Really Local - What's happening IRL?

What's happening IRL?

[reallylocal]

Top 5 Penis Growth Secrets

Ever wonder about your penis size and how it can change? Doctors will HATE you after reading these 5 BIG secrets.

1. Mark from Idaho (25)

"Whenever I see a beautiful woman, especially with large breasts, I start to think about the possibilities of future intimacies with such a creature, and my phallus expands by about one and a half to maybe two inches, I’d say."

2. Glen from Minnesota (34)

"After being outside on a cold day, and my little man is all shriveled up like a raisin, I like to go inside and sit by the fire and feel it thicken between my thighs."

3. Jacob from New Jersey (12)

"I was in math class the other day and Mrs. Sandbury called me up to write a problem on the board, but I looked down and my penis was suddenly trying to poke its way through my jeans. It was very hard, and I was really embarrassed. What do you do in that situation?"

4. Paul from Oklahoma (20)

"When my roommate’s out at class, and I’m all alone, I get a rush of adrenaline with the thought of all the freedom that I have. Then I just beat my monster cock like I want its lunch money."

5. Bill from Maryland (41)

"Over the past couple of months, I’ve been developing this fungal infection all over the shaft of my penis, and none of the creams or ointments seem to be working. I think there’s also some kind of fleshy growth under the foreskin as well. It’s probably best I’d see a doctor"

[reallylocal]

Facebook to Add New "Saw that you saw" Chat Feature

When Facebook introduced the Seen feature in 2012, people felt like their privacy had been violated. Their short conversations became awkward; they wanted it removed. But after a few months of adjusting to the new feature, users got used to it and embraced it. Now its been imitated by other messaging apps like Snapchat and Kik.

At a recent press conference, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg pitched an extension to that feature to notify users that the person they're messaging saw that they saw their message.

For example, if you message someone "Hi" and they see it, under it, on your end, will read: Seen,as usual. And on the other end, it will read: Saw that you saw. It's similar to messaging the person that you saw that they saw your message, except Facebook does it for you.

"It's a motive to continue the conversation," says Zuckerberg. "It makes things less awkward on both ends." As with any change, Zuckerberg expects immediate disapproval, but people will "just end up getting used to it."

The Saw that you saw feature will be released to users at random throughout the month, and data will be collected on whether or not this feature promotes longer conversations. If data shows any positive correlation whatsoever, it'll be released to all users by December 1st.

[reallylocal]

"CatDog" Spin-Off To Air In Fall of 2015

After seeing the Human Centipede, CatDog creator, Peter Hannan, was inspired to make a spin-off of the popular TV show (1998-2005). "Remembering CatDog defines whether or not someone is a 90’s kid," says Hannan. "It’s a voice for a whole generation."

In the spin-off series, CatDog has been split at the center, and reattached, 'ass to mouth' so-to-speak, like in the Human Centipede. "The show would revolve around the comedic misfortune of being a cat with a dog biting your ass - kind of like a tick or a hemeroid," Hannan explains. When asked if it'd be as gruesome and gross as the Human Centipede, Hannan responded: "CatDog never pooped anyway so I don't forsee that being a problem."

He pitched the idea to Nickelodeon, saying, “It’d be directed towards its old fans. A lot of them watched the show while they were in elementary or middle school, and now they’re all in high school or college - so they like this sorta shit.”

Nickelodeon was reluctant about the idea at first, but then remembered it’d fit in nicely with TeenNick around midnight. “Why the fuck not?” said CEO, Nick Cannon. 

The show is currently in pre-production, and set to air next fall.

[reallylocal]

BREAKING NEWS: Obama 'Forgot Where He Put' The Constitution

Cape Cod, MA

President Obama held a press conference at Otis Air National Guard Base, just a day after he arrived for his weekly game of golf on Martha’s Vineyard. His announcement was shocking: he has in fact lost the Constitution of the United States.

