Those Things Called Feelings

I'm writing here because my journal got full.

[thingscalledfeelings]

As I listen to “Hairspray!” I realize-fuck now i’m thinking about him again. FUCK YOU!

[thingscalledfeelings]

lol okay so it’s weird how life works...how one day you could be in the darkest of darkest moments, and the next, watching movies, laughing, etc, you get my point. 

I don’t really know how it happens. I don’t like it, either. I wanna be secure;whether that means securely depressed, or securely happy, i’m not sure if it really matters to me right now. Obviously happy would be best but hey, beggars can’t be choosers right?

[thingscalledfeelings]

So many questions...

What does it mean to be passionate? Can being passionate get in the way of productivity? I feel like I used to know what I wanted to do in the world, but not I’m just confused. Sure, making the world a better place is great, but it’s too hard. I won’t be able to get close. Why can’t I just be selfish and do something just for me? Why do I feel like I’m obligated to make a positive impact, and why am I suddenly hesitant to do so?

[thingscalledfeelings]

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

Hi, yes, I know, that last one was a bit of a shit show, sorry. 

I’ve been recently contemplating the emotional strings of high school, and how much shit gets doused onto me on a daily basis. 

For example, while I love being a best friend to one of the most gorgeous girls ever, it gets really fucking tiring. I had to listen to her blab on about whether or not she really wants to make an emotional connection with this guy who is obviously gorgeous and sexy etc. but like, I wish she would just wake up and realize that HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX AND SHE’S NOT GIVING THAT TO HIM SO HE’S FINDING IT ELSEWHERE. Like, they had lunch the other day like “mature friends” whatever the fuck that means, and she wanted to talk about “them” but obviously he just wanted to be the nice guy and show that he is a caring individual. Too bad she’s kinda only into him for his looks. Anyway, she could get whoever she wants.

I know I continue to feel sorry for myself like a fucking pig, but sorry, I kinda feel like I’ve earned the time and space to. How is someone who has no friend group, or guy in their life supposed to know that she’s awesome besides the fact that her therapist and parents have to keep checking up on her, telling her that she’s great just so she doesn’t jump off a bridge or something. #liability. 

Also, I know that looking for affirmation from guys is not a solution cause I’ll always be disappointed, but I really miss the intimate time spent with that other person, whoever it might be. I guess that’s why I’m always looking out for an extra glance from someone. Today, when Ethan looked at me for like two seconds and then said “hey,” that, like, made my day. Especially cause he’s a senior, and you know, older guys...

[thingscalledfeelings]

Men?...?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

I wonder what it’s like to not need sexual affirmation from anyone. Older men, specifically. I’m so lost, that I actually just googled “what to do when you’re attracted to older men.” I found some interesting things. 

I wouldn’t like to say that I’m growing up without a farther figure in my life because that’s not true. His name is Edward. Weird, right? You don’t meet a lot of Edwards these days... Anyway, he’s a middle school teacher (even weirder), and he’s a hipster. That means he smokes, but only cigars, and he drinks, but only wine and scotch. He commutes, but only on his bike (wut), and he definitely does not wear a helmet...his hair would get messed up.

He lives with us, me, my mom, and dad. One fam, right? I don’t understand why I still have a craving for older guys. PLEASE don’t miss-interpret that...I’m REALLY not into old dudes with wrinkles n shit. I’m more of a husky kinda girl. Anyway, Dad’s in my life, and that’s cool, but, I dunno...it’s weird.

I just watched this movie on Netflix called Ask Me Anything. Turns out my life is really a movie...I recommend it for a drunk night in...and don’t forget the lollipops, popcorn, and diet coke. Basically, it’s kinda a shit movie, but Britt Robertson is in it and I’m secretly in love with her. 

 This post is too long. I’m rambling. Let me start over.

[thingscalledfeelings]

Fucking Emotions. Ugh.

over the past two days, I’ve ben contemplating the thoughts that constantly flow through my mind. One of the constant one is just how stupid and immature our grade is. Everything that comes out of their mouthes are superficial and annoying.

I mean, I’m not judging, I’m really not. I I just don’t want to be around that at the moment. What I need is a man. Not some kids. I just want to be able to lie in silence, and have deep intellectual conversations. I want to just feel the things I did with J. I’ve decided to call him J with you all because his privacy is important to me.

But anyway, this trip has been taxing on my emotions. Pulling, tugging, ripping, longing...i long for him. Plus, having a hot teacher doesn’t help either. whatever.

