Beautiful Chaos ♔

Patricia | 29 | Pessimist | Belle âme No Regrets, Just Love ♥ 

[remanence-of-love]

[remanence-of-love]

[thewanderlustbella]

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Posted few days late because I’ve been sick but I’m a little bit better now, physically. I had sore throat and also lost my voice, that happened to me a long time ago because I don’t usually lose my voice but since we’ had a very cold holiday season I think my body wasn’t really fond of the cold weather. Anyway, another year has passed and as always I feel like I did not do much in 2022. Let me list a few things I still remember that happened:

- Saydie celebrated her first birthday with us. <3

- I had an early regularization last April something to celebrate.

- Got scammed by someone from a staycation group in facebook. :(

- Booked a 3 days/2 nights in a hotel after and had a really good time.

- Had a despedida meet up with someone really close to me.

- Met with a stranger and uhm.... (yikes this is a shit move and I regret it) 

- Had a little accident that brought me to the ER. I got my hand stabbed. 

- Got myself fooled by the person I’ve been into for several years. I bought him goodies from Nike and Uniqlo for his birthday.

- Got fooled again my the same man by leaving me alone at 3 am and asked me for his cab fare. 

- Did nothin on my birthday because it was election season and everyone’s busy.

- Finally travelled again after years of pandemic, being in the airport felt so nostalgic. 

- Met with my high school friends. 

- Signed up for a gym subscription valid for 1 year worth 2500 pesos a month.

- Got scammed again by having a trainer worth 10,800 pesos that did nothing to my fitness journey at all. 

- Entertained someone from the past that I should not be talking to. 

- Went out with him a lot of times. :( 

- Had to courage to let him go but cried and realized I can’t.

- Went to a bar and got drunk but had the best time of my life!!!

- Had my hair cut short.

- Signed up for a 1 day dance class and met Toni Sia. 

- Went on a ride to Antipolo and Tanay. 

- Spent a LOT of money in Shopee :( 

- Supported my Dad in his singing contest journey which he won 1st place. Yaay!

- Went to a staycation with my friends and got drunk. Best time ever!

- Went out with my colleagues for the first time and had some drinks.

- Tried a lot of samgyeup restaurants with my bestfriends.

- Attended our company Year End Party for the first time and saw Ban&Ben 

- Went to Ben&Ben’s Homecoming Concert

- Went to the bar again and met a few people <3 

- Bought shoes for someone. :( 

- Listed our Land Cruiser on market place. :( 

That pretty much sums up my 2022 which leads me to the fact that I’ve been scammed and fooled several times last year. This year I have high hopes that I will finally wake up and let go of the people I should be letting go. Hopefully, pay all my debts as well and save up for the future. I’m turning 28 this year and wala pa rin akong nagagawang matino sa buhay ko. I wish and hope that the universe will let me win this year. 

[picsandquotes]

I wish I could go back to the day I met you and just walk away. Because honestly it would’ve saved me so much hurt and pain.

(via picsandquotes)

[1anonyymous1]

mental health status: need to look at the sea for hours and stay quiet

[remanence-of-love]

[thewanderlustbella]

This too shall pass

Day 2 of crying over someone who showed me how it feels like to be loved. It’s really hard to let go of your greatest love ‘no? I experienced a lot of firsts with him that’s why it’s so hard for me to let go but it’s the right thing to do. He was never mine to begin with. I took the risk of letting him go back in to my life. Alam ko naman masasaktan ako pero sumugal pa rin ako. What hurts the most are the memories that I will forever cherish. I was a my happiest when I was with you. Pinaramdam mo sakin kung paano mahalin at ang sarap-sarap palang mahalin. I experienced all the love languages with you but at the end of the day, we both know that this won’t last. Tinapos ko na habang maaga pa kahit mahal na kita at ang sakit-sakit kasi habang buhay ko na lang maaalala lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Mami-miss kita, sobra. Gusto ko maging masaya ka kahit hindi ako yung kasama mo. Gusto kong makita kang nanalo sa lahat ng pagsubok ng buhay. I will always be your silent fan cheering up for you. 

I love you so much that I have to let you go. 

Talo na naman ako love, ano kayang feeling ng manalo naman? 

