School Didn't Prepare Me For This

If only there were "Life for Dummies" books. Posts written by a 24 year old stuck between the awkward phases of post graduate school and adulting.

[theverylongtruth-blog]

In case you thought speech therapists only fix kids’ stutters and “wabbits”, here you go!

Infographic from: Latta Speech and Language Services

[theverylongtruth-blog]

August 6, 2017

It’s hard being a new grad. 

I have my master’s degree and it’s difficult finding a job. I’ve been looking every day since I graduated in May! I graduated with a masters degree in Speech-Language Pathology, and even though there is an abundance of SLP job listings, many do NOT want new graduates. 

When you graduate with your degree, you have to participate in a Clinical Fellowship Year (CFY - which really only takes about 9 months if you’re employed full time). This is a period of time in which you are employed, provide therapy services, and are supervised for a certain amount of that time. After that, you receive your Certificate of Clinical Competence (CCCs), which is what nearly every current job listing in NJ is looking for. 

I’ve tried agencies, and then ran away from them. The experience was kind of awful. The recruiter used this business tactic to intimidate me and pressure me into taking certain jobs because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be successful. I don’t do too well with that kind of attitude, so I said boy, bye and never came back. I’ve tried rehabilitation services providers (like Reliant Rehabilitation and RehabCare), and liked those experiences. They’re a bit different than those travel agencies. I learned that there are some facilities out there that only hire through these service providers. My recruiter was the sweetest lady but unfortunately there weren’t any openings close to home. They do have some fantastic opportunities in Texas though! I’ve also tried searching on sites like indeed.com and glassdoor.com. It’s rough. 

When I first started my job search, my priority was finding a job. I applied everywhere and anywhere. However, I didn’t take into account cost of living in these areas and all the other factors that went along with that. I got my first offer from a private practice in CA. I do sometimes regret not taking it. However, it was located in the Bay Area and I did research on cost of living AFTER I got the offer. Life would have been hard on the salary they were offering and the cost of living. Since, I had an interview with a SNF in TX, that sounded like such a great opportunity but it was in a very rural area very east in TX and very far from my family in TX. I also had an interview for a hospital (IP and OP settings) in NJ that seemed AMAZING. I really wanted it. And it was close to home! It had everything I wanted. Incredible CF support, both inpatient and outpatient, and both pediatric and geriatric experience. I was hoping my experience in a hospital and private practice would aid me. They seemed to like me… but not enough to offer the position. 

But! We have to look on the brighter side of things. This is what I’ve learned so far as a result of my failed job search: 

Interview Answers: I’ve had some experience with real interviews for real positions and I’ve gained more confidence in them, despite not having a job… yet. I’ve gotten an idea of what questions are asked of me, how to answer them, and what questions I should be asking. Many ask the standard questions (Strengths/weaknesses, what can you bring to the table, tell us about your previous experiences, what are your interests in the field) and some had more personal or specific questions (like explain your personality or give examples of diagnostic tests you have given). I bring standard questions about CF supervision, because it’s incredibly important to me to have an on site supervisor and every opportunity to learn and grow and develop skills that I don’t already have. Also, I’ve learned to be incredibly confident even if I’m a great ball of nerves on the inside. It shows. 

Priorities: My priorities regarding a CF position became more apparent as I went through each interview and exchanged correspondence with each facility. Ideally I would love to stay in my home state (New Jersey) for a little while so I can save up to move to my dream state (California) comfortably. However, it seems that the job market in NJ isn’t currently tailored to CFs unfortunately. I needed to be open to moving, which I am, but I needed to run research on livable areas if I’m moving off to be on my own. Areas where I have family are also in consideration. I’ve asked a few family members if staying with them would be possible for this time period if I were offered a job near them. I also  offered to pay rent.  CF supervision is another biggie for me. I would prefer an on site supervisor. This isn’t to say that I need supervision 100% of the time. I’m confident that I have the skills in my clinical toolbox not to be supervised very often. However, an on site supervisor would be incredibly helpful in the event I’m faced with something I’m unfamiliar with. And just knowing that my supervisor is on site gives me peace of mind.  Learning opportunities. The SLP field is so incredibly broad and constantly changing that learning is something that lasts throughout the career. It’s one of the things I love about this field! However, I feel that I also want my CFY to be jam packed with all new sorts of knowledge. I would love to have more experience with trachs, vents, and MBSS. At my medical externship, I had the amazing opportunity to observe trachs, and it’s something I’d love to get experience with. I would also love to learn more about pediatric feeding and swallowing, because those are experiences rarely obtained during school. Eventually I’d like to be trained in different treatment strategies/skills such as PROMPT and LSVT, so if facility offers anything similar or even just opportunities for CEUs that is a plus!  Setting: Okay so this became apparent to me when I finished my externships. I love pediatrics and I also love working with adults. However, I know I’m meant to be in the medical field. I just have this feeling about it. There are a lot of school opportunities (not so sure about CF opportunities though), but I think I would be doing a disservice to not just myself but schools as well if I were to apply and get a job in a school just so I can get my CCCs. I truly believe that we should each follow our callings. If someone feels they don’t belong in medical and want to work in a schools, go for it! Private practice more your speed? Go forth and be merry! Your externships will help you learn more about different settings and different populations. My goal one day is to work on a Brain Trauma Unit. I observed a few times during my medical externship. It’s a very rough place to be and it’s very emotional, but I just felt something click when I observed. I want to gain enough skills so that one day I’ll be ready for it. 

