I know I donât have any followers at the moment, but I thought I would write this now because it has been on my mind all day. And Iâm not trying to sound narcissistic when saying this, but I have been thinking about me, and where I was a year and two years ago. (This isnât the whole story, itâs just the stuff that I am most comfortable sharing right now)
In eighth grade I entered a really dark place that is so hard to explain. I basically felt unwanted, and like trash, and just something that is worthless. It was hard for me to go to school and be with these people and be ânormalâ around them, because I felt so abnormal when I was with them. They would say we are âfriendsâ but in reality, they were my bullies, my demons. They had led me to this dark place. I know I should have just left, but I couldnât. I didnât know anybody else, and I have known these people since elementary school. I didnât have the guts to stand up for myself, to save myselfâŚso instead I fell down hard, and I am to this day still trying to recover from that fall.
Because of these dark times, I changed, a lot. I started wearing more black, started being more sarcastic and bitchy, and just a quiet person in general. On top of that, I had to make sure no one saw my cuts⌠I had unfortunately did one of the worse things you could do (in my opinion) and that is to harm yourself. I continued this for almost a year. I never thought that the problem could be solved by just leaving, so I stayed with my demons and continued âliving.âÂ
But last year I lost my best friend, I was so devastated hoping I would find kinds and hugs from my âfriendsâ but I didnât⌠I found loneliness⌠So on February 12, 2014 at 11:36 pm, I almost took my life away⌠Somehow I didnât swallow the dozen of pills that I held in my hand. I just cried all night long instead and woke up the next morning, got dressed and went to school as if nothing happened. After that night, I decided to âkillâ my demons. I and another friend were done with this people and left. (Of course I had a class with them so I didnât really leave them fully) I was just done with how they treated me and how they acted as though I wasnât as smart as them.
I still deal with my demons when I see them at school, but I donât have sorrow or fear or them, I hate them, I know without them I am a better person. Yes I may have scars, but they are my battle wounds. I may not be open about them or make some stupid excuse for them but I know what they are and what they mean. They mean I survivedâŚ
Now to the point of this rant/story, donât fucking do what I did! Donât take a blade and swipe across your wrist or take a lighter and burn yourself. You are worth so much more. Even though it may not seem like it now, in ten years you could be with someone that makes you so fucking happy and you have kids that love you so much. I know I will have to continue facing what I have done for the rest of my life and I know that I will make sure that my kids will never do that, because I know what it is like, I know the pain. Because of that choice I made two years ago, Iâm still living with it, Iâm still trying not to harm myself because I know I wouldnât be able to control myself if I do.Â
So please donât harm learn from my mistakes and stand up to your demons, because they are not as scary as they seem to beâŚ
titsay
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