So this is where it all ends.
I know that I express myself best through writing but it seems like I just couldn't find the words for what I am feeling now. I feel really exhausted, coupled with a few moments of getting torn up from the inside. Shitty and depressed are mere understatements.
The worst part is, I know that I have to go through all this alone. I have friends, yes, but I don’t want to bore them anymore with my drama and weaknesses. I've always told them about how wonderful a guy P is and how amazing he makes me feel—let’s just leave it like that. He is after all, a great guy, with or without me.
I think this is where the problem comes in: I can’t get mad and hate P. I just can’t. It’s like I care about him beyond all rationality, wanting him to have everything he wants no matter how much it destroys me. I love him. And when you really love someone, you don’t stop. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy and stupid. You don’t give up. I never really wanted to, but he already asked me to.And that crushed me-- but I still love him with all the million little pieces left.
Despite all the hurt I am going through right now, I still want to thank you, P. I really do.
Thank you for teaching me many things even without knowing you did. I do not regret anything and I don’t hate you. I was happy meeting you and spending all those times with you. Thank you for reminding me to just always be happy. For smiling and staying positive no matter how shitty things can be. Thank you for letting me feel how it is to be young again. Many times, my responsibilities to my family and at work have made me grow up too fast. To some extent, I felt like I longed for fun and relaxation. The feeling of just bumming around, talking, sharing interests—thank you for giving me back that.
Thank you for letting me realize that I am capable of loving. And trust me, I surprised even myself. I do not usually do the things that I did for you, but I did them and very happily at that. I wanted to make you happy that my happiness too just seemed to instantly follow. Just like what Ben said to Jennifer, “I want you to be happy for me to even get a shot at being happy”. I never thought I could be so selfless the way I had been with you.
Thank you for teaching me that love is not all marshmallows, sunshine, and rainbows. It has been tough even when we were just starting, at least when I was. There were so many unanswered questions, so many excuses, so much pain, so much heartache but I chose to stay. I chose you even if that wasn't the easy way. I chose you because I loved you. No marshmallows, sunshine, and rainbows, but I was happy. And I think that’s what matters more.
Until yesterday, on Valentine’s day, you decided that this is already the end of the line. You already want me out of your life. And despite how shitty you know this will make me feel, you still went on deciding for the both of us.
I am still hurt and tears still fall as I write this but I will be okay. Eventually. It’s so hard right now but I am sure that it won’t be like this all the time. I know that soon, this will just be another story that I will look back to.
P.S. To the person who is meant for me, just in case you really do exist, whether you turn out to be P or not, please don’t come to me now yet. I am not yet ready and I might just end up hurting you. I want to meet you when I am back on my feet, loving myself again so I could love you better.
