how to take the ielts test in china (for native english speakers).
too multicultural for your own good? can't prove you speak your mother tongue and need a certificate so you can sign your life (and your life savings) away for a year on a master's course in an english-speaking country? we've got ya covered. below, the definitive guide to navigating ielts waters in china.
step one. book your test online. to do this, smear the sacrificial blood of a yunnan virgin on the cave walls of the hell that is ielts.etest.net.cn. steal the purple emerald from the harpies' lair and lay it at the feet of the shifu. cut all your hair off and weave a magic net for catching adverbs in. congratulations, you have successfully registered.
you must now use one of the three payment options available to you to spend the amount you were planning to put towards your future sprogs' trust fund on proving you speak the language you've been nattering away in since you were a tot. none of these options include visa or mastercard, what are you, A FOREIGNER? get with the picture and whip out your bank of china plastic, jackass.
step two. phone up the ielts china hotline, trying to contain your rage when they tell you to get a chinese friend to use their bank card to pay for you. tell them pointedly what you think in a sneering email. read their unhelpful template email response with mounting fury. stew for two days, then give in and get your chinese roommate to pay for your test using zhi fu bao in under 15 minutes. congratulations, you are taking the test in 6 weeks.
test location: bumfuck. cost of test: see above. sorry, kids.
step three. practise describing graphs and diagrams. realize that after over 15 years of formal education, you still haven't quite grasped the water cycle. start reading ielts writing tips on your morning commute. worry about collocations.
step four. show up an hour early on the day. instant fame. eyes follow you like israeli soldiers tracking palestinian children at border patrol. whispers surround you like a magical hair web for catching adverbs.
patiently queue up for your turn to be scanned and questioned about mobile phones. take your seat and try to stop sweating.
step five. take the test. worry about your handwriting. be grateful you practised writing about graphs. overall, this will be the most relaxing part of the process.
step six. when a fellow test candidate asks you the burning question. 'BECAUSE YOU ARE FOREIGNER, SO WHY DO YOU TAKE THIS TEST?', blink a few times in shock and answer politely. 'BUT IN FOREIGN, YOU ALL SPEAK ENGLISH FLUENTLY.' wish him luck and stare at your candidate label. won't someone please think of the the children?
step seven. use as many idioms as possible in your speaking test. smile like a maniac. don't pause for breath. when she says, 'can i ask where you're from?', smile and say, 'i grew up in scotland.' say thank you.
step eight. hightail it out of there like your ass is on fire. congratulations, you speak english.
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