I read a tweet this morning that said ‘What if @meganboyle started her liveblog on March 17, 2020, instead of March 20, 2013.’
That’s an interesting idea. I’m pretty private now and I find it hard to be emotionally available in more than small doses (meaning for more than a few hours a few times a week, to/with people I genuinely care about). That’s something I’d like to change. I don’t know if liveblogging would change that; probably not, and I’m not going to make the promise to myself that it could. In 2013 I had a bunch of amorphous things I wanted to change about my life, which writing about had the effect of glomming all together in one thing: the problem, which I decided was me, because back then I shrunk my world a little smaller each day. It didn’t feel like I was doing that at the time, because I was accumulating this giant mass of text which I unconsciously decided was more ‘factually real’ than I was, and for about five years the mass and me both felt like unsolvable problems. For someone who has considered herself to be pretty self-aware, in the years following my little liveblog experiment, it was humbling to discover I was just using surface-level self-awareness as ‘cool shades’ for all of the stuff underneath to which I’ve been pretty close to blind.
Mostly I’m curious about what it would be like if I tried to dedicate some energy to a focused writing project again. I’m more than a little stuck, creatively, and often feel like my writing/past was a huge mistake. This is a feeling more than it is a thought, so it’s harder to change. But maybe if I bring the feeling up to the level of thought I could open up a little. My life has changed significantly in some ways since 2013, and I have a little too, but I don’t really know how or in what ways. Those seem like three decent reasons to try liveblogging again. I guess four, because…well. I forget how many reasons I’ve said so far. Really I just like the idea of trying something again that I’ve, for the most part, unquestioningly dismissed. Also the corona virus is making it easier for everyone to not leave their homes for a while, and I’ll be working from home, and I’ll be a little lonelier and will have some more time.
I didn’t say that I thought I’d only try liveblogging for a week, in 2013, but that’s what I originally envisioned. I’m working on setting healthy boundaries now. So: I intend to only liveblog for a week. I’m not going to say ‘I will type everything I think/feel/say/do’ because I learned that is impossible. I’m not going to lie–or if I do, I’ll say when I did–but I’m going to withhold some things at my discretion. Haha. Or like. I don’t know, this feels excessive…uh: to make up for all foreseeable withholding, I’ll try to be more honest about things I wasn’t completely honest about, back in 2013.
**EDIT: liveblog became too large for tumblr to show as one continuous document on may 6. here are the archived pages, will be archiving every four days:
MARCH 17, 2020 - MARCH 20, 2020
MARCH 21, 2020 - MARCH 24, 2020
MARCH 25, 2020 - MARCH 28, 2020
MARCH 29, 2020 - APRIL 1, 2020
APRIL 2, 2020 - APRIL 5, 2020
APRIL 6, 2020 - APRIL 9, 2020
APRIL 10, 2020 - APRIL 13, 2020
APRIL 14, 2020 - APRIL 17, 2020
APRIL 18, 2020 - APRIL 21, 2020
APRIL 22, 2020 - APRIL 25, 2020
APRIL 26, 2020 - APRIL 29, 2020
APRIL 30, 2020 - MAY 3, 2020
MAY 4, 2020 - MAY 7, 2020
MAY 8, 2020 - MAY 11, 2020
MAY 12, 2020 - MAY 15, 2020
MAY 16, 2020 - MAY 19, 2020
MAY 20, 2020 - MAY 24, 2020
MAY 25, 2020 - MAY 28, 2020
12:55pm: woke ~10:30am. i’ve been working on training modules for crisis textline and changed into running gear and did some light ‘last bits of apartment-cleaning’ stuff. i forget if i said, but i’m not going to be updating from june 2 - 14 and june 21 - july 5. will have houseguest, and then i’ll be being a houseguest
thursday i had long-distance movie night, we watched ‘house’
friday jordo came to hang and we went for a run and got chipotle
wednesday i had the play at ash & joey’s
yesterday i kind of took the day off, did some leisurely grocery shopping/enjoyed being out and about
nic and i might be facetiming at 2, haven’t heard back yet
monday and tuesday…wow. i mean. wow
that’s really what the order of my week feels like: thursday, friday, wednesday, saturday, today, monday/tuesday/[some amount of time as one day]
have been texting sweet funny things with mom, i never updated about that…about the tense conversation we had…the whole thing was resolved
george floyd stuff is insane
the world is still insane and getting insaner
i have some ideas on how to change it
i thought liveblog 2 would be ‘my next big writing project’ but it seems like something else is taking shape
worked a little on the something else yesterday
i feel like i don’t have enough time to do anything
like my thoughts are being pulled in many directions
i’d like to say i’m a little stressed out about not completing fun projects and not updating liveblog
i think it’s leftover from marriage…the ‘non-completion of fun projects’ directly correlated to some un-great dynamics
i think i don’t need to stress about this
MY GOALS FOR THE WEEK (I DON’T KNOW IT SEEMS GOOD TO TRY THIS OUT):
-do 2ish hours of training every day
-read 2ish hours every day
-be open to things changing a little with another person here/open to adapting to googly eyes
areudirty
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
blakekathryn
kianamaiart
izzy806
