs. When approached for comment, a University spokesman cited the statistic that large groups of women working toward overcoming the vestiges of a patriarchal society lead to the syncing of menstrual cycles, ultimately causing women to let down their guards when approached for unwanted casual sex. While women leaders have been outspoken against the measure, the collective sentiment is that they are too woke and lack the requisite amount of chill. Faust herself has not been immune to criticism. Many have pointed out that as a BCGF she should be more sensitive to issues affecting women students. Faust, however, refuses to cede the official University stance.

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Garbed in the confederacy, a salute against the establishment

NEW YORK, NY –  Major online protest against a group of sixteen African American female cadets at West Point holding clenched fists dressed as Stonewall Jackson, who graduated from the prestigious military academy in 1846. Those furious at the women cite disregard of proper confederacy clothing, including not donning kepis to hide their natural hairstyles and allowing the belt plates to saddle their wider hips.  While many alumni have shown support for these women – all under the cover of anonymity – the loudest voices have been from those who have taken offense to the fashion faux pas of the graduating seniors. Facts of their stellar GPAs, leadership skills and tenacity have done nothing to silence the objections.

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coming soon: the turnip