"Before I left Washington on Saturday, I checked the Constitution out of the Library of Congress for some light in-flight, easy-reading. I must have left it on Air Force One after I landed." Flight attendants on Air Force One have checked the plane thoroughly, but the Constitution has not turned up.

The president offers his sincerest apologies for losing it, and hopes that Congress won’t charge him for the lost document. “I forgot where I put it.”

A spokesperson for the Library of Congress released a statement saying, “It is under strict enforcement that anyone who checks out any book or document and loses or damages it, will be required to pay for it. So yes, the President will have to pay a fee for losing the Constitution.” The Library of Congress issued a bill for Obama, with “NO VETO” stamped at the top in red, to make it clear that its mandatory.

After receiving the bill, President Obama wrote a letter to Chinese President, Xi Jinping, asking for a loan to pay it.

Meanwhile, America has fallen into a state of national anarchy. Silly Obama!

[reallylocal]

UN to Remove World Borders by 2018

New York, NY

In an effort to unite all of humanity as one, and enforce world peace, the UN is planning to remove all borders by 2018. "It's a difficult thing to do; a lot of labor goes into it," Barrack Obama told reporters. "The borders took thousands of years to lay down, and our goal is to pick it up ASAP."

British Prime Minister, David Cameron, (not to be confused with the film director, James Cameron), informed us that "The UN's construction team is currently working around the clock to remove the border between the US and Canada." He estimates they'll be finished by late November, but by now, people should have no trouble travelling between Maine and New Brunswick. "We’re looking for more volunteers to pick up the one between Russia and China. Any and all help is greatly appreciated!"

China also expresses its support for the UN's project: "The big challenge here is to keep this a secret from Kim Jong-un. That's it." Rumor has it that Kim Jong-un is currently trying to teach himself English to see what the UN is up to. "We might just kill him, honestly," says China.

France is especially ecstatic: "Let's get this thing goin'!" And Spain reportedly smiled and nodded when France broke them the news, "¡Si!"

[reallylocal]

Local Virgin Has Sex Again

Springfield, MA

This weekend, a local virgin, Kyle Shwartz, got it in again! Friends were thrilled to see the text at 2 AM this morning saying, "Dude, I did it! I lost my virginity!" With a follow-up text: "She was so hot! I fuckin' did it!"

This is Kyle's twelfth at-bat and third home run this year, and his v-card is finally gone!

Congratulations, Kyle!

[take-49-blog]

[reallylocal]

Planters Now Selling "Nut Sacks"

NEWS IN BRIEF

That's right. Planters is now selling nut sacks! No, it's not just a classic, old-style, brown back of peanuts; it's a sack of mixed nuts in a goodie bag, labelled "Nut Sack."

It's not yet determined how closely the Nut Sacks will resemble a human scrotum, but in our opinion, the more it resembles this (pictured below), the better:

[reallylocal]

Brainwashed College Student Perfectly Okay With College Expenses

Bridgewater, MA

College is expensive; everyone knows that. From tuition to room and board, dorm maintenance to meal plans, the costs can add up quick. But for a local student at Bridgewater State University, "it's actually not that bad."

She says that the classes she's taking, including her First Year Seminar on Twilight Zone, will eventually pay off in the end, and get her an "okay job." And room and board is really "not that expensive, compared to paying a mortgage."

When asked about the food, she said it was sub-par, but that's expected when it's only $2,000 per semester. And when only $200 of that is Dining Dollars, it's still understandable, because "Meal Swipes are good too."

At press time, she noted that she did get a bill for collective dorm maintenance costs at the end of the month, including $25 for cleaning up a noodle out of a bathroom sink and $40 for cleaning up spilled Gatorade. But these costs seemed "fair" to her and she assured us that the Resident Housing Association "knows what they're doing."

[reallylocal]

Obama Refusing To Cure Cancer

We all know someone that has battled cancer, whether they have won, lost, or if they're still going through it. With each and every presidential election, the Medical Rights Institution (MRI), hopes to elect a president that's caring enough to finally find a cure.

