Everyone Knows I'm In Over My Head @thewakingconscience-blog - Tumblr Blog

Really Local: What's happening IRL?

#satire #the onion #really local #wicked local #news

BREAKING NEWS: Local Shelter Capturing and Killing City’s Homeless

BOSTON, MA

Local volunteers in Boston have been ‘cleaning up the streets’ this year and capturing the city’s homeless, with shelter numbers rising by the dozens each week.

The Barbara Homeless Shelter is home to hundreds of ‘guests’. Volunteers believe they’re “better off in here, than out there.” The homeless guests are given a cage and a bed, and fed a breakfast, lunch and dinner that are, “good enough,” says shelter owner, Barbara Robinson.

We asked Robinson what she thought about the shelter’s rising numbers: “Actually, it’s not a good thing. At this point, the shelter’s been getting a bit overpopulated. We don’t have enough room for everyone.” How she’s handling this issue may surprise you: “If a guest has stayed for a while and hasn’t been able to find a home, we give them a lethal injection - pentobarbital. We usually issue about a seven per week.” We asked the shelter owner if guests have a say in the injection: “Well, we tell them it’s just a routine flu shot,” she said with a guilty look in her eye.

So you’re lying to them?

"That’s correct."

A lethal injection? Why don’t they just let them back out into the streets? “A couple of reasons. One: They’ll inevitably die out there. And two: The streets will be overpopulated.”

Is this legal? "It’s for a good cause."

This shelter left us with many questions: Is setting the homeless free really a death sentence? Why is it better to die in there, than in the streets? Are you really saving them, or are you trapping them?

Volunteers refused further questioning, and the homeless couldn’t speak; only bark.

reallylocal

BREAKING: Plymouth Man Reports That He Posted A Shirtless Photo And A Handful of Unfunny Pictures Today Because He Was “Just Bored”

Plymouth, MA

"The darnedest things us humans do when we’re bored," he laughed, "I didn’t actually care to post any of those things or expect any likes or comments in return… I was simply bored. That’s it."

He added that he did get a few likes on that one photo of him holding a slice of bread (shown below), but that “didn’t really matter” to him anyway.

Photo the local Plymouth man claims got “a few likes”

reallylocal

BREAKING NEWS: Jeff Dunham to Release New Joke

LAS VEGAS, NV

Loyal fans of the comedic genius that is Jeff Dunham are in for a treat this fall, as the hysterical ventriloquist has announced that a new joke is in the works: “Comedy Central gave me a big budget and told me to come up with a new joke. I’ve been working on it for quite some time… and I’m honestly really proud of it. I think it’ll get a few laughs,” he told the press. He announced the release date as some time this November, with pre-order date on October 13th.

When asked if he’d allow reporters a sneak peak, (or an ‘inside’ on the joke, if you will), he declined, saying that they’ll “just have to wait for the teaser to be released in late October.”

Also promising a new joke this fall is Blue Collar Comedy, a group consisting of Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White. The question on everyone’s minds: which joke should we be more excited for?

reallylocal

BREAKING NEWS: Plymouth Resident Catches Ebola By Looking At Online Photo of Ebola Victim

Plymouth, MA

The local resident, an 18 year old male, claims he caught the infamous virus simply by seeing an online picture of someone plagued with Ebola.

He warns people not to search for any articles on the virus because Ebola is “more infectious than we previously thought,” and “the risk is simply too high.”

The Ebola victim has since hired a lawyer, and his Will is currently in the works. So sad.

In the passed 2 weeks I've been called ugly by several people, several times. At least once a day. And usually I'll just ignore it, but it's getting to the point where it's just annoying, and it's surprising people suddenly think it's okay. I didn't know people could be so rude. I can handle it, but it kinda ruins my day that someone finds me that unattractive that they must point it out to my face. Maybe it's effects of stress or maybe I just look awful all the time, but I just want to go through a day without worrying about how I look.

memewhore

traviolet-deactivated20171119

fencehopping

Chameleon hatching

dekutree

humans are fucking pathetic look at this little nigga come out of his egg on his own no crying no helpless “wah wah cut my umbilical cord” bullshit he come out and he already on the hunt for reptilian pussy no fear no games. and we’re the evolved species? smh

all-ya-need-is-luv

Omg ^^^

gordonramsaygifs

zackisontumblr

do dogs think in barks

I just spent $500 on Amazon for a wireless printer and a Samsung Galaxy Note 8.0. Now I just need a new phone (I've decided on the Moto X), a bike, and housing reservations, then I'll be all set for BSU.

Technology is expensive.

tvpixels

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists Discover That All Science Is Actually Fake

SILICON VALLEY, CA -- Using the scientific method, scientists found out that all of 'that cool, fun science that we all know and love' is actually fake and we 'just made it up as we went along'. There's actually no evidence for any of the studies ever conducted, and all results were merely 'theoretical coincidences'.

One frustrated scientist commented, "You see, the universe does have a bottom, and we're all falling to it. We just don't notice it cause everything else is also falling at the same rate, 5000m/s (the universe's terminal velocity). One day, (probably in a really, really long time, like 12 years or something), everything is going to hit the bottom and just splatter everywhere, kind of like a water balloon falling off the empire state building onto a cement sidewalk. So why does anything we do matter? No one's gonna be left to remember it."

His colleague then responded, "But we don't actually know that, remember?"

"Shit," he replied. Since the groundbreaking study, mathematicians have used calculus to find that math 'doesn't actually matter' and it "stopped working a long, long time ago. We just didn't want to admit it."