Think, Drink, and Sink @thinkdrinkandsink - Tumblr Blog

White Roses

It's easy to brazenly show up for life's strife, but equally painless to hide behind unrelenting reservations. To love deeply is second nature, but sometimes there was no heart behind this way of being. I was simultaneously recovering and poisoning myself. I had lived with dedication to changing with reckless abandon, while also destroying things that benefited me. There was a banal thought that existed in my mind - one day, it wouldn't matter anymore. Apathy and ubiquitous cynicism staved off the ability to recognize the truth that I was willfully ignorant of - the truth that you presented to me. Despite the mass measure of tribulations that life gave you and I, the concurrent unfurling of events that lead to our congruence only served to enhance the birth of what we are now. Black roses don't exist in nature, but the beauty that we found in the other's tenebrosity does. You thawed my frozen heart, reawakened my capacity for affection, and gave me all the reasons to believe in purity. You unveiled the light in my perpetual dark, reminding me that you held love for both, never shying away from the fact that there will always be both. When did life become so beautiful? Without a warning, you anesthetized the attachments that I held for melancholic sorrow. You brought a new melody that alleviated these tempestuous tunes - miseries that tied me to this Earth, and simultaneously pushed me closer to its edges. So as I loosen the noose that hangs my perturbed thoughts over me, I smile, knowing that I experienced a profound love that few will ever come across. How do we know that infinity exists? Especially when I always kissed the ocean, Especially when I always chased the horizon, I don't suppose that White Roses could live forever?

The implosion that follows detonation

For the first time in 11 years, I found myself moved by another individual. To experience such certainty for someone, and to have undergone a spectrum of emotions that I've fled from, these past five years, has been nothing short of amazing. And yet - to be utterly destroyed by it, is somehow equally marvelous. It's reawakened a part of me that time had buried away, and it's phenomenal how big of a role pain plays in change. The implosion that follows detonation - it hurts, quite a fucking lot. I've forgotten what it's like to mourn a deluge of tears behind shower stalls. I thought I was stronger. Forgoing all the usual spiel that I'd normally write on here to regain some sense of sanity, it's quite the record that I haven't written in almost a year. It was foolish chasing a shadow. Should I ever come back on here - or more accurately, if I still remain conscious on Earth - this post shall serve as a reminder to never live life like this again. Tonight, the demons won. As for tomorrow? Fuck off. Love is worthless. Let me die, please.

surqrised

“You cannot always be happy but you can always be brave. And that is the beginning of everything.”

— Ariana

Misery, He Wrote

Why would I hold myself back from opening up again? Why starve myself from new experiences? Unexplored territory is what makes life worthwhile, after all. And yet - here I am. I’ve been unable to let anyone in, and I’ve lost track of all the women I’ve denied a right into my heart. No matter how much I’ve tried to open up, these recent experiences prove that there’s still nothing for me to give to anyone. In my attempt to let down my walls for others, I’ve found that they’re still impenetrable. For every heart that I’ve broken, it’s become increasingly difficult to try again. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but it’s inconsequential to the nature of being vulnerable. So much has changed, but the shattered soul remains the same. I tried to meet the world, and it has disappointed me.

Fractal Colors

And the silence of acceptance

Faceless Archives - Joker

About a decade ago, I wrote a poem titled, "Faceless". It was addressed to an anonymous request received on ask.fm. Despite the occasional posts involving a public reveal of my face across the years, I actually quite dislike looking at the camera. There’s a great discomfort in unveiling the eyes. If I could go back, I'd have stayed eyeless and ambiguous for the remainder of my days. Most of the photos above have been archived periodically as I altered my appearance, and this post will probably be the only one left that houses them - a treat to the few who still keep up with me on here. Few, if any, could ever discern this, but the true inspiration behind the style of my shots came from the influences of a burlesque themed circus. I grew up admiring clowns and performers for most of my childhood, so becoming one in esoteric fashion was only a natural step for me. The Joker nickname bestowed by my peers several years ago bore no relation to the DC comics Joker. I encountered a cashier girl a little under a year ago at a burger joint, who genuinely gave an appreciation towards my aesthetic choices, whilst also making it terribly obvious that she was admiring me from afar - I felt seen for who I was. I met her again today and she still recognized me. We don't know the others' names, but we remembered each other despite the time lapse between our meeting. She reminded me of myself - reserved, wide-eyed with unkempt hair, and she sported 16 wonderful ear piercings (4 more than myself). She's one of the few I've encountered whose stare felt soul-piercing. We'll probably never see each other again, and in hindsight, I wish I asked for her name. My propensity for remaining emotionally withdrawn still prevents me from doing so - such is life. Happier days have only come because I've chosen to let go and become invisible every so often. There's nothing for me to prove to anyone anymore, and it's probably the closest to becoming faceless.

