Moving On

an outlet for me to voice the confusing and emotionally draining nature of my relationship with my narcissistic/abusive mother.

[theunseendaughter]

Is it me?

Following the latest War of the Words with my mom, I sit in my darkened room with only the light of my laptop shining on me, feeling ever so sullen and I do this: I remember & I write.

Since I was a teenager and I was old enough to fight back when the blows to the face became too much to bear, this is the way it has been.

1. We fight and we yell.

2. We try to reason.

3. We cry.

4. We storm off.

5. We do it all over again.

Rinse and repeat, and yet, somehow we never stop despite the shitty cycle we have developed. I find myself in tears, much more often than I’d like to admit, and I silently beat myself up thinking of how I’ve put myself here again. Many times over the last decade I’ve convinced myself over the past decade that the only way to get out of this never-ending cycle is to cut off contact with my mom completely. Even today, I am sure of it...more sure of it than I ever have been. 

Unfortunately, since the pandemic hit and I got laid off along with some very unhealthy choices and an opioid addiction, I find myself living in my childhood home with my parents once again. Through it all I try my best to remind myself of how lucky I am to have parents that are willing to let me move back in while I put myself through school and that they are willing to stand by side as I make my way back to sobriety.

Before moving back in, I had to think very long and very hard about how the relationship I have with my mom would affect my state of mind. I’ve known for the majority of my life that it has served as a trigger, and now, being in the position I am in, it’s a trigger that I am not sure I can afford to keep in my life. That being said, awareness is key and I do not want to use it as a crutch and even less as an excuse.

I think about how many people have been through this before or are even going through this right now. The person who society tells us is supposed to be our #1 fan is our #1 heartache. If you have a doting mother who has always had your back, I am so happy for you, but this is not for you. This is for those of you who sit with me as we silently cry in our darkened rooms, wondering over and over again if there really is anything we could have done differently. For those of you out there that had a mother that could make you bleed with one hand while hugging on you with another, I am here for you. For those of you who tried so hard to make your mother proud, coming up with all sorts of ideas to make it happen, I am here for you. For those of you who thought maybe if you just were a little more quiet, a little more obedient, a little bit smarter, then maybe things would change, I am here for you. 

I am too tired to write anymore now but my story continues very soon. If no one reads this, I’m just glad to get this out there. If even one person reads this and can relate, I hope you remember you are not alone.