Connections are awesome, so build them! My mom works at a pediatric hospital. I was able to exchange emails with some of the SLPs and even the head of speech. Although I won’t be getting a position there (they are hiring, but they prefer those with their CCCs and require pediatric feeding and swallowing experience), it was really helpful to talk to them. 

So where am I now? I still look online for job postings, and will even apply to CCCs only positions because at least the place will know I’m looking for a CF if they have one available. I’m also considering EBS Healthcare, which I’ve heard good things about but want to do more research. Keeping in mind that everything happens for a reason, and everything will always work out! 

- Dee

[theverylongtruth-blog]

Such an important message.

[theverylongtruth-blog]

August 4, 2017

Dear W,

Being a “placeholder” for someone better in my last two relationships has definitely added to the many insecurities I developed during my first real relationship. That in addition to my bouts of depression require whoever my significant other is to have a great deal of patience. I am working on it. Like when you invited me to the concert, my mind went straight to obligation. I wanted to ask you if that’s why you invited me, but I told myself that you invited me because you wanted me there. If you had wanted anyone else, you would have asked someone else. I was proud of myself for my healthier way of thinking. However, when I thanked you for bringing me, you joked and said it was an obligation and I died inside. Part of me knew it was a joke but the other part of me took it to be true because that’s what my instinct told me (or insecurity, I guess. It’s difficulty to differentiate between the two sometimes.) 

I have been told that I am incredibly difficulty to love and that no one will ever be patient enough to deal with me. This came from my 6 year relationship and is probably the reason it lasted that long. I believed when he told me that no one else would want me, so you can imagine how proud I was of myself that I ended that relationship. However, this insecurity is so multifaceted. No one will want me because I require a lot of patience. No one will want me because they don’t have an idea of who I was before my mental health went down the drain. College exacerbated my depression and I fell really far; I’m still in the process of picking myself up again. No one will want me because there’s nothing special about me anymore. I’m just like everyone else. Everything spectacular I did was before college. I focused on college and grad school that I lost touch with all the other things that mattered so much to me: community service, music, my high school friends. No one will want me because of my idea of a good time. My idea of a good night is laying in bed and reading a good book. I don’t like clubbing, I don’t do drugs, and I don’t like getting shit faced drunk because I would rather remember things and balance and be in control of what happens. 

Insecurity: I’m being used as a placeholder. Again. Both guys hadn’t had anything serious in a while until me but it wasn’t serious enough to give me the title of “girlfriend”. A week or so after I left them, they had gotten girlfriends. Shame on me for falling for the same bullshit twice. Now I know this doesn’t completely apply to us, but I am worried that you’ll leave me for someone better. Someone who has big boobs. Someone taller. Someone with a prettier face. Someone who enjoys going to the gym. Someone who doesn’t have an amalgam of mental health issues and insecurities. Someone who likes your friends. Someone who can live with only seeing you once every other week. Someone who is spontaneous and adventurous. I know that I’m a good person, I won’t ever deny that. And if I’m having a good day, I may even go farther and say that I’m quite the catch. So much easier said than believed. It’s difficult because it’s you I want, but what if I’m not what you want? If a friend came to me and told me this, I’d say, “Doesn’t matter what he wants. It’s a shame because he’d be missing out on something spectacular. ” I’m the loser who can’t take her own advice. 

Sometimes, I can’t tell if you’re still interested in me. I feel like you don’t have anything nice to say about me to anyone. You would complain to your friends about me wanting to come over or tell them I’m the reason you can’t go out even though I know you want to. I tell you to go, but you don’t, and I feel like a burden. I don’t feel like you’re proud of me. We’ve been dating for over a year, and while I usually don’t care about social media posts, why does our puppy get a birthday post but I don’t? Or do you just not want it to be publicly known that you have been dating someone? And you keep pushing me to move out of state for a job. Although the more rational side of me is telling me that you’re just looking out for me, the insecure side of me is telling me that you don’t want me but you don’t know how else to tell me. That maybe you’re afraid to hurt my feelings. Or you’re afraid of what I’ll do if you break my heart. Listen, I may have lower than average self esteem, but I’ve been through heartbreak and I’ve gotten hurt and I’ve also healed.

...See, this is how spiraling starts. 

I overthink. And while overthinking can be great in some situations or occupations, a relationship is not one of them. I have a tendency to overthink and think the worst, and self destruct rather than communicate fully and effectively. I tend to feel more than think, and that gets me into trouble. 

Do you know what I sometimes do before bed? I take what I’m stressing over (currently it’s finding a job and its effect on our relationship) and watch in my head how the different situations could play out. What good does this do? None at all. I stress more, and I sometimes get upset all over a bunch of what ifs. 

I’m at a point in my life where I’m done with grad school, and I no longer know what I’m doing with my life and it’s all so stressful. Nothing is certain and I hate that. What I am certain of is that out of all the relationships I’ve ever had, this is the best one. I just wish my insecurities would stop fucking it up. I keep saying I’m trying but I need to try harder because I want this to work. I love your family, I love our puppy, and I love you. I need to get myself to truly believe that I am worthy of being loved, or else my self destructive tendencies will push everyone away. 

Important note: mental health issues are real issues. Just because you can’t physically see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Take care of your mental health! 

- Dee