Anyway, cue - the intermission:

Farewell, Stardust

I've told myself that I was over it, again and again. But was I really though? I can't say that I’ve let it go with a full heart, until I've faced it head on once more. I finished school, so - I came back. I never believed that I would, but I came back to your city. I had to test my will and see where I stood with my feelings towards you after all these years. All the places that we frequented together were revisited. I found myself fighting every inch of my body to not see you. We’ve both moved on, but the body remembers what the soul refuses to forget. Several times, I almost went out to see you and the family. Somewhere in my mind, I walked up to your door, and nothing good came of it. I’m just an interloper in everyone’s lives. The other night I drove passed the motel where I was supposed to be dead. I laughed at how different things are now. Everything felt like a broken map of memories. I had all the puzzle pieces laid out for me, and recognized most everything that I saw, but I didn’t know where they went anymore. It horrified me at first, but the longer that I sat with it in sorrow, the more that I could see that it’s not as it was. There was a deeply unacknowledged part of me that refused to accept that there still weren't any pieces left of me here, with you. Coming here confirmed that whatever we created together was gone - I closed all the loops. Events that only existed in my head don’t have to replay themselves anymore. Throwing myself into the fire allowed me to get out of it. It's counterintuitive to some, but purposely reopening old wounds was the only way for me to be more content in the long term - probably more than I’ve ever been. It wasn’t a fun trip, but it gave me what I needed. I experienced a deep sadness that reminded me of why I don’t have ties to any of this anymore - at least, not in a way that’ll eat at me in the future. I had to be sure of that. I know that a few things related to you will live inside me forever, but they’ve become so minuscule that I’m not shackled by them. I’ve seen firsthand how dead they are, and that’s really the best that I could hope for. It's probably what you'd hope for as well. Farewell, Stardust

❌⭕️

I'll have a large dish of Self-Punishment, with a side of Donuts

You know, I still have vivid dreams about the family. Sitting together and having a laugh with you has become so unrealistic, that I've developed a knack for controlling the subconscious. The brief moments of delirium used to leave my sheets soaked with depleted tears - it's amazing how much water the human body can excrete. I recall vehemently clutching onto anything to stop the flashbacks from playing out, because I knew what the visions could do to me. I never truly got used to it until just under a year ago. I suppose all my therapists would have called it a moment of delayed processing that was yet to unfold for me. "Dom, it's okay if you still miss them. You have to let these things flow through you, even if they're not in your life anymore." I guess they're right in some respects - it ain't so bad now. I buried everyone away ages ago, and to this day I'll still visit your graves in my mind. I keep wanting to say something to everyone. Each time, I've had to remind myself to let it go. The kids probably don't remember me anymore, and even if they did, I'd half expect them to hate me. I’ve changed my appearance, over and over again - each time, another attempt to accept myself in the mirror. Metaphorically killing myself was the better alternative, over the more permanent choice. The chain of memories used to pull me into an endless loop of static noise. No matter how much I tried to process it all, the mental weakness never allowed me to see it for what it was. These days, they’ll play out in 4K HDR, as I smile back for what it was - for what you and I were. I wonder if the word, Donut, triggers anything for you still. Years were spent fighting anything and everything to survive. The wanton rage that endured was difficult to taper off - punishing myself was the only way that I could cope with our new, individual realities. I was only able to forgive the both of us through the love I received from people I never thought I'd give a fuck about. It's been forever and a day since we chose to walk different roads, forging altered identities. Religion has become a moot point for me these days, but I'll continuously pray that you and your family are getting by. All the best,