[remanence-of-love]

[thewanderlustbella]

Talo na naman tayo

09/07/22

Talo na naman ako. Hindi ko ba deserve na mahalin? na ipagmalaki? Forever na lang ba ko magse-settle? Will ever get to experience being loved unconditionally? Tina-try ko naman yung best ko. I’ve been giving all the love that I have to the wrong people, I end up getting drained. Nakakapagod. Pakiramdam ko hindi ko na yun mararamdaman. Hindi iguro talaga ako deserving to that kind of love. Dapat by now tanggap ko na yun eh. Umiiyak na naman ako habang pauwi. Ilang beses ko nang nagawa yun pero hanggang ngayon ganon pa rin yung sakit. Hintayin ko na lang siguro talagang mamatay ako. Sana naman medyo dramatic para may thrill naman buhay ko. Boring naman kung sa sakit ako mamamatay. Lord pwede mag-request? Pwede ba yung biglaan? Para may gulat factor. Thank u po. 

[thewanderlustbella]

It all ends well.

I’m finally choosing myself. I wonder why it took me this long to see my worth. It took me 7 years of settling for not even a bare minimum. It was not fun and I realized that all the ill feelings that I felt such as thinking that I’m not worthy, The convenient girl and the girl who always say yes was all because of what I’ve been through the past 7 years. I kept on justifying him even if my mind always disagree with my heart. I’ve been blind to all the red flags in front of me. Sometimes I still think of all the time and money I wasted for someone who just brought trauma and damage in to my life and what’s worst is I need a long time to heal. The last card was when we met in the middle of the night and after meeting up with him, he just left me like a garbage at 3 in the morning. He didn’t even think twice and had the guts to ask taxi fare from me. I was left alone at 3 am in the middle of somewhere waiting for a cab. I paid for everything that night. I was so ashamed of myself. What did I do to deserve that kind of treatment? I did not cause any pain to him, why was it so easy for him to treat me as a trash? He was already giving me mixed signals but I ignored it, maybe I was really at fault. I let him treat me that way, I let him hurt me so bad. It was traumatic, he kept on asking me to video chat with him just for him to jerk off in front of me. I never knew I was that stupid to do whatever he wants. I made a fool of myself running away at nights without my parents knowing just to be with him. He was manipulative and gas lights me most of the time. He tricked me by telling me he wanted me to get pregnant with his child, to build a family and I thought that was normal, that he was being sweet. I was disgusted, I don’t want to have a child with a manipulative, immature jerk who doesn’t have plans with his life. After nights of contemplating about life, I finally decided to cut all the communication with him. This is the first step of me choosing myself. I finally learned that the universe won’t give me the love I deserve if I kept on holding on to him. This will be the last post in my space about him. I never want to cross path him anymore. Maybe, I don’t deserve the right kind of love. Maybe love is not really for me. 

[remanence-of-love]

[remanence-of-love]

[thewanderlustbella]

Happy Birthday

Hi,

Happy Birthday! I’m one day early because I’m still contemplating if I will greet you tomorrow. I’m thinking of greeting you for the last time so I can finally let you go. I originally plan to write a goodbye greeting for you but guess what? You sent me dm asking me to go out. You can’t imagine how happy I was when I read your message. I even had to make excuses again just to go out in that morning when I jut got off from work I didn’t even sleep yet. It was different from the other times I was with you. I felt at ease, happy and vulnerable at the same time. You were hugging me most of the time and I can’t even look at you in the eyes but you? you were consistent in looking into my eyes as if you’re looking for something. You just hugged me while you were sleeping, the whole damn time that you were sleeping, as if you don’t want me going anywhere. We did it twice, and in that both times it was my best. All the things you said are still on my mind. I finally had the courage to take pictures with you and you even joked about posting it on my Instagram stories lol do you even think I care? I actually want to do that but of course I won’t tell you that. I just can’t forget how your face looked like when we were about to reach our peak and when you did, you stayed there hugging me and you took a deep breath. You were so touchy kissing my shoulders caressing me and tell me how the hell I can stop falling harder when you just did that? You’re all I think about everyday when I wake up in the morning and before I sleep. I kept on asking God that sana, sana ibigay ka na nya sakin. Ubos na ko, I’m willing to give everything to you and I don’t even know if you will do the same. I kept on settling for your mixed signals when all you can give to me is the bare minimum. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, kahit gaano kadaming red flags ipakita mo sakin ikaw at ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko. Mahal, pagod na ako pero patuloy ko pa ring tinutuloy ang alam kong walang kasiguraduhan, ikaw at ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko ano man ang mangyari. 

