It's been almost a month since my supposed attempt on my life. I decided it wasn't an attempt.. i told everyone it wasn't an attempt to put their mind at ease, even myself.
But there's still a sliver inside of me that whispers "you did want to die...you just got scared and regretted it"
Ever since that night I've been scared to use knives, cross the road, even cook. I'm afraid I might lose it again and do something to hurt myself.
I have been wanting to die for so long that I eventually built a manifesto around it. One of my rules is that my grandma gets to go first. She's like a second mother to me, she doesn't deserve to experience my loss. The first thing I did after returning home from the hospital was hug her so tight.. I felt like she was going to break in my arms. I was so scared...
I remember the hospital lights above my head.. I remember fighting to stay awake... I remember thinking "no way, no, I'm not dying here, this is not how it's supposed to be, I hate hospitals, please save me"
I was barely conscious, 140+ BPM and I managed to help the doctors with my personal info. I had to fight it, I had to stay alive...
Today, and lately, I'm tired.. life is exhausting... I'm keeping myself busy but that's all..and that's not enough to want to be alive.
"-But there's a tree, of many one
A single field which I have looked upon,
Both of them speak of something that is gone;
The pansy at my feet doth the same tale repeat:
Whither is fled the visionary gleam?
Where is it now, the glory and the freshness of the dream?"
There are some rays on sunlight in my life. Dim though they are... One is art.. the other is my beloved people..the last is being in love...
I'm in love, and he makes my days bearable... But I wonder, would that be the case if he wasn't here... Would I still be scared to hold knives... Cross streets... Or cook...
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
yousharknotpass
titsay
tankhall
pixelskylines
dailybridgerton