Letters from the Unexpected

"Stay hungry, stay motivated and stay focused at the task at hand Dominic. Congratulations on finishing school and wishing your continued success as a professional. Stay in touch and reach out when you need anything! Always here to help!!" "You've been alone for so long Dom, always taking things on by yourself. I can tell that you're enormously strong, because I don't know anyone else who can do what you do after what happened to you behind closed doors. But also - it breaks my heart that you had to be this way." "This is the fucking life that you're carving Dom. For EVERY moment of your life - if you're not pushing, you're falling. Welcome to Hell." "You are loved too Dom. Hopefully one day you'll see yourself in the same, awesome, and beautiful way as we (the ones that love you) see you." "It's kinda hilariously annoying how likeable you are. SO even though you may not like yourself at times - plenty of people love and adore you, and I hope you never forget that." "I'm proud of you for striving, out there on the fringes in search of a new way of seeing. I hope you find even a kernel of trust - if not, it isn't time wasted because there are many moments where nothing happens, but then they compound just a step outside your periphery and suddenly before you can even suck in a breath, there are moments where everything happens." ________________________________ I know that I'm not the same person anymore, but there's a saying that never escaped me - Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I no longer wish to think, drink, and sink.

The 7 Universes - Funeral Shots:

October 12, 2020 - May 12, 2023 1. Black Fox Era 2. Joker 3. White Wolf Era 4. Infinite 5. Void 6. Blank Period 7. Final Shot

Each of us are a different experience for different people. Unlikeable by some. Magnificent to others. Loved by a few. Forgotten by many. I often ask myself - what version of Dominic still exists, after 31 months of killing and rebuilding myself? Which persona have you come to know?

& Alternate Art

Some days are for wandering, some are for falling in love, and some are to be taken in solitude.

#feel free to use any of these when my time comes #edited forward

Today is the anniversary of an opportune event. For a long, trackless time, I had no desire for a future passed 27, but here we are at 29. On many occasions, I’m convinced that I don’t want anything anymore - I’ve lost track of all the silent screams I’ve howled in my moments of transient sorrow. And yet - more often than not, it feels different now. It was nice to be alone all the time, but more and more folks have lovingly barged their way into my life. At this time, everything’s really confusing and I'm not quite sure of what drives me anymore. Holding onto this unspoken grief isn’t worth the perpetual troubles that drown my thoughts with an ocean of esoteric sadness. Most, if not all of us, are a different experience for different people. Shunned by some - magnificent to others. Loved by a few - forgotten by many. If I've ever spoken to you in metaphors and analogies, take it as my way of saying that I hold some level of fondness for you. By being the one who chooses - not the one waiting to be chosen - I’d like to thank everyone who's consistently stuck by me, since the beginning of my venture away from madness. Who am I talking to, anyway? “I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.” - Anais Nin Disclaimer: Hand tattoo is a temp applied for the emblematic shot. As much as I'd love to get my hands and neck inked, my career choice options would be severely limited by my aesthetic preferences.

thinkdrinkandsink

To grieve deeply, is to have loved fully

Open your heart to the world as you have opened it to ____, and you will find every reason to keep living in it.

thinkdrinkandsink

3/23/23

It only took a decade, but the universe gave me something today that will forever be a part of me. Fate is beyond human comprehension. No matter how much I've wanted to disappear forever, I've a new reason to stay alive for this date today, to see your life through.

