Spiralling
Why?
For 5 fucking years this has been my main question.
Why?
Why carry on? Why continue?
And I don’t have a fucking answer.
“Oh it’s not that bad.”
How fucking bad should it be??
Why?
Why carry on and face the constant disappointment when we reach the goals we set ourselves?
Why strive for anything, when the relationship we finally felt safe in crumbles overnight and destroys our ability to believe in romantic love, loyalty, honesty, human decency or our control over animatic instincts?
Why learn skills, when the world changes in a blinding speed - CGI, animation, acting, writing, composing, filmmaking, singing. Programming… finely honed skills got partly it entirely replaceable in the course of months when LLMs reached “production stage”?
And this won’t get better.
Why fight yourself, when the animal never dies - it merely closes its eyes, and you never know when it just feigns sleepiness - and when it will attach you from behind? Why, why, why?
Why fight yourself when you always stay the same hedonistic, procrastinating, egoistic, primal semi-animal a that needs to be kept at bay till the end of your days?
Why bust your ass at work when you almost never had a day that just felt “right”. When it violates your self-determination the moment your alarm rings till the moment you lay to rest - not because you are tired, but because you need to be able to face the horrors of tomorrow?
Why build bridges, rocket ships, cars or microchips, when you will always hear he a cog in the production process, and it will always be more straining, expensive and slower than you feel is worth it?
Why? Why fight, when you will never be able to rationally enjoy your achievements, because you know exactly it’s partly built upon the blood and exploitation of generations of humans in even less fortunate places?
Why build, when the best we can do is lessen suffering - not reach some state of ethereal euphoria…
You can’t just forever keep on fighting AGAINST something - yet that’s exactly what a moral life requires…?
Why?
Why?
WHY????
Why??
I never asked for this.
It’s a curse disguised as a gift that I never wanted and I can’t give back.
Why should I keep on carrying its burden?
why…