The evolution of Shyanne

I have no idea whats this life thing is about but I cant wait to find out.

[thinkinginsideout]

Not being able to write and other problems

Frustration is what I feel, not being able to write anything. I haven’t written anything in 2017. If I can’t creatively express myself, the anger will build up and I don’t want to blow up on people. Yesterday, I just realized my mom friend stopped letting me babysit her daughter because I was bisexual. Meaning after I came out, she gave all the babysitting jobs to my brother (The worst babysitter). I forgive her just like I forgive the rest of humanity for eating animals. I really want to start a youtube channel but it’s almost like who would watch. I filled out this application to volunteer and of course, my mother disapproves( of the volunteering). Right now, I tried just about everything to get myself to write. The thing is if I schedule the time to write, I will feel guilty for not studying. maybe I should make a youtube channel but like for my video diary type thing. I literally can’t think of anything else but my chilled oats.

[slightmood]

me: *sees a spider on the wall while i’m showering*

me: hey miss spider…..can I have a body rate :) 

spider:

[thinkinginsideout]

Today I noticed....5/26//17

Today I noticed that I have crippling anxiety that is not going away and is affecting my life. I can’t read a book because I have anxiety that I would finish it in time, I can’t write because I worry it will never get finished. I know I should not let anxiety rule my life but how? let people tell me to breathe. Tried that, works maybe 15% of the time. I really don’t want to get fired from my current job because If I get fired Im not getting another job. Before I applied and got this job, I can’t even tell you how many applications I put in. I started filling out applications when I was 16, I am now 19. It did take that long, and the reason it took that long is because the interview problem. I’m bad at interviews, I get too nervous and overthink it. Today I noticed getting any type of help is going to be complicated and expensive.

[thinkinginsideout]

[thinkinginsideout]

No summer goals

There is no set goals for summer which is why, I don’t like it maybe because we go on no adventures. I cant wait to start a you tube channel soon

[purplebuddhaproject]

https://www.instagram.com/pbuddhaproject/

[thinkinginsideout]

Me or nah.

[thinkinginsideout]

"Keep moving forward" -The Robinsons

[thinkinginsideout]

Had to save this one.

[thinkinginsideout]

Emotions

PMS is a bitch but as side from that. I was just getting emotional because I was getting emotional about my mom not taking that fact that I need therapy seriously even through she been seeing a therapist for four months now. I’m also afraid of having another identity crisis and being upset with white fragility (white people sensitivity in regards to race). I was getting angry at white people because they don’t have to wake up and be discriminated against on a daily basis. I don’t think I’ll be as upset if people didn’t have this issue of ‘’If I don’t talk about race, it will go away”, in actuality the opposite is true. We need to talk about race and address that everybody looks different and love each other for that difference and that when I believe white privilege will no longer exist. A word on white privilege, I never understood it. Of course, being an afro-american teen,l it wasn’t meant for me to ever understand it. I will be talking about all this race and my Philosophy of Race class in a condensed video soon.

[thinkinginsideout]

Therapy and Race and Everything inbewteen

I have been ok. Everybody had there better days but I feel like i've been saying that forever.I am not depressed. I do suffer from moments of deep sadness that it is hard to come out of but like I said I've seen depression and this isn't it. Currently this semester, I take Philsophy of Race. I keep thinking about my race. "This American society will not let you forgot that ypu are black", they say. True. We talk about White fagility and how whites don't race themselves because they don't have too since historically they are the ones who created races for other people. How do I be black and not let black be me. I don't want to be burdened by my the color of me skin but I'm starting to feel like I don't have a choice. Whites want black to forget racism but throw it at our face at every chance that got including teaching a class about how I should perceive my own race in this country. I honestly didn't think I had that much thought on the topic but I do. Therapy? Why does my mom think its a joke? I need help if I'm going to be a somewhat successful college student. I could ignore all my problems and drop out. My laptop is not connecting to the internet and spent an hour this morning in ITS trying to fix it and its still not connecting.

[thinkinginsideout]

Prayer to God #4

Thank you for everything. My agnes scott college experience, for the trip, for everything in my life. I pray that you take this anger from me and I start to fully enjoy life more. I pray for guidance for staying at Agnes or going and how to even bring that up to my mom. I just thank you for this joy I feel, I pray I get to feel more of it.

[thinkinginsideout]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWJ94trExXQ)

[thinkinginsideout]

Prayer to God #3

Fix me and let love pour out of me. I know my brother is hostile toward me because it is me that is emitting negative vibes and then hes yelling makes me yell and thus continues the negavitity. Thanks for the joy even if it is chemically produced through medicine 

[thinkinginsideout]

What do I believe

Good question? I believe God is more than just what you think she is or IT is. God is the universe. So when I talk to God, I am talking to the great universe. I don’t believe that God created the universe. The universe manifest itself which in itself makes it God. I believe in Jesus as man who was compassionate and the ultimate ideal of how you should Love. I believe that Jesus died for humanity because he believed he had to. Will Jesus come back, we will see when he gets here.

[thinkinginsideout]

Prayer to God #2

I want to thank you God for the dinner buddies. I want you to bless and protect my future friends that I will meet at Agnes whether they are here or not accepted yet. I want you to bless my friends I already have. I pray for my mother that she gets to go on her trip. I pray for my father that he gets much needed rest also. I thank you, Lord for my brother’s job. Thank you for the progress I made with my anxiety, I thank you for this opportunity. 

Amen

[thinkinginsideout]

Prayer to God #1

Hey God,

First, Can you help me believe in you. I want to thank you for life and the people in it. I want to thank you for all the experiences and all the emotions because that what makes us perfect. Give me mother a break Lord, she needs one. I pray for my roommate, may she find peace. May I stop crying and need help controlling some of my emotions. I need help with my communication with my friends, God. Bless their patience and kindness. Thank you for the love shown by people in my life. May I find a friend or an companion where I’m at.

Amen