I’ve known him for years, he was my best friend. One night, we were at the park, smoking, just being us. And just for a moment, it felt like nothing else in the world existed. Like two souls had melted into one. There had always been something between us but we never allowed ourselves to speak of it. Until that night, sitting in the front seat of his car.
He was staring at me, so I laughed nervously before asking, “What? Do I have something on my face?” He wasted no time, he looked me right in the eyes and said, “It’s always been you. Since the moment I met you all those years ago, I knew you were going to be it for me.” I was in shock, I didn’t know what to say. So i laughed it off, “seriously?” I asked. “I’ve never been more serious in my life” he said, as he looked down.
I paused, not knowing what to say. It was out of nowhere. Part of me tried to explain it away. Maybe he was just high or his girlfriend was being rude again. Even though I felt the same way, I didn’t think admitting it then was right.
Because the second he said it, reality came rushing back in— our lives, our choices, our partners, everything that was waiting for us outside that moment. We both went quiet after that, trying to figure out how to talk around what had just been said, as if saying anything else could somehow make it less awkward.
We still laughed together for the rest of the night. Kind of like we were trying to hold onto what we’d always been to each other, it seemed better than the thought of losing one another. But something had shifted. After he said that, we both knew we could never go back to the way things were.
I knew it was wrong. He had been my husband’s friend first, he had a girlfriend who i did really like. We were all really good friends, so I didn’t say it back. I couldn’t, saying it back would mean we blow up everything we’ve all built over the last several years.
I had wanted him for all those years, and for whatever reason, he wanted me too. I never expected him to feel the same way. But by the time we finally did admit it, it was too late.
So we let our lives go on instead and stayed friends, sharing stolen glances, inside jokes, all the little things that made me love him more.
And now, after years of saying nothing, the truth had finally come out but at the worst time.
I didn’t want the night to end. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was thinking of what we could’ve been if we had just been honest sooner.
Before I got out of the car, I finally said, “I’ve always wanted you too.” I could hear the smile in his voice when he said “You expect me to let you leave after you tell me something like that?” We then laughed together for a second, somehow we ended up holding hands.
Realizing it was really late, I then stepped out of the car and I could feel him watching me as I walked back into the life I had created for myself.
I love my husband, but I don’t know if I would’ve chosen this life if I’d known he wanted me too.