Growing Older

I usually tell you what I'm thinking now, but when that's not enough... I tell the paper.

[thinkingwithapen]

It’s not that you did anything wrong

You just didn’t really do anything right

I have enough people in my life who are content with taking my love

and never giving any back

Thank you for the yesterdays. 

[thinkingwithapen]

Love is More than Words

When I found the man I was meant to be with The one who held me, cracks and jagged edges and all The one who saw my flaws When I found the man who loved me. And whom I loved... I stopped writing. I didn't get why I stopped writing at first Because I have never been so happy But I think I've finally realized That love is not a poem Love is not the words that fill you with tingles for a moment But the fact that you have halitosis in the morning and I will still kiss you. It's not about eloquence But about the way you shake the bed every time you move and even as much as I want to hate you for it (because you know I hate getting woken up) I can't. I don't put my love into words for you anymore Because I'm living it everyday We are laughing and crying and failing and thriving And you might ask.... Well why are you writing now? Well, I read a love poem today and I just wanted to let you know that You deserve a bigger love.

[thinkingwithapen]

Why I Chose Him #1

In a pink bathroom, someone hung a plaque with the words “Choose your love, love your choice” painted on it. Today, I chose my love forever.

And this is reason #1

It was a Tuesday devotional when I met him in the hallway. I had dressed up and even though it was freezing outside, I was warm from all the butterflies doing aerobics in my stomach.

We sat down in the oversized chapel and as we waited for the session to begin, we made jokes.

The kind of jokes you don’t let your mother hear.

The kind of jokes a lady shouldn’t utter.

The kind of jokes a gentleman doesn’t make in mixed company.

But we were mixed and we were shaken and we laughed together and dared God to strike us down.

But he didn’t.

And I just knew in that moment that if I chose him, I would laugh with him forever. We would be foul and crass and all our friends would roll their eyes. And in a world where I felt I had to be perfect, he was the little bit of “wrong” thay made everything right.

I chose my love, because with him I have never had to pretend.

[thinkingwithapen]

I am done with religion in the sense that

i am done pretending that I hate the way your fingers feel against my skin

when really the only prayers I'm saying at night

come from kneeling before you

and knowing you in ways that they say I shouldn't

I must be damned

but it feels so good to be fucked. 

[thinkingwithapen]

I wanted to be your partner in crime

but I ended up driving the getaway car.

[thinkingwithapen]

The [first] One.

She is the girl you call home about. “Mom, the way she laughs makes me feel like if I could only do one thing in this world, it would be to make her happy.” You never knew how your parents stayed so content together for thirty four years but when you look at her all you see is that wedding ring you want to put on her finger and Dear God if you could wake up to her every morning that would be enough.

She is the girl your friends want you to hold on to. “Dude, I’ve never seen you like this.” You never understood how when your friends found a girl they seemed to vanish from your life but all of a sudden basketball just does not sound as good as watching her favorite chick flicks and hearing her breathe into your neck when it’s gotten too late.

She is the girl you dreamed of. You always thought you wanted perfection - tan skin, big boobs, and a butt to rival J-Lo. But when you trail your fingers down her skin and you feel the scar that she got when she was riding her bike and the creases in her forehead from always furrowing her brow, you wonder why photoshop even exists because nothing could make her more beautiful and you’d kill the man who called her flawed.

She is the girl you fall in love with.

But she’s not the girl who falls in love with you.

[thinkingwithapen]

I am just tired. I am tired of today and I am tired of yesterday. I am tired of thinking and I am tired of feeling. I am tired of waking and I am tired of sleeping. I am so, so tired. I get that you love me. I hear you say it. But I also see the look in your eye when I do something you do not like I hear the tone in your voice when you are just too tired But I am tired too.

[thinkingwithapen]

You said you hadn't loved in awhile and I said that I had. And I wonder if you're wondering the same thing that I am.  Am I going to fall in love with you?

[thinkingwithapen]

Like animals, you pull me closer into you and all my body wants is to be one. I want to be part of you, I want to feel you closer than I've ever felt anyone. And you trail kisses down my neck that make me moan and sigh, wondering why I waited so long for something so wonderful. Wondering why I'm still waiting. But then I hear it. And we laugh. We laugh when we kiss. And for some reason, it keeps you coming back. For some reason, when I giggle into your shoulder blade, you laugh right back into my neck and we create a new sort of harmony. We laugh when we kiss and I don't think I want to stop.

[thinkingwithapen]

I'm worried that I will regret all of this. I'm worried that I chose wrong. And are those three days of complete, sheer happiness worth the near inevitable pain of soon moving on? Don't forget that we promised we would be friends...

[thinkingwithapen]

[Come back] Home.

I thought I would find myself in the summer blue skies (it's December)

I thought that while I walked the warm sandy beaches, I would finally relish in the knowledge

"I am home,"

but I am "home"

and where are you? You are a million miles away, bundled under blankets. The sky we look at might be the same, but mine is blue and yours is gray. When you walk outside, while I wear shorts, a scarf is wrapped tightly around your neck. I can see you wherever I go and I can trace the memories over and over again in my mind. I can remember every word you said. But I am home, and where are you?

Or rather...

You are home, and where am I?

[thinkingwithapen]

Difficult

The name slipped out of her mouth and caught my breath in its syllables I had thought I was the only one wearing rose colored shades But maybe we all see clearly And maybe reality does not mean bitter And maybe difficult is not impossible And maybe Everything (and by everything I mean you) is worth it.

[thinkingwithapen]

I wish I knew who you were.

I wish I could tell you I love you

and let the words course through you

the way they flow through me.

I wish we could find our solitude

in the quiet breaths of our dreams

I wish we could find our freedom

in the chain links of our arms.

I wish I knew you

And I wish you knew me too.

[thinkingwithapen]

Dearest,

Are you my dearest anymore? Sometimes I think you are. Sometimes I think I can feel you here. And sometimes I think the sky is black and I wonder if it can understand me the way you once did.

There is a pain in unbelief which is hardly spoken. There is a pain in my heart which others are tired of hearing. There is a breaking in my bones and a tearing in my heart and sometimes I wish that my nightmares had become reality ages ago.

Darling, when did you lose yourself?

Darling, where do I go?

Love. ALWAYS,

Darlene

[thinkingwithapen]

INTJ is what they call it what it translates to is

broken;

"feel the pain

feel the hurt

let it consume you."

but your brain is on defense

and you swallow that bite whole

and forget that you have ever

felt at all. 

[thinkingwithapen]

On a High School Crush and Visiting Home

I think I needed the closure of knowing that I had made the right decision.

Somewhere between Florida and California, my best friend emptied out.

I can see crushed remnants of your soul when I look into your eyes

but I can't say it beings me the pain I thought it would.

So I traded in your sandy blonde for a dark and twisted love

You told me it was damaging and I told you it was air.

Now when I look at you, you're suffocating and my lungs are still so full.

And if all it took was twenty dollars worth of sushi to realize it,

Well that was the best bet I've ever lost.

[thinkingwithapen]

I left my home

and then I left the place where I lived

and I just wish I could find a place

that fits like your arms.