The Un One

From loquacious to laconic

[theunone-blog]

Red

On the afternoon of NYE, I rolled my suitcase from terminal to train to another train and then home. When I reached the fence of the place where I live, I was compelled to stop (even though I was freezing) because just as I was opening the gate, a beautiful red cardinal (apparently flying behind me/overhead) landed on the right side of the fence. Since I rarely see this year-round bird, its appearance at that moment gave me pause. That’s saying a lot considering I don’t really care for birds.

In any case, I was thinking about that cardinal again today and decided to research the symbolism/meaning of that little red bird showing up in my face and so far what I’ve uncovered is positive. Hope, Love, Cheer, Pride/Confidence, Focus, Renewal [http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-cardinal.html]; "There are times when it may be possible for a little red cardinal to get our attention when nothing else can, especially in times of depression and grief." [http://www.thecardinalexperience.com/symbols.php] Winter does make things extra blah.

Oddly the number 12 is associated with cardinals. I say “oddly” because it’s almost 12 days since we met, that bird and I. The 12 can also be pointing to the new year that was to roll over hours later. It could be that tomorrow something special is going to happen.

I won’t hold my breath. Haven’t seen ol’ red since that day. Maybe he’s snuggling up next to a fire like I am.

[theunone-blog]

For my fifth birthday, I REALLY wanted a surprise party. Either I never voiced that or it went unheard, but on the day, I begged my family to pretend they were surprising me and went into my room so they could do so. For my 26th birthday (that seems right, but memory fails me), my parents took me to Puerto Rico (the motherland!) for my birthday, and my cousins genuinely DID surprise me with a birthday party. Embarrassing. But touched. For my 40th birthday, which is much too rapidly approaching, I don't have any plans really. It's winter in the big city and everything feels like such an effort. Plus, in my experience, planning things results in disappointment and heartbreak and I'm not really interested in all that. In a fantasy world, I'd have the funds necessary for a short getaway to somewhere nice and relaxing where nobody even knows it's my birthday. Of course, in my fantasy world there are a lot of things that are different. Suppose that's true for everyone. Not sure how I really feel about surprises today, but I imagine having good ones every now and again throughout the year (is that too much?!) is nice. Kinda reminds you of the thoughtfulness and caring of others, right? Maybe I'll go surprise some other people instead...

[theunone-blog]

Back to me

Skydiving Parasailing Rope swinging (no arm strength into water of unknown depth and substance) Overseas solo travel Cross-country road trips Move to a state you've never even visited These are all things I did when I was younger, braver, more adventurous. Now I spend money on anything and everything that might alleviate my various anxiety symptoms. When did I become so afraid of everything (including flying) and will I ever get back to me?

[theunone-blog]

Irony

Growing up, I was always tall. Towering over everyone else, I was the default when it came to casting mom roles in school plays. At one such recruitment, I protested, "I DON'T WANT TO BE THE MOM AGAIN." Ever the softie/pushover, my teacher was able to talk me into it. Decades later, on the cusp of a milestone birthday and experiencing what I feel are pre-menopausal symptoms, I can't help but feel the sad irony. My uterus saying, "If you don't use it, you lose it." Harsh. Never the girl who got the guy(s), I for some reason expected I'd outgrow that once I got to college (and then further postponed each time I thought--hoped--my real life would begin). Somehow, some way. But I didn't. Still, I didn't think I'd be here, perpetually single and childless at 40. This is where hope and optimism get you. I was the kid with babies instead of barbies. The girl who always seemed to have a natural mothering instinct and love for children. I was supposed to be a mom! It was the one truth I believed. But here I am, looking forward to 40 as much as I look forward to root canals, because the one thing I always sincerely believed would happen for me, that I WANTED to happen, just isn't going to. It's a real circumstance that affects me so deeply I cry too often about it (and feel so angry I want to break things) and find no comfort in the sentiments of those who love and care for me. I feel like they don't understand because they either have kids or don't want them. I know this is my problem to work through and accept. If I had an actual career to focus on, perhaps I'd find it easier to cope. It feels like I've hit the jackpot of unaccomplishment. [At least I succeed at that?] Or maybe I'm simply feeling extra sorry for myself and overstaying my welcome at the pity party. Looks like it's time to get a cat.

[theunone-blog]

Feelin' me some Jenny Lewis

There's only one difference between you and me When I look at myself, all I can see: I'm just another lady without a baby Read more: Jenny Lewis - Just One Of The Guys Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

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It's late night (or early morning) repeat time. IF you wanna catch my little @michellephan #makeover on @iamsteveharveytv, set your DVRs today. :) (at NBC Studios-Steve Harvey Show)

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Showstoppers! ;) (at Steve Harvey Talk Show)

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The afterglow... #makeover #fancy (at Steve Harvey Talk Show)

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Feel like I missed a lot of typical rites of passage or whatever you'd like to call them, including prom, BUT decades later, I was treated like a special princess, so it all evens out.

