You can't keep a girl shoved in a closet

I post here so that I can stop texting my friends with my random thoughts. he/him. too old to be starting a tumblr.

[thisisabearwriting]

A brain injured 12 yr old, an adhd 10 yr old, a cerebral 8 yo a 6yo made of cat-rainbows and unicorn-butter, and a 3yo whose real name we forgot so instead call Bear.

[thisisabearwriting]

Scientists start a study to follow males from birth to determine what makes a tits man vs an ass man. "What mother js going to sign her newborn up for a study that will track everything about his life forever, just to figure out if they can predict him liking tits or ass?" Ah but this is dystopia fiction, my friend.

[thisisabearwriting]

Desperately wanting people's attention, but when I get it? Frozen.

So I make things to show them. And I think things to know them.

But nothing ever seems like *the thing*.

[thisisabearwriting]

Atheist holiday card"

"God is dead. Everything is permitted." - Neitzsche

A group of goblins wearing Santa hats burning an upside down Christmas tree.

[thisisabearwriting]

These are just my memories. Some of them could be wrong. Most of them could be wrong. Maybe even *all* of them. I mean, there's a non-zero chance that all of my memories are implanted in me because I am just a simulation of consciousness, of life, created by some other life-form. A modern twist on brains-in-a-jar, if you will. But none of that matters right now...because I think there are only so many times I can save the same person's life before I go insane.

"Do you want to live?!"

No response.

"Cough if you want to live. Cough!"

His airway had become blocked by so much liquid that his oxygen saturation was 79. The sensor attached to his thumb connected back to a machine that did nothing to help but incessantly beep. His face was red and purple. His eyes were flaccid. If he wanted to live, I couldn't see it.

[thisisabearwriting]

Have you ever seen Lost? You know the guy in the bunker who has to push yhe red button every so many hours or else he thinks the world will end? But then it turns out it's all a lie someone told him and the world doesn't end?

W3ll taking care of Calvin is like that except the red button is him coughing and it happens at literally any moment, even while sleeping, and if you ignore it you've seen him start gagging on his own secretions which then turns into vomiting and then choking on that vomit, and you can't suction faster than he's puking because the tip of the vacuum is p3ncil thin and fuck that's a lot of vomit coming up from this tiny child and his eyes are watering and he's so fucking scared and you're so fucking scared too because he's choking oh fuck he's choking and not getting in breaths and if he-

FUCK you turn him over and the vomit pours out onto the floor or his bed or a blanket or all of the above and god I think he's breathing now so you can't do anything other than roll him back off his side and start wiping the puke off his face that's full of little orange carrots and is the color of sand-dyed spinach.

[thisisabearwriting]

Theology/philosophy and particularly American Midwestern Christianity is basically my version of trains. I can talk about Christianity forever. I can do it all while explicitly not proselytizing (though sowing seeds of doubt is something I love to do in any subject of conversation). I actually would be proud to induce an existential dilemma in another person. But if you get angry with me I'm done.

I don't think the pastor I used to talk to knew that Christianity was my trains. And that I could absorb so much christianese, chew it up, and spit it out, just for fun. It was the only game in town. Before i was debating esoteric bullshit-make -believe at that mega church job, I was doing it about star wars in high school (which was also a religious institution I might add). Creating incredibly complex worldviews based on suspect evidence is the American way of life. It's what we do here in the Midwest.

[thisisabearwriting]

As a continuation of Dead internet Theory, we should see bots irl.

Suicide code

Philosophical positions that if held as true by an ai would trigger malicious intent and, therefore, should create a self destruction

[creekfiend]

even if your nervous system is shot to hell and you're a reactive dog on a chain all the time you can spend several years retraining your nervous system (with the help of friends to practice Disagreeing With) and one day you can reach a point where getting Disagreed With doesn't cause your whole entire bodybrain situation to implode messily. it's super great. I recommend it

[spirit-of-science]

Like with real dog training, rewards >>>> punishments, and you learn best when you are well cared for

[creekfiend]

this is why I think it is so crucial to be able to Practice Disagreeing about relatively trivial subjects with safe and trusted friends and loved ones where you both know that's what you're doing and you are both actively and continually affirming that you love each other the whole time it's like training wheels. I truly cannot recommend finding friends to Practice Disagreeing with enough.

[thisisabearwriting]

There's always *someone* *somewhere* making a *list*

You don't want to be making it

You definitely don't want to be *on* it

And everyone just wants to be through it.

So if you are an innocent bystander, stay safe. You've been warned. You know to be watchful.

W3 haven't lived through his list yet.

[thisisabearwriting]

[thisisabearwriting]

Having someone analyze your story is like having them watch you poop.

[thisisabearwriting]

[thisisabearwriting]

I want to be struck by lightning and live.

Starting a group.

[thisisabearwriting]

What if the sole purpose of movies was to make you vomit. No laughing, crying. Just puking. Imagine a society in which people go to the movies just to vomit. They sit in theaters like ours but puke into popcorn sized tubs. Everyone does it. That's what the movies are for: vomit.

Then imagine a person from this society comes to ours. And they go to one of our movies. And they're like "wtf. This isn't making me vomit. This movie is fucking terrible." They leave reviews of the movie "didn't puke once. Wasn't even any shots of dog shit. I don't get how they call this a movie".

[thisisabearwriting]

I have to care for Calvin's lungs because a firefighter saved my life . Once one saves a life it has to be paid forward. The universe melds itself around me to make a life for me where I have to save a life to pay penance.

[comvi]

[thisisabearwriting]

Costco chicken