In the retrospection ive been having, i can confidently say one of the worst patterns of behavior i had that ive been slowly chunking away at was the pattern of literally saying/doing horrible shit just to make it so people would hate me. I really had no bounds even just go back a few years. I really, really genuinely wanted people to hate me. And to what end? Just to make it so i could cut everyone off and feel less bad when i eventually ended my life? What a miserable pattern i led.
I think breaking this one open in the past few months really has been one of the biggest advancements in my life. Now i genuinely dont want people to hate me. The only question is if i can make a little life for me now, one haunted by a self hating past but able to see light. I dont know how to make it work, i dont even know if it will, but its not like i have many other choices.
Yeah, im typing this here in the hopes that you see it. I just hope you dont hate me, even though i gave you every reason to. Guess i wont know for sure, but thats okay. Not a day goes past without missing our long conversations, but thats okay. Its okay to miss someone. Its okay to regret. Its okay. Im okay.
I hope im okay.














