I’ve not been using this as a place to dump my thoughts because I haven’t felt safe enough to do so, but at this point, I don’t think it matters. If I’m going down this path that involves contact with someone I’ve been scared to be in contact with for various reasons, there isn’t really a point in hiding, is there? I’m horrible at lying and always have been. Simply being in contact in real life will result in my saying things I I probably shouldn’t, anyways, might as well expedite the process because, as we know, I’m really stupid and horribly naive.
Anyways, the last two weeks have been especially rough for me. Really, it’s been more like four. I started a massive split around the first week of November. Fuck, I guess that’s two months LMAO. It’s not been the whole time. I keep going in and out of the split. Something will happen, I am triggered, I lose a little bit of my mind. I kind of realized that work triggers me. I lose my mind if I have my phone handy while at work. Whether it’s me yelling at someone, me egging someone on, or me over sharing, I bust out all the masks while at work. It must be the high stress anxiety that causes it. I don’t even recognize me sometimes. I also realized that every time I go visit with the twins, I’m triggered. My mom revictimizes me every time by treating me like a stranger. Carol would do the same. I’ve been trying really hard the last few weeks to figure out what I need in all aspects of my life. I think the conclusion I’ve come to is that I need to be alone. I need to have time to myself for once in my life. I have never, ever been on my own. I have almost always been the breadwinner, almost always supported myself, but I’ve never been alone. I am starting to think a large part of my personality deficiency is because I’m uncomfortable with myself because I don’t know her. I am an amalgamation of all the friends I’ve had, my family that made me, people I’ve loved, and people I’ve fucked, and I don’t wish to be this anymore. I want to be only myself. I also realized the smallest little things trigger me in my relationship now. Arlindi and I have been working on identifying the small things and have been getting a lot better about talking about them. I used to shut down. I’m trying to be more open. With him and everyone.
I downloaded a bunch of self help tools that I’m going to try and work on. I have a plan to get my license and a car and to get my taxes done so I can get back into school. There are too many moving parts, like always, but I just need to focus on me.
On top of all the splitting and stress and self worth issues I decided to add my ex into the mix, because why the fuck not. It’s not like I had much of a choice. The whole idea made my skin crawl but I thought about it hard and decided it would be the best option to help Ryker carry as little trauma as possible from our failed relationship. After today, I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know who to believe. I don’t know if I can trust myself or my memories and I don’t know if I can trust Jordan to fill in the gaps. I don’t trust that the things I said to him today won’t get back to my family. I am so confused about the past, even more than I was, and I just scoured this fucking blog to get perspective for hours. It helped a little, actually. I made a list of things I need to remember to say to him next time and things I need to remember to ask.
despite all of my mixed emotions, I had a lot of fun today. I didn’t think I was going to. I thought it was going to be awkward or hard or weird, but it wasn’t really. Ryker got to have both of his parents for Christmas and he seemed to be very happy about it and that’s all that matters. Jordan and I got to talk about the past and some trauma. We got to fill each other in on some happenings and I feel like we will be talking about the past for a long while because there is just so mucn. It was cathartic. I just don’t know if I can’t trust him to tell me the truth. I don’t know if we’re playing a game anymore, like before, or if we are being direct and honest and open for real. I want to believe that we can move forward and be kind to each other. I want to believe that the days of us fighting are done. I would talk more about Ryker, but my brain is hurty.
I hate not knowing what to do. I hate being so uncertain all the time and I hate second guessing myself over everything. I am constantly looking at sixteen different possible and completely fleshed out realities and I hate that they’re all happening at once. I hate that I don’t know which one this me is going towards. I hate being this way.
whatever, at least inside the snapshots, inside the compartments in my brain, everything is fine individually. Just try not to look at them all together, otherwise it’ll make you vomit.
Well, my hands hurt from typing. that’s all folks, gonna try and read myself to sleep.
2087
vaporwave
prguitarman
discoholicmusic