#kappa #peanut #psychopass #kogami shinya #shinkane #psycho pass

In The Night - The Weeknd

This song epitomizes my complex relationship with strippers

#The Weeknd #xo #in the night #psycho pass #Tokyo ghoul

Redemption

Bumped into a former girlfriend two months ago at a Korean gastropub, and - It started off with a literal, "Dominic?", while I was on the phone and waiting in line to use the bathroom. I looked up, and there she was. It took a moment for me to recognize her - my face lit up when our eyes interlinked. We seldom texted, and I hadn't seen her in years. Interestingly, the way that we encountered each other, played out near identical to a previous story that I had conjured up in 2019. They're still in my archives, for those curious and determined enough to find them. It really seems like I foresaw all the events that were going to unfold for myself in the coming years, but I digress. We dated briefly over a decade ago, being just kids at the time. She thrusted me into a world of darkness mingled with her own, leaving me with issues and a lingering pain that I never truly addressed until several years later. And yet - meeting her again was something that I never knew I needed, until it happened. It's wondrous how the villain of my adolescent chapter, ended up becoming the one-shot hero to my early adulthood's downfall. I got to thank her personally, for being the person to encourage me to see therapy when I was on the verge of killing myself. We'll probably never see or talk to each other again, but our encounter more than makes up for that. As drunk as I was at the time, I still remember seeing how thrilled she was with her current significant other. I got what I wanted, when she told me that she was in a much happier place. We both don't actively bathe in darkness anymore. In some respects, it felt as though we were redeemed in the other's eyes. Thank you, Cat.

Target on my back

For a few years, I've mulled over the root cause behind my perpetual suffering. In some respects, I think I asked for it. Interestingly, I only confirmed this today in school, through word of mouth from a classmate. She overheard that my overtly intimidating professor has deliberately challenged me more than the others in our Physical Therapy program, for a reason that was never explicitly mentioned to me - he knows that I'm far ahead of the others, despite my attempts to stay under the radar this past year. I've been warned by former students in this program to not shine too much, lest I'd be putting a target on my back. He's notorious for pushing students far beyond their limits, to great lengths. In some ways, I wanted to lay low and breeze through this 2 year program - I wanted to get the fuck out of school promptly, and ultimately get my life restarted for the second and final time. I don't much like drawing attention to myself anymore. And yet - Attention, suffering, and notoriety constantly find their way to enveloping themselves around me, the more I try to nudge them away. I suppose that in the metaphorical sense, I provoked the universe in my attempts to fight causality. The proof? There was an actual response through all the challenges I've faced these past years. I unwittingly asked for this, by being myself. I had almost forgotten that catastrophic changes never happen in the face of comfort. So - To the universe I'm stronger now because I died once and crawled my way back up. Whatever comes, and from whatever source, I'll kill it. Because I have to.

#three more months

To grieve deeply, is to have loved fully

Open your heart to the world as you have opened it to ____, and you will find every reason to keep living in it.

#psychopass #kogami shinya #psycho pass #shinkane

Angel - Somebody to love

The date is 10/1/2022, and it is currently 12:25 AM.

I'm extremely intoxicated at this time, so I may or may not delete this later if I remember to come back on here and decide to get rid of this truth. I've been wondering for a while now why sad songs like, Angel, by The Weeknd, don't resonate with me as intensely anymore. I discovered this reason, after finally being set free from the shackles of my clinical rotation. The song came up on the radio five minutes ago, and it reminded me that I don't have to be an apathetic machine anymore. It's because of you. I discovered a few months back that you finally found somebody to love, and I recall having cried deeply like I never had before, in the entirety of my life cycle. I cried a river because I know that I don't have to worry about you anymore. You found happiness, and that's sincerely all that I ever wanted. The Weeknd profusely expressed a desire for his former lover to find somebody to love, whilst numbing himself to the pain from their separation. He knew that he could never give her what he wanted, with the lifestyle that he shrouded himself in. Just like myself, he's addicted to the pain and obscure shadows that prevented him from seeing daylight. There was never a simple solution to resolving this. I know that I am not the one for you - and you, me. At the very least, I hope you understood that I loved you enough to want you to find happiness in whatever way that encapsulates you. It's why I ultimately walked away, after my final attempt to fix things. I've already let you go, so this is my way of letting you know this:

Angel, I'm glad you found somebody to love.

#stardust

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