[thewanderlustbella]

Some weekend update

This weekend has been a roller coaster. A lot f things happened, I got scammed by someone from Staycation Group in facebook. I just wanted to book a place where I can be alone. I’ve always wanted to try living alone and since my parents were in Quezon this weekend, it was the perfect timing. I had to think of a plan b, I booked a hotel room for 2 nights at Red Hotel. The experience was fun and having the room all to myself was my favorite part. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with my family but sometimes I want my alone time. To the person who scammed me, he karma has a list of people she’ll drop by. This weekend also made me realized that I should know my worth. I can’t believe I settled for less again just because of him. Yeah sure it was fun but when we parted ways, It slowly sank in, how I made myself stupid for the nth time. I should stop making excuses for him just to validate my feelings. He’s a major red flag but it seems like I’m color blind. This is his last chance, I would stop any connection I have wit him. I deserve better, I’ve been working my ass off not to settle to a guy who doesn’t even give me the bare minimum. This is the last time. 

[thewanderlustbella]

Ikaw pa rin..

Ang pipiliin kong mahalin sa susunod na habang buhay. 

Kahit anong gawin ko ikaw at kaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko, ayoko man pero puso ko na yung paulit-ulit na sumisigaw na kahit gaano kasakit, ikaw pa rin talaga. Ilang taon na yung lumipas bakit hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin kita kayang pakawalan? Ilang gabi na kitang pinagdasal, ilang gabing iniyakan at ilang gabing inalala lahat ng nakaraan ngunit hanggang ngayon matindi pa ring nakakapit sa ideya na baka pwede naman? baka mapakinggan? o baka magbago pa ang isipan at ako ay makita naman. Hanggang kailan ipipilit? Hanggang kailan aasa? Napapagod rin naman ako pero yung puso ko, hindi ako sigurado. Ano man ang lagay ko, ano man ang pinagdadaanan ko ang puso ko maninitiling sayo. Sa susunod na habang buhay, ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko. 

[thewanderlustbella]

The Sad Reality of Life

There will really be nights when you will suddenly feel sad ‘no? My college friend just posted an Instagram Story, photo of us when we were still in college. She’s about to go back here in the Philippines on April and I just discovered that she’s already engaged. She will come home together with her fiance. Two of my college friends also have their own family na and I’m still here alone. I just felt a  sudden pang of sadness. Even if I don’t want to feel envious of them, I can’t help but still ask myself or God “When will be my time?” Am I gonna be third wheel forever and spend the rest of my time alone. Ayoko man maramdaman pero pakiramdam ko napag-iiwanan na ako. They are all moving forward and I’m stil stuck here. 

[thewanderlustbella]

LIFE UPDATE

Helloooo!!! It’s been a while since I posted a blog and reason why is I’m not really feeling myself the past few months because as you guys know, I already resigned from my previous job as a Shift Supervisor. It was a difficult decision to make but I have to finally let go. Starbucks has been so important in my life that it came to a point where my mental health was already sacrificed a lot of times. There were days that my rest days feels like a snap because I was already thinking of my shift the next day. I was supposed to enjoy and rest on my rest days but I was still thinking about work. Don’t get me wrong, those 4 years are so memorable to me. It was my first job, I learned a lot of things not only in my career but also in life. I was able to know my strengths and that I can do so much more. I was promoted after a year and that was the biggest achievement of my life so far. I gained friends who became angels and people who I truly love but the pandemic really affected me and my work. I also did not like the feeling on my last store. That was the turning point that I should really let go of the job that I used to love. The amount of workload also didn’t help, since the manpower was reduced, we had to divide all the work and it was so exhausting. There were times that I was crying while doing my office tasks on closing then cry again when I get home. Imagine doing all of the tasks with a very minimum pay. It was not worth it anymore that’s why I decided to quit. Last April 30 was my last day, it was sad but also satisfying for me. I’ve been unemployed for a couple of months, I know it’s wrong to just quit your job without a back up plan but I really wanted to leave already. During those months that I was unemployed I also suffered from anxiety, constant crying and emotional breakdowns. I felt so useless and has no purpose in life. I was fully aware how my parents had a rough time last June-July because of money and I was so devastated because I can’t help. I’ve been trying to apply to different job offers and to no avail since it’s pandemic, looking for a job was hard. I got several interviews but unfortunately I wasn’t able to get the job because of several reasons like I was not qualified, I lack experience and I failed the assessment. That time All I could think of was how stupid I was. Now, after 5 months of being useless, I finally have a job. I was interviewed last October 8 via phone and also passed the exam. I was so happy that finally I can help my parents already. I’m currently undergoing training and I’m kinda scared and nervous. This field was so far from what industry I’ve been to. This is mostly office work and paperworks but that’s okay, I wanted to change my environment and this is just the first step. I’m also working from home on night shift but the good thing is, I have fixed weekends rest days. SO yeah, I’m excited and looking forward to what this year has in store for me. Wish me luck!