[theunone-blog]

Tales of a Sixth Grade Something

Sixth grade might've marked my peak in academic excellence. Partly because that's the year I would do extra credit projects for classes I already had 95 or better in and partly because by seventh grade, for whatever reason, a switch went off and I kinda stopped caring much about my grades. And then there was this: Sixth Grade Honors Reading. An appropriate class for a word nerd such as myself; a person who early on (it seems) required multiple ways to occupy my brain. While I enjoyed Social Studies too (that's the one that got most of my unnecessary extra credit attention), it was Honors Reading that introduced me to a variety of new and interesting brain food items. We learned Latin and Greek roots (my notebooks, if not damaged by rodents or the elements are around somewhere), read Smithsonian magazine and wrote about articles of our choosing, studied art and artists and were tested on them, among other useful things not currently surfacing in my mind. As I write this sitting at a desk not using very much of the knowledge I know I possess, I long to be in Sixth Grade Honors Reading. It was one of the only classes in my K-12 experience that I feel nourished me; it's the kind of nourishment I long for in my daily working adult life, to have experiences of learning and ideas and creativity. If Mrs. Klatt can figure that out for me, I'll be doubly indebted.

[theunone-blog]

Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted, I gave what gave. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

[theunone-blog]

There is no why

"You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding." That's some tough wisdom alright.

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The Writing Life

It's the first day of July and the calendar has already filled up pretty quickly. Much of my time will be spent writing (including research, interviewing, attending events, etc.) and that's pretty wonderful to me, even if not every assignment pays in cash money. Sometimes the opportunity and experience are enough, especially when I get to do new. Here are some links to pieces I completed in June. The Swing and the Wall http://logansquarist.com/2014/06/12/swing-and-wall-comfort-station/ Free book kiosk http://logansquarist.com/?p=30775 Milwaukee Avenue Arts Festival http://logansquarist.com/?p=30838 Windy City Rollers http://www.windycityrollers.com/second-wind-celebrate-a-decade-of-derby-with-big-win-over-motor-city-disassembly-line/

[theunone-blog]

Just one of those days when you wake up early for no reason and know that you need new things/people in your life. 

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Love

Attention-seeking, love-craving, wanted-feeling me got all that and then some from "my" kids though what prompted it all was something very real and scary--my grandpa's third stroke. With a pulse of less than 40, things looked bleak; I thought I was making the road trip of my life, the one to say goodbye to my gramps, a man who though undeniably frustrating at times is the only man who has never in my life disappointed me. He's also the man who has set the bar and not that there's a queue, but he's also the reason I refuse to settle for less than I deserve/give and will likely remain single all of my days. He got a pacemaker which is an absolute lifesaver and will hopefully get him the additional four years he is seeking. I tried to help as much as I could while I was with my family, but short of moving back there, don't know what else I can do and for that I feel helpless and horribly self-involved. Alone trying to deal with my leaving while combatting feeling like I'm a horrible granddaughter/family member for going home. In any case, I have loads of kids in my life and always have. Nieces, nephews and godchildren seem to come along every year. They're all very special to me. Often I marvel at their intelligence, sweetness, hilarity and charm. However, the thing that truly blows me away the most is their love for me, a love I often feel I don't deserve because of the guilt that comes from thinking you abandon someone for selfish reasons or because I don't often feel like I'm all that great a being to be loved so purely. So to all the kids in my life who continue to welcome me with open arms (literally and sometimes at a sprint), I thank you. And I love you all so much. I hope you know that. To my gramps, you're the man! To the rest of my family, it was wonderful to see your faces finally. Hope you continue to band together to survive.

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Rats

A motivated rat can leap as high as three feet. Rats are smart and often work cooperatively. [To unleash massive slabs of hanging beef it seems] An adult rat can survive on less than an ounce of food a day and as little as half an ounce of water. For pleasure they seem to enjoy gnawing on wires. [Hello unexplained fires!] It is true that rats can and will invade homes via toilets [Never peeing in the dark again!] The average adult female Norway rat (the kind in back alleys and sewers) produces 35.7 offspring a year. And they have sharp teeth unafraid to bite the motionless [Never sleeping again]. Love Bill Bryson and his book, At Home, but think I might skip the rest of this chapter on The Study.

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If people would reply to me, that'd help stop the chest pain and distraction. I know everybody else's time is not MY time, but I'm a conscious communicator and expect the same in return. Too much to ask?