In way my addiction was my attempt to replace people, relationships, with a substance. Not because I felt like I was a burden to them, which I do,..but my reasons aren’t quite so selfless.
Allowing yourself to need someone makes you vulnerable to pain. Not just this but it requires you to allow someone to see the broken person that you really are; stepping back from the illusions you’ve created with your lies.
It is our hatred of ourselves that makes us feel it would be impossible for anyone to accept us. Even if half our mind tells us otherwise, this deep inner hatred prevails, making it impossible to conceive of someone loving you for who you really are.
Or maybe that’s just what you tell yourself...because the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t...
Relationships are messy. Love is dangerous. People are out of your control.
And so is addiction Drugs will bring you heart ache, pain, destruction but… needing drugs feels safer than needing someone else. It means you can continue live in the palace of lies you’ve created...numb yourself from the pain you don’t want to handle.
But when it comes crashing down, which you know it will… it will bring you to depths of hell deeper than you’ve ever known before.
Here in lies the true insanity of addiction.
Most addicts know what the consequences will be even before they happen. Some have experienced them once twice, twenty times before.
Yet a few hours of not being yourself, not being able to feel, that void of painful emptiness, trumps the consequences and robs you of all logical thought.
And it always ends the same
Yet you’re not done until you’re done and that’s a problem when you’re a petulant child or you’re in pain that you would do anything to get rid of, consequences be damned.
I truly believe even the most intelligent people are capable of doing almost anything if their pain makes them desperate enough.
dailybridgerton
vaporwave
2087
tangentwithtanner