Moor, Glen, Valley, Fen

What happens when a Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff get married and have four kids? Real Hogwarts house interactions from the perspective of four siblings who represent each of the houses. The Real Hogwarts Houses of New Jersey.

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Hufflepuff, to her boyfriend: If cream cheese was a person I probably wouldn't be dating you.

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Father Ravenclaw: Do you know how Ireland got so green?

Slytherin: St. Patrick. He blessed the land by murdering all the druids and watering it with their blood.

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Ravenclaw, Slytherin, and Hufflepuff discussing the subject of favorite siblings:

Hufflepuff: I don't think any of us really have favorites! We all like each other equally!

Slytherin: Well, yeah, we don't have individual favorites. But we do have one collective favorite.

Ravenclaw: Yeah, that's true.

Hufflepuff: What?! What do you mean? No we don't! What are you talking about???

Ravenclaw and Slytherin: It's you, child.

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Slytherin, handing Ravenclaw $20 as they walk into a bookstore: Here, I didn't get you a birthday present yet, so go buy something. Sorry it isn't more thoughtful.

Ravenclaw:..Giving me money and setting me loose in a bookstore is pretty thoughtful.

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Mother Hufflepuff, talking to the dog: You look so despondent...so lonely and bored.

Daughter Ravenclaw: She looks perfectly content...I think you're projecting your own emotions onto her...

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Oh...I'm so tired that I forgot to stop reading.

-Ravenclaw

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Father Ravenclaw: Anything else you want to ask me before I leave?

Daughter Ravenclaw: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Father Ravenclaw: You already know that by now.

Daughter Ravenclaw: But what is the question?

Father Ravenclaw: THAT is the question...

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Hufflepuff: Stop slamming your feet into me.

Ravenclaw: That's called kicking...

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Father Ravenclaw: Sorry I was late for dinner, I was delayed by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Daughter Ravenclaw: I was about to be like ha, good one, but then I realized you probably meant that literally because you've been studying Revelation.

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Ravenclaw: Listen...you never know what might happen tomorrow.

Hufflepuff: So?

Ravenclaw: No that's it, that's the end of the speech.

Hufflepuff: Mkay. Good speech. The best I've heard in a long time. *under her breath* Because all the speeches I've heard lately are from Donald Trump...

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Slytherin: I'll take these secrets to the grave.

Father Ravenclaw: Wouldn't you rather let them go instead of carrying them around with you?

Slytherin: No, secrets have such a nice weight, like a smooth stone in the palm of your hand.

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Daughter Ravenclaw: What games are on today?

Father Ravenclaw: The Vikings are playing the Bears and the Titans are playing the Jaguars...basically, pseudo-mythical humans fighting animals.

Daughter Ravenclaw: Titans aren't human, though...

Father Ravenclaw: Okay, true.

Daughter Ravenclaw: And Vikings aren't mythical!

Father Ravenclaw: Nevermind. I was just trying to pull it all together.

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Ravenclaw: Everything is gross.

Slytherin: Except me.

Hufflepuff: Life is beautiful!

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"Leave me and my fashion sense alone."

-Slytherin

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I'll never be a hipster. Hats make my hair itch.

Father Ravenclaw, walking into the room wearing Slytherin’s beanie.

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*a strange dinging noise echoes through the house*

Mother Hufflepuff, napping on the armchair: What is THAT?!

Slytherin, napping in her room across the house: Santa!

Mother Hufflepuff: None of us have been good this year!

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Slytherin: Man, this trash bag is so heavy.

Mother Hufflepuff: What's in it?

Slytherin: Rocks... maybe my sorrows...