Recently, the president's healthcare program, ObamaCare, has offered a new hope for those unable to pay costly hospital bills. However, when our reporters asked him whether he'd cure cancer while in office, he said, "I simply do not have the skills to do that."

Given such power, it's absolute bullshit that our own president can't even find a cure for a disease that plagues thousands of Americans each year; some of which who even voted for him in the 2008 and 2012 elections.

At press time, Obama dismissed reporters' questions, saying, "I'm just not the person to ask."

It's a shame that our president, first giving us hope for change and affordable health care, can't even try to find a cure for one of the worst terminal illnesses in America. Maybe in 2016, we'll elect someone with a heart.

[reallylocal]

BREAKING NEWS: Plymouth Resident Catches Ebola By Looking At Online Photo of Ebola Victim

Plymouth, MA

The local resident, an 18 year old male, claims he caught the infamous virus simply by seeing an online picture of someone plagued with Ebola.

He warns people not to search for any articles on the virus because Ebola is "more infectious than we previously thought," and "the risk is simply too high."

The Ebola victim has since hired a lawyer, and his Will is currently in the works. So sad.

[reallylocal]

BREAKING NEWS: Local Shelter Capturing and Killing City's Homeless

BOSTON, MA

Local volunteers in Boston have been ‘cleaning up the streets’ this year and capturing the city’s homeless, with shelter numbers rising by the dozens each week.

The Barbara Homeless Shelter is home to hundreds of ‘guests’. Volunteers believe they’re “better off in here, than out there.” The homeless guests are given a cage and a bed, and fed a breakfast, lunch and dinner that are, “good enough,” says shelter owner, Barbara Robinson.

We asked Robinson what she thought about the shelter’s rising numbers: “Actually, it’s not a good thing. At this point, the shelter’s been getting a bit overpopulated. We don’t have enough room for everyone.” How she’s handling this issue may surprise you: “If a guest has stayed for a while and hasn’t been able to find a home, we give them a lethal injection - pentobarbital. We usually issue about a seven per week.” We asked the shelter owner if guests have a say in the injection: “Well, we tell them it’s just a routine flu shot,” she said with a guilty look in her eye.

So you’re lying to them?

"That’s correct."

A lethal injection? Why don’t they just let them back out into the streets? “A couple of reasons. One: They’ll inevitably die out there. And two: The streets will be overpopulated.” 

Is this legal? "It's for a good cause."

This shelter left us with many questions: Is setting the homeless free really a death sentence? Why is it better to die in there, than in the streets? Are you really saving them, or are you trapping them?

Volunteers refused further questioning, and the homeless couldn’t speak; only bark.

[reallylocal]

BREAKING: Plymouth Man Reports That He Posted A Shirtless Photo And A Handful of Unfunny Pictures Today Because He Was "Just Bored"

Plymouth, MA

"The darnedest things us humans do when we're bored," he laughed, "I didn't actually care to post any of those things or expect any likes or comments in return... I was simply bored. That's it."

He added that he did get a few likes on that one photo of him holding a slice of bread (shown below), but that "didn't really matter" to him anyway.

Photo the local Plymouth man claims got "a few likes"

[reallylocal]

BREAKING NEWS: Jeff Dunham to Release New Joke

LAS VEGAS, NV

Loyal fans of the comedic genius that is Jeff Dunham are in for a treat this fall, as the hysterical ventriloquist has announced that a new joke is in the works: "Comedy Central gave me a big budget and told me to come up with a new joke. I've been working on it for quite some time... and I'm honestly really proud of it. I think it'll get a few laughs," he told the press. He announced the release date as some time this November, with pre-order date on October 13th.

When asked if he'd allow reporters a sneak peak, (or an 'inside' on the joke, if you will), he declined, saying that they'll "just have to wait for the teaser to be released in late October."

Also promising a new joke this fall is Blue Collar Comedy, a group consisting of Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White. The question on everyone's minds: which joke should we be more excited for?