I know I have to focus on the things within myself that I love, but I don’t really want to do that. I want to feel the amazing things that I know are possible. I don’t want to wait.

[thingscalledfeelings]

At the Moment

So I’ve realized that I really don’t like people. I just don’t really like having meaningless conversations. These girls at my school are numb-nuts. They aren’t stupid, they just don’t contemplate the larger picture on a regular basis. I mean, I guess that doesn’t make them ‘numb-nuts,’ maybe just normal. 

I don’t understand why my thoughts always have to have a purpose, or else they feel useless. It’s as if being normal is my worst enemy. Considering the fact that I will never be normal, what is my worst enemy? It could be myself. My dad. My mom. Myself...

Whatever. At the moment, I wanna curl up into a ball and hide from the world. It just feels like images moving really quickly. Or slowly, for that matter...

[blackandwhite-cf]

black and white

[thingscalledfeelings]

The Great Return

So it’s been a while... I’ve been busy. Sorry.

If you asked me a month ago what my biggest fear of the upcoming year was, I’d most likely say something along the lines of, “varsity soccer and having friends.” If you were to ask me now, you’d see a slight change. Now, I have both of those things. I’m on varsity soccer, and I even get to play during the games. I have friends; I can choose whether or not to sit alone or with them during lunch. It’s nice.

Sure, the guys are still complete assfucks, but I can’t change anyone else but myself (and as we all know, that doesn’t do shit).

To be completely honest, which I always am with you all, I am drunk at the moment. It’s a Friday night. I have skating practice at 6am tomorrow. Following that, a varsity game...at home...with people watching... FUCK.

I would say that my biggest fear of the upcoming year is understanding the balance between loving yourself, and wanting to spread that love to the world. The world isn’t ready for it. It needs to take a fucking chill pill. I don’t think being perfect is the solutions to anything. I think having the perfect response can save hundreds of years between the Peoples of the world. That is my goal, but I’m worried that I won’t be physically live to the age of like, idk twenty or thirty something.... Also, I want a boyfriend so badly. But that’s totally not happening anytime soon. Whatever.

[fvsterclvck-deactivated20150605]

I don’t want to be alone.

Jenny Humphrey (Gossip Girl)

[b4kafterijay-deactivated2015073]

[avosoph]

We possibly went a bit overboard with the temporary tattoos but ayyy self soothe instead of self harm!

[thingscalledfeelings]

fucking dope

[meggy-miranda99-deactivated2016]

Stop This Romanticizing Bullshit

(This post may be triggering)

Okay, I’m sick of the romanticizing of self harm, eating disorders, depression, suicide, domestic abuse, substance abuse, anxiety, and all around self hatred. It’s sick. The fact that these issues are sometimes considered “cute” and “tragically beautiful” upsets me in so many ways. Doing drugs isn’t cute. Being in an unhealthy relationship isn’t cute. Eating disorders aren’t cute. Depression isn’t cute. Anxiety isn’t cute. Self hatred isn’t cute.  Stop making it out to be anything but a tragedy. These subjects are real and they hurt.

[fuck-yeah-you]

I’m going to make a they care page. 

Reblog this if:

you want to be part of it

you’re willing to talk to someone out of a possibly bad situation

you DON’T have to be a recovery/support blog but you can NOT post possibly triggering posts frequently.

[thingscalledfeelings]

What a great person, everyone.

[thingscalledfeelings]

How To Ruin Your Life With a Text

so I kinda just ruined my life. 

I sent him this:

do you not give a fuck about my feelings, honestly. the way you’re acting towards me is making me hate you. what the fuck was that tonight. jesus fucking christ i can’t believe that actually happened. You even saw how sad i was. no text, no nothing. just smile along with the girl you’re fucking, and everything’s fine for you. I’m smoking now, u know. and i’m getting high this weekend. im a big girl now. funny thing is, big girls aren’t supposed to cry. i fucking can’t believe you. I’m not saying this to ask for an apology, I just want you to really know what asshole you are. Like you said, you really suck. I don’t know what i ever saw in you. guess i was just so desperate to feel something that wound up hanging around you. Hope you now know how badly you fucked with my head. by the way, what kind of person messes around with a clinically depressed girl you tried to kill herself twice...like seriously, wtf.

[thingscalledfeelings]

You wont believe what I did tonight. Ha. I burned a whole in my skin with matches and a cig. 

I saw him walking by with her. Laughing, smiling, having a blast. He looked at me; dead in the eyes, then continued on with his business.

I fucking hate him.